i'm tired of this veil that has been hanging on me for the past few months. it's heavy. it skews my vision. it slows me down in every way. it's physical and emotional and mental and i feel like it's draining me of every last ounce of anything i have.
it started out mentally, just not wanting to be at work because i work for assholes in a soul-sucking profession. and it's not like i even make a lot of money. who would WANT to go to work?
and now it's getting physical and emotional all at the same time... i haven't been able to make my body do anything outside of it's normal routine for about a month and a half now. and i'm getting really freaking tired of it. i'm so tired of being tired. i finally kicked my own ass this afternoon and made myself do an hour of yoga and it was all i could do to stay awake. i've been eating minorly badly for a while now and i can't get myself out of it. because hot chocolate from a pouch just sounds so much better than anything else right now. i haven't been able to get warm. i'm in three layers of clothes and i have the heater on all the time. and i'm still cold. i've been fading in and out of mental consciousness and it makes me physically dizzy. here's some TMI: i drink more than a gallon of water a day and, at the end of the day, my pee is still pretty yellow. after a gallon of water, there shouldn't be a lick of canary in there.
i have an appointment for a physical and a full lab workup this week, but i'm pretty sure they're going to tell me that i'm healthy as an ox and want to put me on anti-depressants. those will just make me a raging asshole. i'd much rather be eeyore than angry, ragy tigger.
and then there's the emotional stuff. i know i do this to myself: physically distancing myself from all the people that i love so that i don't have an outlet. i want so bad to have actual arms here that i can wrap myself in and just relax for a little bit because i know that there's someone there to share it, even if it is just for five minutes, ten minutes, an hour. i'm so tired of being the one that has to see or find my light. i want so badly right now to see it reflected back at me from someone else. physically. i know it's there, it's just this shroud dims it so much and i'm looking so hard for it sometimes that it makes me have terrible vision, trying to see it through everything else. that makes my eyes tired.
and i don't want to be that asshole that keeps complaining about the weather. i refuse to believe that the weather is the sole cause of my feeling this way.
so, i'm not even lilli von schtupp tired, i'm just fuckin' done. dammit.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
in the philosophy class
there is a young buck.
he encompasses everything a young buck could be descriptive of: strapping, dark, young, trying to figure out who he wants to be when he grows up and all full of that "fake it 'til you make it" that comes with being a young dude. example: he's from toronto, but describes himself as european. what? he wants to be a crooked accountant. he has a lot of growing up to do.
he's french-canadian. and charming. with crooked teeth. but i'm really turned off by his youngness.
and he's... intrigued by? enamored with? fascinated by? me, which confounds me to no end. he won't let me listen to the class most of the time, as he keeps trying to get my attention. and then he asks questions that i don't really want to answer, so i give some vague answer that is true, in the meta sense, and now he has to "figure me out." i don't mean for that to happen. is that what flirting is?
my bets are on that he's going to try and find a way to ask me to "hang out" before the class is over. i've done young before. i don't like it because they need guidance and don't want to teach or guide in that way, i want to be taught. and they're totally lazy in the sack which should really be the only thing they're good for.
i have a scarce few weeks to figure out how to say no to him gently.
maybe my movie recommendation will freak him out. here's hoping.
he encompasses everything a young buck could be descriptive of: strapping, dark, young, trying to figure out who he wants to be when he grows up and all full of that "fake it 'til you make it" that comes with being a young dude. example: he's from toronto, but describes himself as european. what? he wants to be a crooked accountant. he has a lot of growing up to do.
he's french-canadian. and charming. with crooked teeth. but i'm really turned off by his youngness.
and he's... intrigued by? enamored with? fascinated by? me, which confounds me to no end. he won't let me listen to the class most of the time, as he keeps trying to get my attention. and then he asks questions that i don't really want to answer, so i give some vague answer that is true, in the meta sense, and now he has to "figure me out." i don't mean for that to happen. is that what flirting is?
my bets are on that he's going to try and find a way to ask me to "hang out" before the class is over. i've done young before. i don't like it because they need guidance and don't want to teach or guide in that way, i want to be taught. and they're totally lazy in the sack which should really be the only thing they're good for.
i have a scarce few weeks to figure out how to say no to him gently.
maybe my movie recommendation will freak him out. here's hoping.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
dear adam cohen:
being the SXSW enthusiast that i am, and being that i couldn't attend this year's festival, a co-worker of mine let me know about this interview you gave to npr just after the festival. i listened. and then i wanted to viscously box your ears like a victorian-era governess.
you moan about how "there's nothing. there's no more gold bullion. there's no more — unless you're lady gaga — you're trying to make a fast buck in the slow lane." no shit sherlock! have you not been paying attention? what's left of the "music industry" isn't giving out contracts - "gold bullion" - anymore unless you've already done all the hard work yourself. do you think stefani germanotta walked into interscope and said, "hey, i have this crazy idea that others have done before - ya know, like kiss meets madonna - wanna gimme a contract?" and they did it? i think not.
you, with the three major labels you've been on - the three major labels you've released material for - are complaining about what ISN'T at sxsw anymore? whether you took advantage of it or not, you had/have so many more opportunities for success than a vast majority of artists out there. with your father being who he is (leonard cohen), you not only get a top quality education in lyricism that NO ONE ELSE on this planet has access to, but you also have access to the people who's sole job it is to "make" a congenial, yet cool, outside image: presumably a team of professional marketers, promoters, agents, etc. to whom you (i assume) could go to and ask for advice on how to best promote this, or how to make that more palatable to a large audience instead of having to flounder like everyone else does.
what exactly were you expecting to find at sxsw that you don't have or haven't already had? little leprechauns wearing cowboy hats and carrying pots of gold and fans, handing them out willy-nilly? unicorns that poo elves who will give you money and make you feel good about "just being you"?
let's say you were expecting to get a contract with a label at sxsw. what exactly does that mean anymore? labels don't want to give you money for promotion, so, while you may have an advance with which to make a record, who's going to promote it for you? who's going to print posters and man your facebook page and send out newsletters and keep you interactive and relevant with your fans on a daily basis? not your label. YOU.
in exchange only for the money to make your album, you get to deal with a label, a conglomerate of people and boards, who are going to tell you that 4 of your 13 songs aren't acceptable and track 5 is ok, but it needs a little more zip and can't you get me one really obvious song that we can MAYBE get the radios to play so it looks like we're trying to promote you? is that the kind of artistic freedom you were looking for at sxsw?
you know adam, there are a lot of technologies and "movements" out there these days where you can live comfortably (not a favorite word of mine) and still do what you love through the kindness and generosity of fans. sites like kickstarter.com can help you raise the money on your own to fund your record, promotion and maybe even a tour.
for example: matt the electrician, an austin-based artist that i've become friends with over the years, just recently used this platform with screaming success. he initially set up the drive for 30 days with a goal of $8,000, only enough to get the bones of his record off the ground. after a small amount of promotion and THREE days, he had the $8,000. after the 30 day drive period, he had more than $25,000 donated by friends, family and fans to get his record made and do whatever he needed to do to get it promoted. and he gets all this without the strings and demands that traditional labels would put on him.
interesting, no? i guess this is what happens when you work hard and put a little pride in yourself and what you've decided to do for a living instead of leaving it up to others who have only a tiny fraction of the vested interest that YOU have in, oh i don't know, your life - your success.
yes, $25,000 is no pot o' gold, but matt's no lady gaga either. you must have some inkling of how uncomfortable she is ALL THE TIME. those crazy shoes she wears? she wears them all the time. she's the equivalent of christian bale's twins and the chinese magician in "the prestige": she lives her illusion. if you want to give up your essence, your self, for total and complete public consumption as lady gaga has, then do it, and watch the money roll in. but, until then, realize there are sacrifices and hard work that come with creating and having fans and, therefore, creating and having success in the music industry.
so, adam cohen, i'm curious what kind of experience you were expecting, what experience would have made you happy with sxsw.
sincerely,
an avid music fan who hates whiners.
you moan about how "there's nothing. there's no more gold bullion. there's no more — unless you're lady gaga — you're trying to make a fast buck in the slow lane." no shit sherlock! have you not been paying attention? what's left of the "music industry" isn't giving out contracts - "gold bullion" - anymore unless you've already done all the hard work yourself. do you think stefani germanotta walked into interscope and said, "hey, i have this crazy idea that others have done before - ya know, like kiss meets madonna - wanna gimme a contract?" and they did it? i think not.
you, with the three major labels you've been on - the three major labels you've released material for - are complaining about what ISN'T at sxsw anymore? whether you took advantage of it or not, you had/have so many more opportunities for success than a vast majority of artists out there. with your father being who he is (leonard cohen), you not only get a top quality education in lyricism that NO ONE ELSE on this planet has access to, but you also have access to the people who's sole job it is to "make" a congenial, yet cool, outside image: presumably a team of professional marketers, promoters, agents, etc. to whom you (i assume) could go to and ask for advice on how to best promote this, or how to make that more palatable to a large audience instead of having to flounder like everyone else does.
what exactly were you expecting to find at sxsw that you don't have or haven't already had? little leprechauns wearing cowboy hats and carrying pots of gold and fans, handing them out willy-nilly? unicorns that poo elves who will give you money and make you feel good about "just being you"?
let's say you were expecting to get a contract with a label at sxsw. what exactly does that mean anymore? labels don't want to give you money for promotion, so, while you may have an advance with which to make a record, who's going to promote it for you? who's going to print posters and man your facebook page and send out newsletters and keep you interactive and relevant with your fans on a daily basis? not your label. YOU.
in exchange only for the money to make your album, you get to deal with a label, a conglomerate of people and boards, who are going to tell you that 4 of your 13 songs aren't acceptable and track 5 is ok, but it needs a little more zip and can't you get me one really obvious song that we can MAYBE get the radios to play so it looks like we're trying to promote you? is that the kind of artistic freedom you were looking for at sxsw?
you know adam, there are a lot of technologies and "movements" out there these days where you can live comfortably (not a favorite word of mine) and still do what you love through the kindness and generosity of fans. sites like kickstarter.com can help you raise the money on your own to fund your record, promotion and maybe even a tour.
for example: matt the electrician, an austin-based artist that i've become friends with over the years, just recently used this platform with screaming success. he initially set up the drive for 30 days with a goal of $8,000, only enough to get the bones of his record off the ground. after a small amount of promotion and THREE days, he had the $8,000. after the 30 day drive period, he had more than $25,000 donated by friends, family and fans to get his record made and do whatever he needed to do to get it promoted. and he gets all this without the strings and demands that traditional labels would put on him.
interesting, no? i guess this is what happens when you work hard and put a little pride in yourself and what you've decided to do for a living instead of leaving it up to others who have only a tiny fraction of the vested interest that YOU have in, oh i don't know, your life - your success.
yes, $25,000 is no pot o' gold, but matt's no lady gaga either. you must have some inkling of how uncomfortable she is ALL THE TIME. those crazy shoes she wears? she wears them all the time. she's the equivalent of christian bale's twins and the chinese magician in "the prestige": she lives her illusion. if you want to give up your essence, your self, for total and complete public consumption as lady gaga has, then do it, and watch the money roll in. but, until then, realize there are sacrifices and hard work that come with creating and having fans and, therefore, creating and having success in the music industry.
so, adam cohen, i'm curious what kind of experience you were expecting, what experience would have made you happy with sxsw.
sincerely,
an avid music fan who hates whiners.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
backyard
lying on our backs in the soft grass looking up at the stars. the night is warm and sultry, the grass cool and refreshing. the cicadas click and whirl and fill up the night. you take my hand and we just breathe.
"what are you thinking?"
what am i thinking? do you really want to know? because it's crowded in there.
squeezing my hand gently, "tell me."
ok... i'm thinking about how i can smell the warm scent of your skin and how it blends with the smell of the grass and the earth, making me feel safe and snug. how i want to curl up in that smell and live the rest of my life from it. how you make me feel safe without even realizing. i'm thinking of how it scares my heart that anyone, besides me, has the tiniest amount of power to make me feel safe. i'm thinking how it scares my brain more that my (perhaps unfounded) trust and confidence in you trumps my heart's fear of you making me feel safe, making me ok with and able to look objectively at that fear.
i'm thinking about how i would give you anything you ask of me. how i'd probably give it to you even if you didn't ask. how i want to give you only the best me, which is a me that doesn't exist yet, but will when i have a master's degree in my hand. i'm thinking about how you're going to ask for me before the best me is here. i'm thinking about how i'm going to explain to you that the me that i want to give to you isn't here yet in a way that you'll understand.
i'm thinking about that house on five acres with a guest house and outbuildings and a chicken coop and a wet weather creek and lots of trees and pretty slopes with tiny bluebonnets. i'm thinking about how it's just far away enough to be away, but close enough that it doesn't feel like a burden to go to town. i'm thinking about the hammock on the trees upwind from the chicken coop. about swinging lazily on it with you at dusk, watching the fireflies come out to light up the indigo sky. about having horses and dogs and any random animal that comes to live on the "farm". about growing our own vegetables and having lemon, almond, fig, apple and orange trees so we don't ever have to leave that blissful corner. about how avocado trees might not be worth the trouble. avocado smoothies, mmmmmm... ok, they might be worth the trouble.
i'm thinking about where my nest is. or where it will be. and where the sticks and straw are so i can see the materials i'm working with.
i'm thinking about how both feeling the world move underneath my back and feeling your blood pump through your hand makes me dizzy in the most delicious way.
"what are you thinking?"
what am i thinking? do you really want to know? because it's crowded in there.
squeezing my hand gently, "tell me."
ok... i'm thinking about how i can smell the warm scent of your skin and how it blends with the smell of the grass and the earth, making me feel safe and snug. how i want to curl up in that smell and live the rest of my life from it. how you make me feel safe without even realizing. i'm thinking of how it scares my heart that anyone, besides me, has the tiniest amount of power to make me feel safe. i'm thinking how it scares my brain more that my (perhaps unfounded) trust and confidence in you trumps my heart's fear of you making me feel safe, making me ok with and able to look objectively at that fear.
i'm thinking about how i would give you anything you ask of me. how i'd probably give it to you even if you didn't ask. how i want to give you only the best me, which is a me that doesn't exist yet, but will when i have a master's degree in my hand. i'm thinking about how you're going to ask for me before the best me is here. i'm thinking about how i'm going to explain to you that the me that i want to give to you isn't here yet in a way that you'll understand.
i'm thinking about that house on five acres with a guest house and outbuildings and a chicken coop and a wet weather creek and lots of trees and pretty slopes with tiny bluebonnets. i'm thinking about how it's just far away enough to be away, but close enough that it doesn't feel like a burden to go to town. i'm thinking about the hammock on the trees upwind from the chicken coop. about swinging lazily on it with you at dusk, watching the fireflies come out to light up the indigo sky. about having horses and dogs and any random animal that comes to live on the "farm". about growing our own vegetables and having lemon, almond, fig, apple and orange trees so we don't ever have to leave that blissful corner. about how avocado trees might not be worth the trouble. avocado smoothies, mmmmmm... ok, they might be worth the trouble.
i'm thinking about where my nest is. or where it will be. and where the sticks and straw are so i can see the materials i'm working with.
i'm thinking about how both feeling the world move underneath my back and feeling your blood pump through your hand makes me dizzy in the most delicious way.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
boo!
the mean queens go to the pool at night! BUMMER.
tonight was my first time back in the pool in four months and... i didn't die. this is the first time, though, that i didn't feel AWESOME times 100 about 4 laps in. i think that means i really needed it.
but man, oh man! those queens are MEAN who are at the pool! DAMN! i hope they're not there everyday.
tonight was my first time back in the pool in four months and... i didn't die. this is the first time, though, that i didn't feel AWESOME times 100 about 4 laps in. i think that means i really needed it.
but man, oh man! those queens are MEAN who are at the pool! DAMN! i hope they're not there everyday.
there's this woman...
i want to shake her. she sits in the office next to me. i'm not really in an office, more of an open space, but she's in an office and our desks share a wall.
she's always yelling about something. it's her normal tone of voice, to yell. like she was raised in an environment of exploding bombs: literal ones.
after a week, i started to tune her out because she was only yelling at me about 28% of the time.
but, isn't it lazy and supremely rude to yell at people all the time? it's starting to feel like it.
i know she has an inside voice, i've heard her use it on VERY rare occasions.
maybe a good rap on her throat would shut her up.
she's always yelling about something. it's her normal tone of voice, to yell. like she was raised in an environment of exploding bombs: literal ones.
after a week, i started to tune her out because she was only yelling at me about 28% of the time.
but, isn't it lazy and supremely rude to yell at people all the time? it's starting to feel like it.
i know she has an inside voice, i've heard her use it on VERY rare occasions.
maybe a good rap on her throat would shut her up.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
hint fiction
this morning on the bus, i read all of the book hint fiction and loved it. these were my favorites:
"before perseus"
Medusa heaves his rigid stone form off herself and cries granite tears. The hat wasn't enough, she thinks. I need some blindfolds.
"chaste"
I always thought it would hurt more but I kind of liked it. He hoped I would. And technically, I'm still a virgin. Amen.
"jermaine's postscript to his seventh-grade poem assignment:
Ms. Tyler, the girl part was about Shantell. Please don't tell anyone.
"free enterprise"
Retail. Thirty-nine hours a week for eighteen years, she says, proud. Like she's a survivor of rape and she knows it.
"ransom"
Broke and desperate, I kidnapped myself.
Ransom notes were sent to interested parties. Later, I sent hair and fingernails, too.
They insisted on an ear.
"breaking labor news"
Our job was to lubricate the time machine and keep it oiled, but man, we just now found out we're being paid by the hour.
"before perseus"
Medusa heaves his rigid stone form off herself and cries granite tears. The hat wasn't enough, she thinks. I need some blindfolds.
"chaste"
I always thought it would hurt more but I kind of liked it. He hoped I would. And technically, I'm still a virgin. Amen.
"jermaine's postscript to his seventh-grade poem assignment:
Ms. Tyler, the girl part was about Shantell. Please don't tell anyone.
"free enterprise"
Retail. Thirty-nine hours a week for eighteen years, she says, proud. Like she's a survivor of rape and she knows it.
"ransom"
Broke and desperate, I kidnapped myself.
Ransom notes were sent to interested parties. Later, I sent hair and fingernails, too.
They insisted on an ear.
"breaking labor news"
Our job was to lubricate the time machine and keep it oiled, but man, we just now found out we're being paid by the hour.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
how is it?
that it took me 30 years to make my first apple pipe?? ha!
and how is it that i can recite all the words of "blazing saddles" now even better than when i'm not baked?
and how is it that i can recite all the words of "blazing saddles" now even better than when i'm not baked?
Friday, March 11, 2011
to all the office husbands: past, present and future
i have known you for two months. we have a light, casual friendship on a professional level because (since "office" is in your title) you don't get to see me drunk. we have lunch once every couple of weeks. you give advice on dude stuff that some always single girls don't know or don't have the patience for or care to learn about: selling cars, fixing macinery like washing machines, putting together stereo components, etc.
in exchange, i am awesome, smart, funny and i actually listen to - and am usually interested in - what you want to talk about, which is generally the stuff you like the most. all of this AND i'm not that hard on the eyes. what more could an office mate want?
so, office husband, when you tell me that you and your REAL wife are splitting up, please don't be offended when i do not accept your invitations to "hang out" outside of work hours. i am really not interested in you physically and am only marginally interested in you otherwise because you are able to hold a conversation that doesn't revolve solely around your car or your phancypants condo. as a matter of fact, your increase attentions toward me in this short period of time now make me uncomfortable. VERY uncomfortable. because i know that there is more than a little part of you hoping to get me drunk enough to let my defenses down... as evidenced that one time that you got drunk over lunch and told me so.
this is not the first time this has happened. or the second. so, believe me when i say this: our friendship needs to be put on hold until you get a girlfriend. a girlfriend who is not me.
i'm totally not sorry that i am so awesome. but you don't get to dip your wick in this company pot.
kisses!
shannon
in exchange, i am awesome, smart, funny and i actually listen to - and am usually interested in - what you want to talk about, which is generally the stuff you like the most. all of this AND i'm not that hard on the eyes. what more could an office mate want?
so, office husband, when you tell me that you and your REAL wife are splitting up, please don't be offended when i do not accept your invitations to "hang out" outside of work hours. i am really not interested in you physically and am only marginally interested in you otherwise because you are able to hold a conversation that doesn't revolve solely around your car or your phancypants condo. as a matter of fact, your increase attentions toward me in this short period of time now make me uncomfortable. VERY uncomfortable. because i know that there is more than a little part of you hoping to get me drunk enough to let my defenses down... as evidenced that one time that you got drunk over lunch and told me so.
this is not the first time this has happened. or the second. so, believe me when i say this: our friendship needs to be put on hold until you get a girlfriend. a girlfriend who is not me.
i'm totally not sorry that i am so awesome. but you don't get to dip your wick in this company pot.
kisses!
shannon
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
so until we meet again, i suppose we're just friends
my arm tucked tightly in the crook of your elbow, my hand wrapped up around your arm. i feel tall walking next to you, as though i'm a match for you tonight, even though you tower a head over me. you squeeze me closer to you as you walk me to my car - in step, in silence.
it's drizzling but not enough to notice, not enough to get wet.
when we get to the car, we hold onto each other as though we are the last things we will ever hold. it's not urgent, it's not binding, it's not gripping. it's not fraught with need, only with want - newly realized want. this is what holding should be. we envelop each other equally; my face buried in your chest, your face buried in my hair.
after a long while, we look at each other, smile and say "hi", seeing one another through a new pair of eyes. six years of curiosity, wonder, unspoken and undefinable feelings and inexplicable kinship come to a head as lips meet. tentatively at first, neither truly expecting to find that they are magnets willing themselves together; spinning around each other's surface trying to find the most sticky spot, only to find that they are all sticky in vastly different ways. furtive exploration of mouths and cheeks and tongues and chins ensues: wordlessly, breathlessly.
you pull away abruptly, sighing forcefully, saying "we shouldn't have done that." i stumble over the usual words - the wrong words - for what feels like hours when, in the heat of the moment, you exclaim - proclaim - that my wrong words are right for you, my wrong words are what you want.
confirmation that the heat of the moment is the truest of moments.
it was so unexpected that i didn't ask for clarification. i didn't ask the questions that later popped into my head, into my "right" mind. that was probably for the best.
i rest my forehead on your chest, neither of us want to let go, nor do we know how to proceed. we catch our breath and look at each other again, navigating eyes and faces to find out where we are, forgetting the magnets that live in our lips as they meet again - the only natural course, the only natural response. we give in and let them guide us, pausing for breath but no more words.
your pocket buzzes: the herald reminding us that time continues on and ours is coming to a close. our lips meet again in what we silently tell each other is a farewell kiss, foolishly thinking we have a modicum of control where out mouths are concerned. when they've had their momentary fill, we breathe and unexpected words of intimacy and consolation spill forth from the unknown: whispered softly, heard loudly.
we kiss once more - this time, more in control of our faculties - and say good bye with admonishments to take care of ourselves: take care of ourselves in exactly the way we know we can't right now.
we detach our bodies
gripping arms
sliding down to hands
as we back away from each other, not wanting to break the connection.
it's only after you're standing on the sidewalk and i've opened the car door do i realize that it's raining. really raining. and it has been the whole time, evidenced only by my hand plastering my hair to my face as i try to pry my mind from the fog.
***
this is a first time. this is a moment in time. perhaps it will be another year - another six years - before it happens again for the second time. but now i finally know what all those fairy tale kisses are about: those princesses are being awakened from an old habit, an old notion, an old feeling and seeing the world with new eyes - no more terrible vision. there is an energy within now; not nervous or anxious or scared, but an energy that requires attention: a whirlwind in the heart that finally started spinning the right way.
it's drizzling but not enough to notice, not enough to get wet.
when we get to the car, we hold onto each other as though we are the last things we will ever hold. it's not urgent, it's not binding, it's not gripping. it's not fraught with need, only with want - newly realized want. this is what holding should be. we envelop each other equally; my face buried in your chest, your face buried in my hair.
after a long while, we look at each other, smile and say "hi", seeing one another through a new pair of eyes. six years of curiosity, wonder, unspoken and undefinable feelings and inexplicable kinship come to a head as lips meet. tentatively at first, neither truly expecting to find that they are magnets willing themselves together; spinning around each other's surface trying to find the most sticky spot, only to find that they are all sticky in vastly different ways. furtive exploration of mouths and cheeks and tongues and chins ensues: wordlessly, breathlessly.
you pull away abruptly, sighing forcefully, saying "we shouldn't have done that." i stumble over the usual words - the wrong words - for what feels like hours when, in the heat of the moment, you exclaim - proclaim - that my wrong words are right for you, my wrong words are what you want.
confirmation that the heat of the moment is the truest of moments.
it was so unexpected that i didn't ask for clarification. i didn't ask the questions that later popped into my head, into my "right" mind. that was probably for the best.
i rest my forehead on your chest, neither of us want to let go, nor do we know how to proceed. we catch our breath and look at each other again, navigating eyes and faces to find out where we are, forgetting the magnets that live in our lips as they meet again - the only natural course, the only natural response. we give in and let them guide us, pausing for breath but no more words.
your pocket buzzes: the herald reminding us that time continues on and ours is coming to a close. our lips meet again in what we silently tell each other is a farewell kiss, foolishly thinking we have a modicum of control where out mouths are concerned. when they've had their momentary fill, we breathe and unexpected words of intimacy and consolation spill forth from the unknown: whispered softly, heard loudly.
we kiss once more - this time, more in control of our faculties - and say good bye with admonishments to take care of ourselves: take care of ourselves in exactly the way we know we can't right now.
we detach our bodies
gripping arms
sliding down to hands
as we back away from each other, not wanting to break the connection.
it's only after you're standing on the sidewalk and i've opened the car door do i realize that it's raining. really raining. and it has been the whole time, evidenced only by my hand plastering my hair to my face as i try to pry my mind from the fog.
***
this is a first time. this is a moment in time. perhaps it will be another year - another six years - before it happens again for the second time. but now i finally know what all those fairy tale kisses are about: those princesses are being awakened from an old habit, an old notion, an old feeling and seeing the world with new eyes - no more terrible vision. there is an energy within now; not nervous or anxious or scared, but an energy that requires attention: a whirlwind in the heart that finally started spinning the right way.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
what i require
for the past 10 years i've been stubbornly single while secretly flirting with the idea of a relationship. with a dude. that i can kiss and hug and talk to and have sex with. sometimes dangerously so, sometimes disastrously so, sometimes shamelessly so. i've broken my own heart countless times in thinking about it, ogling and leering at it. i've been my own personal tease.
and since the tease is all about being vague, i have been afraid to put into words what i require in a romantic partner. afraid because words can limit the possibilities of awesomeness of this mythical person. i haven't lived enough life to know what this "everything" that a partner should be entails - i hope to never know because that means i'm still being surprised. i have been afraid because these words, while not carved in stone, are most definitely not drawn in sand either, making it hard to justify changes and corrections and evolutions.
i equate stating what i require to defining a "type" and i don't have a "type" to be honest. at least not in the conventional definition - i have no feature requirements (barring height because i've learned my lesson more than once with this), no job requirement, no income requirement, no kid wanting requirement or marriage requirement, etc. not that this is an invitation to the slackers out there, oh no, because you'll be joyfully working hard for this radtasticness, just not in the conventional way.
i've just recently started being comfortable even discussing aloud what my "requirements" are of a partner. as a matter of fact, i started thinking about this solely because a person i know, who i thought would be the consummate single person for the rest of their life mentioned in passing that they knew what they wanted in a relationship. and it shocked me and surprised me that they were even thinking about it. i couldn't let that stand! so, taking after the only person i've talked about this with, i'm going to put it down in writing so i can stop thinking about it.
these requirements are in no particular order:
- communication: i am a tactless and honest person. i don't know how to lie. as a matter of fact, i start to stutter and stumble over my words terribly when i attempt, what i believe to be, a blatant lie so, i'm going to be communicating with you FP (fictional partner - FP from now on) and i would very much appreciate the same courtesy. if we're not having enough sex for your liking FP, please tell me, i would be more than happy to fix that for you. if you don't like the way i kiss with a little nibble FP, please think of a solution that will satisfy you and tell me about it. if you don't like that i wake up in the double digits on the weekends because you feel like the day gets wasted and you start to resent me for it, by god! wake me up and tell me! i'm a big girl and i know that EVERYONE is different, but FP, i need you to realize that i cannot read your mind.
my parents have been married for 30 years. they still don't talk to each other. i see how they walk on eggshells around each other because of it and it kills me.
- attention: i'm not good at being in the spotlight, so i'm not saying i'm that girl who needs everything to be about me. rather, what i require from you FP, is for you to realize that i'm in the room when we're in the same place. we don't have to be attached at the hip, but it would be nice to feel your eyes on me at some point of the evening - preferably with salacious intentions behind them.
i would like it if you made me feel like enough of a girl with your attention that it encourages me to wear dresses - i would wear them for you FP - because i look pretty in them and have fabulous legs that go all the way up to my ass and because dresses almost demand that the wearer be treated like a girl.
say we're in a relationship that puts thousands of miles of physical distance between us... this attention would then be in the form of phone calls or letters (yes, real ones with stamps and handwriting and invisible skin flakes so i can get the tiniest whiff of you from the letter) or electronic communications. if you are text-happy or email-happy, i require a minimum of one phone call per week so i can put a voice to the attention that i'm getting, so it can feel real instead of mechanical. i can be very good at phone sex when necessary. i've watched a lot of porn (understatement). i know what they say. there is a distance caveat as well, but that is to be discussed at another time FP.
- affection: boy! is this an important one! the last relationship i was in, we had an unspoken "one foot" rule that was to be obeyed in public. well, HE had this rule. as in, there was always one foot distance between our physical beings when we were out together. i did not like this. and it will not be tolerated this time FP. there are several reasons that this will not stand.
i'm not saying that we need to be attached at the lip or be THAT pair that is disgustingly handsy and grindy and moany, the pair that everyone in the room is looking at and thinking "unless they throw down right here in the middle of the floor and give everyone a show, they need to find a freakin' bathroom stall". i would prefer if we weren't that pair.
what i require is the knowledge that i can run up to you in a room of people, grab your arm and whisper something pertinent, inane, silly or random in your ear whilst "unintentionally" rubbing my boob against your arm and leave you with a kiss on the neck just below your ear simply because i feel like it and not have you freak out that i'm touching you in public.
i like to touch and to be touched... any and all synonyms of the word "touch" - i like them all. i also like to hold hands. A LOT. i like that more than sex, to be honest. it makes me feel accepted and wanted and that's important to anyone. damn, that's another physical requirement - you'll need at least one hand FP.
- companionship: i require that you like to spend time with me. i know that's a deal-breaker for some, but seriously, you want my cooter? i want you to put some genuine time into it. i don't want to spend every excruciating second of every minute of every day with you and have you LOVE it, no. there's no might about it - i would definitely kill you were that the case. but i want you to say "yes" to my invitations to go see shows or a movie with me. or... OR i want you to invite me to something you want to go to - motocross, monster truck rally, lumberjack guild, hockey game, etc. - so we can spend time together. dates! dates, not "hanging out", are good! i like to do a lot of things so give me a try, i probably won't say no. unless you're talking about seal clubbing. or dog fighting. or going to a casino - don't ever invite me to a casino or place of gambling. this will be further discussed at a later date.
- passion: i require that you be passionate about something that is not me. bees. nascar. hand models. toy trains. the environment. lumberjacking. spoon collecting. road trips. foot-sploshing porn. hipsters. satanism. the demise of hipsters.
i want to listen to you talk about something that makes you light up from the inside. something that gets you excited like a little child. because, if you're excited about it, i'm bound to be curious and, in turn, get excited for you once you start telling me all about it. something that gets you so excited that you bounce a little while talking about it without even realizing. it doesn't have to be what you do for a living, although that is an added bonus, but, perhaps, something that makes what you do for a living worth it.
it is unacceptable if i ask you on our first date "what do you like to do?" and your only answer is "play on the computer" even after the 4th time i've asked you, implying "i understand that you like to play on the computer, could you maybe tell me what games you play on the computer?"
- sex: uhm... it is REQUIRED that you not be afraid of sex FP. it is REQUIRED that you like sex, love it even. i've met those dudes who are afraid and who don't like it before. surprising and FRUSTRATING. i like to have sex. a lot. and i like exploring new ways to have sex. a lot. i will NEVER be that woman that withholds sex for something. i'm just punishing myself then as well, right? right. i have no size requirements and we can work on stamina of all sorts together. if you've got all of the above as well as enthusiasm and willingness to learn and take direction, i have a feeling we'd be able to work it all out.
**THE KEY**: yes, you can have everything above and still not get it right. the key to all this is:
you need to be happy in, or find happiness in, being these things for me. otherwise everything is doomed from the start.
i'm extremely sensitive to how people are feeling - i can sense resentment and grumpiness and frustration and all these negative feelings and those feelings taint the wonderful things you do for me (or my magical cooter) making them bad and gross and... sullied. everything above is too pure and good to ever be sullied. sullying is not tolerated.
i've completed an informal survey of coffee shop patrons and 100% of them stated that, yes, they broke up with (or were broken up with by) their past partners because it just didn't make them happy to make their partners happy anymore. i know that happens. i know that people change. i like that people change, but don't let your unhappiness turn into resentment FP - go back to the first item on the list and talk to me about it.
with the above the more menial wants are:
- height: i'm 5'10". that's 177cm for you metric folks. i really need you to be at least 6' (183cm) tall because i don't want to deal with the asshole that comes out because of a measly 1.5 inches. and it would be nice and interesting to learn how to wear and walk in heels.
- challenge me!: this does not mean abuse me. :)
- be a meat eater: i am. like that and like that but still eat meat like that.
- do not take yourself too seriously. if you can't laugh at you, i will eventually begin to hate you and you will probably end up having a heart attack.
- like "blazing saddles": this shouldn't be difficult, it's only the greatest movie ever made. and if you are offended by it, the probability is HIGH that i will offend you at some point.
let me wrap this up by saying that i'm not requiring anything on this list that i'm not willing to give. excited about giving, even! at all. if i'm nothing else, i'm painfully fair.
and since the tease is all about being vague, i have been afraid to put into words what i require in a romantic partner. afraid because words can limit the possibilities of awesomeness of this mythical person. i haven't lived enough life to know what this "everything" that a partner should be entails - i hope to never know because that means i'm still being surprised. i have been afraid because these words, while not carved in stone, are most definitely not drawn in sand either, making it hard to justify changes and corrections and evolutions.
i equate stating what i require to defining a "type" and i don't have a "type" to be honest. at least not in the conventional definition - i have no feature requirements (barring height because i've learned my lesson more than once with this), no job requirement, no income requirement, no kid wanting requirement or marriage requirement, etc. not that this is an invitation to the slackers out there, oh no, because you'll be joyfully working hard for this radtasticness, just not in the conventional way.
i've just recently started being comfortable even discussing aloud what my "requirements" are of a partner. as a matter of fact, i started thinking about this solely because a person i know, who i thought would be the consummate single person for the rest of their life mentioned in passing that they knew what they wanted in a relationship. and it shocked me and surprised me that they were even thinking about it. i couldn't let that stand! so, taking after the only person i've talked about this with, i'm going to put it down in writing so i can stop thinking about it.
these requirements are in no particular order:
- communication: i am a tactless and honest person. i don't know how to lie. as a matter of fact, i start to stutter and stumble over my words terribly when i attempt, what i believe to be, a blatant lie so, i'm going to be communicating with you FP (fictional partner - FP from now on) and i would very much appreciate the same courtesy. if we're not having enough sex for your liking FP, please tell me, i would be more than happy to fix that for you. if you don't like the way i kiss with a little nibble FP, please think of a solution that will satisfy you and tell me about it. if you don't like that i wake up in the double digits on the weekends because you feel like the day gets wasted and you start to resent me for it, by god! wake me up and tell me! i'm a big girl and i know that EVERYONE is different, but FP, i need you to realize that i cannot read your mind.
my parents have been married for 30 years. they still don't talk to each other. i see how they walk on eggshells around each other because of it and it kills me.
- attention: i'm not good at being in the spotlight, so i'm not saying i'm that girl who needs everything to be about me. rather, what i require from you FP, is for you to realize that i'm in the room when we're in the same place. we don't have to be attached at the hip, but it would be nice to feel your eyes on me at some point of the evening - preferably with salacious intentions behind them.
i would like it if you made me feel like enough of a girl with your attention that it encourages me to wear dresses - i would wear them for you FP - because i look pretty in them and have fabulous legs that go all the way up to my ass and because dresses almost demand that the wearer be treated like a girl.
say we're in a relationship that puts thousands of miles of physical distance between us... this attention would then be in the form of phone calls or letters (yes, real ones with stamps and handwriting and invisible skin flakes so i can get the tiniest whiff of you from the letter) or electronic communications. if you are text-happy or email-happy, i require a minimum of one phone call per week so i can put a voice to the attention that i'm getting, so it can feel real instead of mechanical. i can be very good at phone sex when necessary. i've watched a lot of porn (understatement). i know what they say. there is a distance caveat as well, but that is to be discussed at another time FP.
- affection: boy! is this an important one! the last relationship i was in, we had an unspoken "one foot" rule that was to be obeyed in public. well, HE had this rule. as in, there was always one foot distance between our physical beings when we were out together. i did not like this. and it will not be tolerated this time FP. there are several reasons that this will not stand.
i'm not saying that we need to be attached at the lip or be THAT pair that is disgustingly handsy and grindy and moany, the pair that everyone in the room is looking at and thinking "unless they throw down right here in the middle of the floor and give everyone a show, they need to find a freakin' bathroom stall". i would prefer if we weren't that pair.
what i require is the knowledge that i can run up to you in a room of people, grab your arm and whisper something pertinent, inane, silly or random in your ear whilst "unintentionally" rubbing my boob against your arm and leave you with a kiss on the neck just below your ear simply because i feel like it and not have you freak out that i'm touching you in public.
i like to touch and to be touched... any and all synonyms of the word "touch" - i like them all. i also like to hold hands. A LOT. i like that more than sex, to be honest. it makes me feel accepted and wanted and that's important to anyone. damn, that's another physical requirement - you'll need at least one hand FP.
- companionship: i require that you like to spend time with me. i know that's a deal-breaker for some, but seriously, you want my cooter? i want you to put some genuine time into it. i don't want to spend every excruciating second of every minute of every day with you and have you LOVE it, no. there's no might about it - i would definitely kill you were that the case. but i want you to say "yes" to my invitations to go see shows or a movie with me. or... OR i want you to invite me to something you want to go to - motocross, monster truck rally, lumberjack guild, hockey game, etc. - so we can spend time together. dates! dates, not "hanging out", are good! i like to do a lot of things so give me a try, i probably won't say no. unless you're talking about seal clubbing. or dog fighting. or going to a casino - don't ever invite me to a casino or place of gambling. this will be further discussed at a later date.
- passion: i require that you be passionate about something that is not me. bees. nascar. hand models. toy trains. the environment. lumberjacking. spoon collecting. road trips. foot-sploshing porn. hipsters. satanism. the demise of hipsters.
i want to listen to you talk about something that makes you light up from the inside. something that gets you excited like a little child. because, if you're excited about it, i'm bound to be curious and, in turn, get excited for you once you start telling me all about it. something that gets you so excited that you bounce a little while talking about it without even realizing. it doesn't have to be what you do for a living, although that is an added bonus, but, perhaps, something that makes what you do for a living worth it.
it is unacceptable if i ask you on our first date "what do you like to do?" and your only answer is "play on the computer" even after the 4th time i've asked you, implying "i understand that you like to play on the computer, could you maybe tell me what games you play on the computer?"
- sex: uhm... it is REQUIRED that you not be afraid of sex FP. it is REQUIRED that you like sex, love it even. i've met those dudes who are afraid and who don't like it before. surprising and FRUSTRATING. i like to have sex. a lot. and i like exploring new ways to have sex. a lot. i will NEVER be that woman that withholds sex for something. i'm just punishing myself then as well, right? right. i have no size requirements and we can work on stamina of all sorts together. if you've got all of the above as well as enthusiasm and willingness to learn and take direction, i have a feeling we'd be able to work it all out.
**THE KEY**: yes, you can have everything above and still not get it right. the key to all this is:
you need to be happy in, or find happiness in, being these things for me. otherwise everything is doomed from the start.
i'm extremely sensitive to how people are feeling - i can sense resentment and grumpiness and frustration and all these negative feelings and those feelings taint the wonderful things you do for me (or my magical cooter) making them bad and gross and... sullied. everything above is too pure and good to ever be sullied. sullying is not tolerated.
i've completed an informal survey of coffee shop patrons and 100% of them stated that, yes, they broke up with (or were broken up with by) their past partners because it just didn't make them happy to make their partners happy anymore. i know that happens. i know that people change. i like that people change, but don't let your unhappiness turn into resentment FP - go back to the first item on the list and talk to me about it.
with the above the more menial wants are:
- height: i'm 5'10". that's 177cm for you metric folks. i really need you to be at least 6' (183cm) tall because i don't want to deal with the asshole that comes out because of a measly 1.5 inches. and it would be nice and interesting to learn how to wear and walk in heels.
- challenge me!: this does not mean abuse me. :)
- do not take yourself too seriously. if you can't laugh at you, i will eventually begin to hate you and you will probably end up having a heart attack.
- like "blazing saddles": this shouldn't be difficult, it's only the greatest movie ever made. and if you are offended by it, the probability is HIGH that i will offend you at some point.
let me wrap this up by saying that i'm not requiring anything on this list that i'm not willing to give. excited about giving, even! at all. if i'm nothing else, i'm painfully fair.
Monday, December 13, 2010
my darling dearest seven:
it has been almost 2 months since i've written here! since i've visited you! i blame the writing class. that's all over. for now. until january 8th.
what i have learned from that class is that it takes a different kind of stamina than i have currently to write all the time and to write to someone else's specifications. the latter is the harder part, really. i'm still astounded by how utterly exhausted i was almost immediately upon completion of that class. and since i didn't have the luxury of sleeping in the next day or the day after that, i had to wait until friday night and saturday before i could truly give in to the tyty. and boy, did i ever. i slept soundly and throughly from 11:30pm to 4:15pm - 16 hours!! whoa! that's kind of unacceptable. :)
so, in an effort to increase my writing stamina, i intend to do a little writing all through this break. first things first, i'm going to do my kanye geek out for megz. then, i've been tossing around a dream expansion/maybe short story thing. but i'm not sure about that one. i'll take ideas from other people as well to see what happens.
i am thoroughly enjoying reading for pleasure right now - mr. wesley stace is pulling me along at a gentle pace, but i have a feeling it's going to get meatier in a bit - we're onto the shaving part already!
i promise not to neglect you so in the future. i need to see you as the valuable tool that you are and take advantage of you!
kisses!
what i have learned from that class is that it takes a different kind of stamina than i have currently to write all the time and to write to someone else's specifications. the latter is the harder part, really. i'm still astounded by how utterly exhausted i was almost immediately upon completion of that class. and since i didn't have the luxury of sleeping in the next day or the day after that, i had to wait until friday night and saturday before i could truly give in to the tyty. and boy, did i ever. i slept soundly and throughly from 11:30pm to 4:15pm - 16 hours!! whoa! that's kind of unacceptable. :)
so, in an effort to increase my writing stamina, i intend to do a little writing all through this break. first things first, i'm going to do my kanye geek out for megz. then, i've been tossing around a dream expansion/maybe short story thing. but i'm not sure about that one. i'll take ideas from other people as well to see what happens.
i am thoroughly enjoying reading for pleasure right now - mr. wesley stace is pulling me along at a gentle pace, but i have a feeling it's going to get meatier in a bit - we're onto the shaving part already!
i promise not to neglect you so in the future. i need to see you as the valuable tool that you are and take advantage of you!
kisses!
Saturday, October 23, 2010
i love tom waits (but not only for the reasons you may think)
i LOVE tom waits. he fills my geeky heart to beyond full for several reasons.
yes, he's an incredible and unique artist and musician in his own right, making use of the tools at his disposal, whether they're "acceptable" to others (the mainstream) or not.
yes, he writes awesomely rad songs and has a wonderful vision of music that he manages to convey in the most unexpected ways.
but today, i love tom waits because he too, is a music geek. and now i feel like i can relate on a completely different level.
tom waits is one of MAYBE a handful of musicians who would be able to say "i don't go see live music. why should i?" or "i don't like live shows or listening to other musicians - it distracts my 'vision' and songwriting ability" and have those sentiments not distract from the value of my listening experience.
i do not understand musicians who don't go to live shows or listen to music. i don't understand writers who don't read. i don't understand artists who don't enjoy art. i know these people, but i do not understand them.
and, admittedly, i'm judgy of them because it seems snooty to me. how can you think that you have nothing to learn from others who are doing the same thing you are on some level? that you're the be all and end all? how can your music, writing, art, etc. grow if you limit your perspective so much? how can you NOT find something to appreciate?
*tangent start*
ten years ago i dated a musician who didn't go to live shows of current musicians, who didn't listen to other current music. he wouldn't go see or listen to anyone who started making music during or after he started making music because "they're doing the same thing as i am" (his words, not mine) it took all i had not to say, "yeah, well, they're playing to *insert any number here* people every night and you're not. you don't think you might have something to learn from them? you don't think there's something to appreciate about that?" i had to keep the peace somehow, right? sensitive guy joes, those musicians. he wasn't very good then and something tells me he isn't very good now.
besides, he made me go see the cure. and i didn't like the cure to begin with, but seeing robert smith blown up into a large sad clown with bad makeup and scraggly, electrified hair only made me pity him, not appreciate him.
*tangent end*
but tom waits? tom waits goes to live shows. tom waits is geeky enough about music that he'll call up his "people" and say, "how do i get to talk to _______?"
and then it happens.
and then he writes about it.
in mojo.
and it's awesome.
as a matter of fact, the first line in the article i just read (thanks meg) is, "i first saw hank iii maybe two years ago..." implying that he's seen hank iii live more than once!
what??!
TOM WAITS IS A MUSIC GEEK.
it is my dream that one day i will have some kind of mystical sway and that i will have "people" that i can "call" and say "how do i get to talk to tom waits?" so we can geek out together about music and books and everything.
and then it'll happen.
and then i'll write about it.
it won't show up anywhere. except, maybe, here.
and then he'll write about it.
in mojo.
and it will be incredibly surreal and awesome.
i think i'm just going to use awesome one more time in this post.
awesome.
yes, he's an incredible and unique artist and musician in his own right, making use of the tools at his disposal, whether they're "acceptable" to others (the mainstream) or not.
yes, he writes awesomely rad songs and has a wonderful vision of music that he manages to convey in the most unexpected ways.
but today, i love tom waits because he too, is a music geek. and now i feel like i can relate on a completely different level.
tom waits is one of MAYBE a handful of musicians who would be able to say "i don't go see live music. why should i?" or "i don't like live shows or listening to other musicians - it distracts my 'vision' and songwriting ability" and have those sentiments not distract from the value of my listening experience.
i do not understand musicians who don't go to live shows or listen to music. i don't understand writers who don't read. i don't understand artists who don't enjoy art. i know these people, but i do not understand them.
and, admittedly, i'm judgy of them because it seems snooty to me. how can you think that you have nothing to learn from others who are doing the same thing you are on some level? that you're the be all and end all? how can your music, writing, art, etc. grow if you limit your perspective so much? how can you NOT find something to appreciate?
*tangent start*
ten years ago i dated a musician who didn't go to live shows of current musicians, who didn't listen to other current music. he wouldn't go see or listen to anyone who started making music during or after he started making music because "they're doing the same thing as i am" (his words, not mine) it took all i had not to say, "yeah, well, they're playing to *insert any number here* people every night and you're not. you don't think you might have something to learn from them? you don't think there's something to appreciate about that?" i had to keep the peace somehow, right? sensitive guy joes, those musicians. he wasn't very good then and something tells me he isn't very good now.
besides, he made me go see the cure. and i didn't like the cure to begin with, but seeing robert smith blown up into a large sad clown with bad makeup and scraggly, electrified hair only made me pity him, not appreciate him.
*tangent end*
but tom waits? tom waits goes to live shows. tom waits is geeky enough about music that he'll call up his "people" and say, "how do i get to talk to _______?"
and then it happens.
and then he writes about it.
in mojo.
and it's awesome.
as a matter of fact, the first line in the article i just read (thanks meg) is, "i first saw hank iii maybe two years ago..." implying that he's seen hank iii live more than once!
what??!
TOM WAITS IS A MUSIC GEEK.
it is my dream that one day i will have some kind of mystical sway and that i will have "people" that i can "call" and say "how do i get to talk to tom waits?" so we can geek out together about music and books and everything.
and then it'll happen.
and then i'll write about it.
it won't show up anywhere. except, maybe, here.
and then he'll write about it.
in mojo.
and it will be incredibly surreal and awesome.
i think i'm just going to use awesome one more time in this post.
awesome.
Friday, October 22, 2010
advice
from one "professional" to... all you out there.
if you intend to purchase a home or refinance your current home, do everyone involved in the process a favor:
do NOT send double-sided copies of the information we request, you patchouli-doused hippies. this does NOT save trees. you know why? because we just make copies of the other sides and VOILA! another tree dead.
as well, do not provide items that are STAPLED. nonono. we're smart and can figure out when one bank statement ends and another begins. we remove the staples anyway. and if we miss one, it totally fucks up the endless copying we have to do.
we understand that you do this out of the kindness of your heart, thinking that it helps us and/or the precious "environment".
that's very nice of you.
really
.
.
.
but when you do this we totally call you nasty names behind your back and curse the horse you rode in on.
just letting you know.
if you intend to purchase a home or refinance your current home, do everyone involved in the process a favor:
do NOT send double-sided copies of the information we request, you patchouli-doused hippies. this does NOT save trees. you know why? because we just make copies of the other sides and VOILA! another tree dead.
as well, do not provide items that are STAPLED. nonono. we're smart and can figure out when one bank statement ends and another begins. we remove the staples anyway. and if we miss one, it totally fucks up the endless copying we have to do.
we understand that you do this out of the kindness of your heart, thinking that it helps us and/or the precious "environment".
that's very nice of you.
really
.
.
.
but when you do this we totally call you nasty names behind your back and curse the horse you rode in on.
just letting you know.
Friday, October 15, 2010
w.h.i.s.k.e.y.
"what does a double jamesons run here?"
"five (shown with her delicate hand, each digit splayed)"
"three shots please." as i lay my id and the twenty dollar bill flat on the mahogany
she brings the three double shots over, examines my id and takes the cash
"do you want to ope..." "wait"
"i don't need anything back. keep it"
first shot goes down. deep and sweet
"are you su.."
halfway through the second shot...
"please. keep it."
"ok."
"rough day?"
"understatement." as i pick up the third
the third is gone and i leave the cellar. 1/3 of the people who saw me come in are watching me leave
i feel it pouring down my esophagus. warm and tingly, as i round onto overton
i feel it warming me on my left
then on my right
in my tummy now - as i head home in the chill
so warm and comforting
it's in my intestines now
as i step into my apartment
i can feel the comforting tingle in my toes
as i crack open another oatmeal creme pie
"mmmm.... whiskey. you make everything ... almost... livable."
"five (shown with her delicate hand, each digit splayed)"
"three shots please." as i lay my id and the twenty dollar bill flat on the mahogany
she brings the three double shots over, examines my id and takes the cash
"do you want to ope..." "wait"
"i don't need anything back. keep it"
first shot goes down. deep and sweet
"are you su.."
halfway through the second shot...
"please. keep it."
"ok."
"rough day?"
"understatement." as i pick up the third
the third is gone and i leave the cellar. 1/3 of the people who saw me come in are watching me leave
i feel it pouring down my esophagus. warm and tingly, as i round onto overton
i feel it warming me on my left
then on my right
in my tummy now - as i head home in the chill
so warm and comforting
it's in my intestines now
as i step into my apartment
i can feel the comforting tingle in my toes
as i crack open another oatmeal creme pie
"mmmm.... whiskey. you make everything ... almost... livable."
Thursday, October 14, 2010
learning
the hard way that there is an enormously ravenous divide between "will do" and "want to".
only sometimes is there an imperceptible and highly-precarious bridge between the two.
too bad it can't be as fun as "3 the hard way" (HA!) or even "7 the hard way".(OUCH!)
only sometimes is there an imperceptible and highly-precarious bridge between the two.
too bad it can't be as fun as "3 the hard way" (HA!) or even "7 the hard way".(OUCH!)
Saturday, October 9, 2010
thinking
i choose to think about the rain as iocaine powder: with exposure to small doses and gradual increases, i will eventually build up an immunity.
Friday, October 1, 2010
i'm just going to say it:
going out by yourself is RIDICULOUSLY LAME.
for years now i've done almost all my "socializing" (i use that term extremely loosely) by going out by myself - not going out alone to meet up with people, but...
going. out. alone. full stop.
no one to dance with, no one to laugh with, no one to talk to, no one to observe other people with, no one to share awesome rad new bands with. you get the picture.
oh, and you're also that chick that people look at with pity because you're alone, but they don't pity your situation enough to want to talk to you. i get those looks EVERYDAY.
over the years i've kept my chin up about it. i tell everyone "it's all good, i LIKE doing things on my own". which was true at one time. and which is still true SOMETIMES. but doing things alone is so much more rad when you have the option of going with someone else. you savor the time alone more.
sweetly supportive people in couple units try their best to grin and say "that's great that you can do that!" while inwardly thinking, "gee, that sucks." and they're right. it sucks limey donkey balls.
i'm so over this. it has just gotten worse with time, not better. i do this to myself and i wish i knew how to stop.
joel plaskett radness couldn't even get me out of this funk, so i'm pulling out the big guns: "the incredible mr. limpet". this better work.
for years now i've done almost all my "socializing" (i use that term extremely loosely) by going out by myself - not going out alone to meet up with people, but...
going. out. alone. full stop.
no one to dance with, no one to laugh with, no one to talk to, no one to observe other people with, no one to share awesome rad new bands with. you get the picture.
oh, and you're also that chick that people look at with pity because you're alone, but they don't pity your situation enough to want to talk to you. i get those looks EVERYDAY.
over the years i've kept my chin up about it. i tell everyone "it's all good, i LIKE doing things on my own". which was true at one time. and which is still true SOMETIMES. but doing things alone is so much more rad when you have the option of going with someone else. you savor the time alone more.
sweetly supportive people in couple units try their best to grin and say "that's great that you can do that!" while inwardly thinking, "gee, that sucks." and they're right. it sucks limey donkey balls.
i'm so over this. it has just gotten worse with time, not better. i do this to myself and i wish i knew how to stop.
joel plaskett radness couldn't even get me out of this funk, so i'm pulling out the big guns: "the incredible mr. limpet". this better work.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
touch
human touch is a strong and incredible tool that i don't think enough of us realize we have at our disposal. it makes us feel connected to one another. it promotes trust in one another. it allows for the trade of energy between people. the way people touch one another speaks volumes about how they feel about each other.
for me, personally, touch relaxes. and, since i don't get a lot of it, it haunts me.
the feeling of a hand at the small of my back makes me feel protected and guided. and i'm totally cool if that hand "accidentally" moves down to grab a little ass.
the feeling of a hand stroking my back in long, assertive strokes makes me limp and purr like a kitten. it's soothing and relaxing - the more assertive the pressure, the more relaxed i get. i feel like i can let the world go and breathe the way i'm meant to breathe when someone strokes my back like that.
hugs are awesome. with the right hug, i can melt into the other person and not even notice the world around me which is a right tough thing for me to do any other time. a hug lets me forget about all the aholes i have to deal with on a daily basis. and there are so many different kinds of hugs for different situations, they're like languages in their variety and, therefore, fascinating to me.
i loath to mention this, but i think it's a lovely idea: we all know my slight disdain for one jason "chapman" (ok, jason mraz - but he sounds like tracy chapman!) but that dude has a tattoo on his shoulder that simply says "rest area" and i LOVE that idea. because it's so true. and that's what hugs do - they're fuel.
kisses are similar to hugs, but the minor differences make them vastly different. i don't even think i have words for kisses, all i know is that my mouth and i remember them all. some, most definitely, more than others.
holding hands has to be my most cherished form of touch. more than hugs, more than kissing, more than sex, more than anything else is holding hands. its such a simple gesture and it says so much, consciously and unconsciously. holding hands between friends and lovers says (to me) "hey, i'm hanging out with/lovin' on this person and i don't care who knows it." holding hands is subtle and powerful. lots of energy, calming, healing, nurturing energy is passed through the hands.
i think about all these things, and in this detail, because i CRAVE human touch. and as much as i crave it, is as little of it as i receive.
the last hug i had was just over a month ago. the last hand holding, as well, just over a month ago. the last squishy, melty, "let everything go" hug, 5 months ago. last drunken kiss, january 3, 2010. last sober kiss, 1 year ago.
i can't remember the last time someone held my hand in public.
these statistics make me sad. they make me feel cold. they make me feel unlovable and untouchable. they make me feel empty and devoid of human connection. and i'm not sure how to make it better. do i just go up to random strangers and say "hey, let's hold hands"?
like that's going to win me any favors.
thanks for the vent, blog.
for me, personally, touch relaxes. and, since i don't get a lot of it, it haunts me.
the feeling of a hand at the small of my back makes me feel protected and guided. and i'm totally cool if that hand "accidentally" moves down to grab a little ass.
the feeling of a hand stroking my back in long, assertive strokes makes me limp and purr like a kitten. it's soothing and relaxing - the more assertive the pressure, the more relaxed i get. i feel like i can let the world go and breathe the way i'm meant to breathe when someone strokes my back like that.
hugs are awesome. with the right hug, i can melt into the other person and not even notice the world around me which is a right tough thing for me to do any other time. a hug lets me forget about all the aholes i have to deal with on a daily basis. and there are so many different kinds of hugs for different situations, they're like languages in their variety and, therefore, fascinating to me.
i loath to mention this, but i think it's a lovely idea: we all know my slight disdain for one jason "chapman" (ok, jason mraz - but he sounds like tracy chapman!) but that dude has a tattoo on his shoulder that simply says "rest area" and i LOVE that idea. because it's so true. and that's what hugs do - they're fuel.
kisses are similar to hugs, but the minor differences make them vastly different. i don't even think i have words for kisses, all i know is that my mouth and i remember them all. some, most definitely, more than others.
holding hands has to be my most cherished form of touch. more than hugs, more than kissing, more than sex, more than anything else is holding hands. its such a simple gesture and it says so much, consciously and unconsciously. holding hands between friends and lovers says (to me) "hey, i'm hanging out with/lovin' on this person and i don't care who knows it." holding hands is subtle and powerful. lots of energy, calming, healing, nurturing energy is passed through the hands.
i think about all these things, and in this detail, because i CRAVE human touch. and as much as i crave it, is as little of it as i receive.
the last hug i had was just over a month ago. the last hand holding, as well, just over a month ago. the last squishy, melty, "let everything go" hug, 5 months ago. last drunken kiss, january 3, 2010. last sober kiss, 1 year ago.
i can't remember the last time someone held my hand in public.
these statistics make me sad. they make me feel cold. they make me feel unlovable and untouchable. they make me feel empty and devoid of human connection. and i'm not sure how to make it better. do i just go up to random strangers and say "hey, let's hold hands"?
like that's going to win me any favors.
thanks for the vent, blog.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
lunch time
it's rare that i take a lunch here at my job. there are several reasons that factor into this, but the main one is that i just don't have anywhere to go at lunch and i don't do too well being idle, so i just stay at my desk because i ALWAYS have work to do. i realize that this isn't the best thing in the world - it's an issue i've had everywhere i've worked.
well, today, i've found a solution. we had an un-warned-about, un-planned-for fire drill today and while everyone was milling around the parking lot waiting for "them" to let us back in, i found a random patch of grass under a tree and just plopped down and enjoyed the sun and shade and the green green GRASS! i laid there only about 15 minutes, but i felt so relaxed afterward.
this is my new lunch time activity while the weather is still nice. if you want to find me, look for a patch of grass and i'll be there.
ps - the small faces station on pandora is the BEST STATION EVER.
well, today, i've found a solution. we had an un-warned-about, un-planned-for fire drill today and while everyone was milling around the parking lot waiting for "them" to let us back in, i found a random patch of grass under a tree and just plopped down and enjoyed the sun and shade and the green green GRASS! i laid there only about 15 minutes, but i felt so relaxed afterward.
this is my new lunch time activity while the weather is still nice. if you want to find me, look for a patch of grass and i'll be there.
ps - the small faces station on pandora is the BEST STATION EVER.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
another gripe
dear august in portland:
do you know what i bought today?
a DOWN COMFORTER. warmth level 4.
why? because last night was COLD and tonight will be too.
did you know it was 102 in austin today with a heat index of 108? why can't you take a little bit of that away from them?
that's all.
ps - why does my computer beep at me everytime i type "from"?
do you know what i bought today?
a DOWN COMFORTER. warmth level 4.
why? because last night was COLD and tonight will be too.
did you know it was 102 in austin today with a heat index of 108? why can't you take a little bit of that away from them?
that's all.
ps - why does my computer beep at me everytime i type "from"?
Monday, August 16, 2010
soopa!
dear supergreens:
you are gross. your chocolate flavoredness is even grosser. and you give me a weird kind of reflux if i don't have food within about 30 minutes of drinking you that i can only imagine is heartburn. i've never really had heartburn, so i don't know.
but you make me feel AMAZING. and so INSTANTLY.
example: i was feeling like SHIT ON A STICK on saturday morning when i went to school for an open house. i should have been excited. it was school! there were cookies! but no, i wanted to toss my cookies instead. so, i left early and remembered as i was limping home that i needed to get you so i could build my immune system and stop being in this weird "i can't move after 7:30pm because i'm SO EXHAUSTED" thing i've had going on for the past few weeks. i stop by the new seasons and get some, get home, wait about 30 minutes and then have a scoop with some water.
geh. you are SO gross. but you're going to curb my chocolate milk addiction, so that's good.
i shit you not, 10 minutes later i was no longer blech-y in the stomach and i had this surge of energy that lasted well into the night. i was zoomin' everywhere!
and then i did it again on sunday. same results!!
and this morning - before swimming?? awesome perfection radness!
i guess i gotta keep drinking you. you're good for me and (my) shit, so i guess you're gonna stay around.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
friday night musings
lately i've been thinking about the factory settings in/on people, mainly with regards to hearts and how they feel. in general... about certain things... and if certain thoughts or feelings are, indeed, set in the factory or are they after-market modifications?
here's my game for you:
FACTORY SETTING (are we born this way?)
or
AFTER-MARKET MODIFICATION (does culture/setting/how we were raised/etc effect our feelings about "x"?)
monogamy?
promiscuity?
homosexuality?
heterosexuality?
asexuality?
comfort in solitude?
the NEED to be with others/another or co-dependency?
acceptance? of others. of yourself. of situations.
judgment? of others. of yourself. of situations.
fear? of others. of yourself. of situations.
honesty? with others. with yourself. with situations.
magic?
music?
creativity?
spirituality (however you may define that)?
fortitude?
stamina/patience? for others. for yourself. for situations.
are we programmed at the beginning to love certain people or all people? no matter their character, standing, attitude, in spite of their shortcomings and overwhelmingly for their attractive qualities? i know that our capacity to love others is heavily influenced by many outside factors, but - even though i know i'll never know - i'll never stop wondering about that capacity, pure and untarnished.
i happen to like the random, kinda junky and cluttered, but wholly magical place where i gathered my after-market modifications. i feel like 90% of them are definite and awesome upgrades. the other 10%? well... who wants to be 100% awesome 100% of the time? that's gotta be 47% exhausting!
maybe because it's friday and a walk about the neighborhood shows that it's date night. it gets my brain working overtime about how people in pairs interact with each other and why they do it - imagining scenarios and little vignettes about pairs based on the brief and passing energy i sense from them. maybe that's why i get to wondering about these things. if nothing else, it'll get my half-a-reader to thinking. *grin*
things like this make me want to randomly blurt out "lickalottapuss!" and then laugh like a deranged 6 year old.
here's my game for you:
FACTORY SETTING (are we born this way?)
or
AFTER-MARKET MODIFICATION (does culture/setting/how we were raised/etc effect our feelings about "x"?)
monogamy?
promiscuity?
homosexuality?
heterosexuality?
asexuality?
comfort in solitude?
the NEED to be with others/another or co-dependency?
acceptance? of others. of yourself. of situations.
judgment? of others. of yourself. of situations.
fear? of others. of yourself. of situations.
honesty? with others. with yourself. with situations.
magic?
music?
creativity?
spirituality (however you may define that)?
fortitude?
stamina/patience? for others. for yourself. for situations.
are we programmed at the beginning to love certain people or all people? no matter their character, standing, attitude, in spite of their shortcomings and overwhelmingly for their attractive qualities? i know that our capacity to love others is heavily influenced by many outside factors, but - even though i know i'll never know - i'll never stop wondering about that capacity, pure and untarnished.
i happen to like the random, kinda junky and cluttered, but wholly magical place where i gathered my after-market modifications. i feel like 90% of them are definite and awesome upgrades. the other 10%? well... who wants to be 100% awesome 100% of the time? that's gotta be 47% exhausting!
maybe because it's friday and a walk about the neighborhood shows that it's date night. it gets my brain working overtime about how people in pairs interact with each other and why they do it - imagining scenarios and little vignettes about pairs based on the brief and passing energy i sense from them. maybe that's why i get to wondering about these things. if nothing else, it'll get my half-a-reader to thinking. *grin*
things like this make me want to randomly blurt out "lickalottapuss!" and then laugh like a deranged 6 year old.
Monday, August 2, 2010
gata
this cat. this cat thinks that i'm it's person that feeds it (i never have and i never will). this cat thinks that my house is it's house. this cat follows me everywhere i go. i negotiate with it for 5 minutes every evening so i can get into my house without it jetting in behind me.
this cat is ALWAYS purring. sometimes it's an angry purr, sometimes it's an awesome purr. it's entire body moves when it purrs - it purrs so strongly. this cat has MAJOR amounts of energy. and not necessarily the playful, bouncy energy that cute kittehs have, no, this cat exudes intense energy.
this cat is super overstimulated. to the point where it'll come up to me, wind through my legs for about 10 minutes, obviously wanting some love, and i'll do a little VERY light petting, and then, when it is indicating that it wants more petting and i give it what it wants, it screeches, hisses and runs away for a minute then looks at me and comes back.
this cat only does all of the above with me.
why does that sound familiar?
Saturday, July 31, 2010
conversations with the fuzzy sweater
fuzzy sweater (fs): *yawn* heeeeeeyy shannon... wha... why are you pulling me out? isn't it, uh...
me: isn't it 2 o'clock in the afternoon on a beau... bal... sum... um, July 31st? why yes, yes it is.
fs: uhm... *awkward silence*
me: no, it's not ironical. it's ridiculously necessary.
here's portland's wholly deserved WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
swan song
dear genie:
tomorrow marks your swan song. the last day you will take me to work, possibly the last day you are "in commission". though our time together has been short, it's been intense and i will miss you a whole heck of a lot.
you were everything i needed in our short time together. you got me to portland without a hitch. you got me around enough to get a job. i love that you were my house for a month when i first got here to portland. it wasn't as bad as most people may think - i think we had fun together trying to find the good places to be every night, trying to find the free internet, keeping each other safe through the nights. i love that you had "tricks" to you. that you have a unique "anti-theft device" in the guise of a screwhead on the driver side door panel. i love your sounds (except that death-dealing grindy whir) and rattles.
the happy screw:
i'm donating you to kexp because the dealership said that it would be more for them to do all the title stuff, etc. needed to get you all ready to go than they would give me for you as a trade-in.
i like that you will go to a cause that's near and dear to my heart and ears. i hope they fix you and that you make kexp lots of money from your sale at auction. until i know though, you are being gracefully sent to car heaven where you will romp with broncos and mustangs galore in fields of fluffy grass and fun 4-wheelin' hijinx.
i love you genie!
Saturday, July 24, 2010
evil
saint cupcake. yes, you are evil. why? several reasons:
- you have "dots" where it makes you feel like you're not being so bad by only having a tiny cupcake
- there's something magically smooth, yet "staying" about your frosting
- you have day-old mystery boxes for only $5 - 12 dots or 6 whole cupcakes
- you are 5 blocks from my house
what you see above are the red velvet and a "big top" dots. the big top is a cupcake with chocolate chips. like a chocolate chip cookie cupcake.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
moral dilemma
ok, so, i need to get a bike (amongst many other things at this juncture) so i can get off my scared ass and get riding around. and there is this SUPER CUTE little red bike that's just my style that's sitting right outside the courtyard.
it's been sitting there neglected for the month that i've been here. i pass by it, looking at it longingly, everyday. it has COBWEBS on the handlebars, that's how long it's been sitting there waiting for someone to love it and ride it.
question: is it wrong that i want to pop the U-lock on it and love it up and make it mine? because i would and could, but i don't want to break some weird karmic law. i feel like the owner or whomever put it there and ignored it has broken a karmic law by doing that! but that may just be my justification for wanting it and wanting to make it mine.
thoughts? i need a moral compass here. *smile*
it's been sitting there neglected for the month that i've been here. i pass by it, looking at it longingly, everyday. it has COBWEBS on the handlebars, that's how long it's been sitting there waiting for someone to love it and ride it.
question: is it wrong that i want to pop the U-lock on it and love it up and make it mine? because i would and could, but i don't want to break some weird karmic law. i feel like the owner or whomever put it there and ignored it has broken a karmic law by doing that! but that may just be my justification for wanting it and wanting to make it mine.
thoughts? i need a moral compass here. *smile*
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
i've got it!
i know why i'm so... grrrrrr... about working in mortgage again. its because i now have a goal. a goal that will get me out of mortgage and hopefully into something i dig doing. and now that i have a goal and am outlining a plan, i have no patience for the job i do or the idiots i work with. it's such a rad plan!! i wanna do it now!! geesh!
Thursday, July 15, 2010
tmobile
is going to make me cry. they are asshated motherfuckers and can't seem to do anything right. i'm going on day FOUR of trying to get a TMOBILE NUMBER PORTED TO A TMOBILE ACCOUNT. how fucking hard can that be?!?! and they can't tell me what the hold up is just that they need another 24 hours. just like they needed another 24 hours the day before. and another 24 hours the day before that.
i want my phone number goddammit!! and i want to punch someone in the dick. and i want a hot fudge sundae. and i want to cry.
i want my phone number goddammit!! and i want to punch someone in the dick. and i want a hot fudge sundae. and i want to cry.
Monday, July 12, 2010
recurring - interpretations welcome!
PART of a dream. i would not mind an interpretation.
there is a older white minivan - a chrysler town and country to be exact, but the totally boxy looking '80's one - parked facing downward on a slight hill with no other cars around. sometimes there are small children (between 1 and 4 in quantity) sometimes there are old people, sometimes it's just one or 2 "normal" people, but there's always some kind of people life in the vehicle.
this minivan is a kind of experiment or test vehicle used for training purposes for a type of entity of which i'm not sure yet. and in every dream, the van blows up - but always in a different way. it seems that the people who are in training (never the same as the people in the van) are supposed to fix the van or prevent it from blowing up or do something with regards to the van without thought to the people inside. sometimes the people inside die, sometimes, they're just severely hurt, but they're just left there.
along with all this, there is a corporatey sciency aspect to it because there is always reference to and a flash to a very clean and clinical looking office setting where muckety-mucks are sitting around a conference table analysing the explosion and casualties and how the van did this with this stimulus, etc. etc. etc.
this little vignette has shown up in my dreams for the past few nights, whether i've been dreaming about something similar or not. and sometimes the van blows up more than once, kind of like in a loop. AND IT'S REALLY WEIRD. so, you take it from here. what kind of sex do i need to have now?? *grin*
there is a older white minivan - a chrysler town and country to be exact, but the totally boxy looking '80's one - parked facing downward on a slight hill with no other cars around. sometimes there are small children (between 1 and 4 in quantity) sometimes there are old people, sometimes it's just one or 2 "normal" people, but there's always some kind of people life in the vehicle.
this minivan is a kind of experiment or test vehicle used for training purposes for a type of entity of which i'm not sure yet. and in every dream, the van blows up - but always in a different way. it seems that the people who are in training (never the same as the people in the van) are supposed to fix the van or prevent it from blowing up or do something with regards to the van without thought to the people inside. sometimes the people inside die, sometimes, they're just severely hurt, but they're just left there.
along with all this, there is a corporatey sciency aspect to it because there is always reference to and a flash to a very clean and clinical looking office setting where muckety-mucks are sitting around a conference table analysing the explosion and casualties and how the van did this with this stimulus, etc. etc. etc.
this little vignette has shown up in my dreams for the past few nights, whether i've been dreaming about something similar or not. and sometimes the van blows up more than once, kind of like in a loop. AND IT'S REALLY WEIRD. so, you take it from here. what kind of sex do i need to have now?? *grin*
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
dear body
what is wrong with you?
yesterday, the entire contents of what i put in my mouth to eat is as follows:
- 2 eggs, chicken sausage and spinach scramble
- water (LOTS)
- hot chocolate from a "sachet" (said like "tar-jey")
- poached salmon fillet with brown rice
- 1 bana..nana...na?
- 1 small coconut water
that's not a lot of food. and i did hot yoga yesterday. and i was feeling FULL OF FOOD at hot yoga even though the last time i ate was 6.5 hours previous - to the point that it was affecting my practice. it felt like i ate only 20 minutes before the class.
and i'm STILL not hungry.
are you just so excited to have "normal" food in you again that you are taking your time processing it?
is everything ok? because this is unusual.
yesterday, the entire contents of what i put in my mouth to eat is as follows:
- 2 eggs, chicken sausage and spinach scramble
- water (LOTS)
- hot chocolate from a "sachet" (said like "tar-jey")
- poached salmon fillet with brown rice
- 1 bana..nana...na?
- 1 small coconut water
that's not a lot of food. and i did hot yoga yesterday. and i was feeling FULL OF FOOD at hot yoga even though the last time i ate was 6.5 hours previous - to the point that it was affecting my practice. it felt like i ate only 20 minutes before the class.
and i'm STILL not hungry.
are you just so excited to have "normal" food in you again that you are taking your time processing it?
is everything ok? because this is unusual.
Friday, June 25, 2010
important
i'm a little different than others.
as i was walking out of the office today, i was juggling 2 bottles of wine, 2 zombie movies, a bottle of water and a peanut butter cookie in my arms. i looked down and thought to myself:
"everything that's important in life is right here in my arms."
as i was walking out of the office today, i was juggling 2 bottles of wine, 2 zombie movies, a bottle of water and a peanut butter cookie in my arms. i looked down and thought to myself:
"everything that's important in life is right here in my arms."
Friday, June 18, 2010
i haven't been ignoring you, i sware!
it's just hard to have clear coherent thoughts when you have to be on all the time or when you don't know when your quiet time is going brutally interrupted! it's no excuse, i know, but it's what i've got.
in lieu of silent time and coherent thoughts, i've been reading. a lot. and these are a few chunks of text that have really hit me, courtesy of henry miller. i love henry miller because i know that i only want to read him when i need to. and i love that he's a constant reminder that i'm not completely off my rocker in the way i feel and think about things.
"you will soon tire of being forever mysterious. it is like standing before the mirror all day. i see you from behind the mirror. the mystery is not in what you do but in what you are. when i take you out of this morbid life you will be naked as a statue. now your beauty is all furniture. it has been moved around too much. we must put it back where it belongs - on the rubbish pile. once upon a time, i thought that everything had to be expressed poetically or musically. i did not realize that there was a place and a reason for ugly things. for me the worst was vulgarity. but vulgarity can be honest, even pleasing, as i discovered. we do not need to raise everything to the level of the stars. everything has its foundation of clay. even helen of troy. no one, not even the most beautiful of women should hide behind her own beauty."
AND
"it there is anything which deserves to be called miraculous, is it not love? what other power, what other mysterious force is there which can invest life with such undeniable splendor?
the bible is full of miracles, and they have been accepted by thinking and unthinking individuals alike. but the miracle which everyone is permitted to experience sometime in his life, the miracle which demands no intervention, no intercessor, no supreme exertion of will, the miracle which is open to the fool and the coward as well as the hero and the saint, is love. born of an instant, it lives eternally. if energy is imperishable, how much more so is love! like energy, which is still a complete enigma, love is always there, always on tap. man has never created an ounce of energy, nor did he create love. love and energy have always been, will always be. perhaps in essence they are one in the same. why not? perhaps this mysterious energy which is identified with the life of the universe, which is god in action, as someone has said, perhaps this secret, all-invasive force is but the manifestation of love. what is even more awesome to consider is that, if there be nothing in our universe which is not informed with this unseizable force, then what of love? what happens when love (seemingly) disappears? for the one is no more indestructible than the other. we know that even the deadest particle of matter is capable of yielding explosive energy. and if a corpse has life, as we know it does, so has the spirit which once made it animate. if lazarus was raised from the dead, if jesus rose from his tomb, then whole universes which now cease to exist may be revived, and doubtless will be revived, when the time is ripe. when love, in other words, conquers over wisdom."
in lieu of silent time and coherent thoughts, i've been reading. a lot. and these are a few chunks of text that have really hit me, courtesy of henry miller. i love henry miller because i know that i only want to read him when i need to. and i love that he's a constant reminder that i'm not completely off my rocker in the way i feel and think about things.
"you will soon tire of being forever mysterious. it is like standing before the mirror all day. i see you from behind the mirror. the mystery is not in what you do but in what you are. when i take you out of this morbid life you will be naked as a statue. now your beauty is all furniture. it has been moved around too much. we must put it back where it belongs - on the rubbish pile. once upon a time, i thought that everything had to be expressed poetically or musically. i did not realize that there was a place and a reason for ugly things. for me the worst was vulgarity. but vulgarity can be honest, even pleasing, as i discovered. we do not need to raise everything to the level of the stars. everything has its foundation of clay. even helen of troy. no one, not even the most beautiful of women should hide behind her own beauty."
AND
"it there is anything which deserves to be called miraculous, is it not love? what other power, what other mysterious force is there which can invest life with such undeniable splendor?
the bible is full of miracles, and they have been accepted by thinking and unthinking individuals alike. but the miracle which everyone is permitted to experience sometime in his life, the miracle which demands no intervention, no intercessor, no supreme exertion of will, the miracle which is open to the fool and the coward as well as the hero and the saint, is love. born of an instant, it lives eternally. if energy is imperishable, how much more so is love! like energy, which is still a complete enigma, love is always there, always on tap. man has never created an ounce of energy, nor did he create love. love and energy have always been, will always be. perhaps in essence they are one in the same. why not? perhaps this mysterious energy which is identified with the life of the universe, which is god in action, as someone has said, perhaps this secret, all-invasive force is but the manifestation of love. what is even more awesome to consider is that, if there be nothing in our universe which is not informed with this unseizable force, then what of love? what happens when love (seemingly) disappears? for the one is no more indestructible than the other. we know that even the deadest particle of matter is capable of yielding explosive energy. and if a corpse has life, as we know it does, so has the spirit which once made it animate. if lazarus was raised from the dead, if jesus rose from his tomb, then whole universes which now cease to exist may be revived, and doubtless will be revived, when the time is ripe. when love, in other words, conquers over wisdom."
Friday, May 28, 2010
i love...
the MJCC. a lot. and i'm trying REALLY HARD to justify the $62/mo it is for me to go there when it's only $34/mo at the 24 hour fitness for all clubs. besides having a big, clean, happy pool with an early morning master swim that i can drop in on anytime, they have:
- hair dryers in the locker room
- towel service
- toiletries that you may have forgotten are provided
- a suit spinner
- saunas, steam rooms and spas IN EACH LOCKER ROOM
- a separate 'warm water' pool for aqua aerobics (so you don't have people walking up and down your lane when you're trying to swim). oh, and they have WATER YOGA?? i have to try that one.
- drop-in martial arts classes
- BATTING CAGES: what?!?! oh yes, batting cages.
everyone there is super duper nice and it's not a meat market (well, it's a kosher meat market *grin*) with girls with the fake boobalas wearing a thick patina of makeup to work out (i never understood that) and it's just a really chill environment.
i'm pretty sure that the batting cages are going to be what tips the scales in the MJCC's favor.
- hair dryers in the locker room
- towel service
- toiletries that you may have forgotten are provided
- a suit spinner
- saunas, steam rooms and spas IN EACH LOCKER ROOM
- a separate 'warm water' pool for aqua aerobics (so you don't have people walking up and down your lane when you're trying to swim). oh, and they have WATER YOGA?? i have to try that one.
- drop-in martial arts classes
- BATTING CAGES: what?!?! oh yes, batting cages.
everyone there is super duper nice and it's not a meat market (well, it's a kosher meat market *grin*) with girls with the fake boobalas wearing a thick patina of makeup to work out (i never understood that) and it's just a really chill environment.
i'm pretty sure that the batting cages are going to be what tips the scales in the MJCC's favor.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
things i miss
bed. you know, a mattress with boxsprings.
down comforters
more than one l pillow
bath tub
private toilet
gas money
comfy couches
stove
hot meals
refrigerator
face scrub
"real" face moisturizer
books
cds
my ipod
multiple pairs of pants
variety in clothing and shoes
netflix
TCM
there's more, i'm sure, but i can't think of them right now. and please note: people aren't things. *grin*
down comforters
more than one l pillow
bath tub
private toilet
gas money
comfy couches
stove
hot meals
refrigerator
face scrub
"real" face moisturizer
books
cds
my ipod
multiple pairs of pants
variety in clothing and shoes
netflix
TCM
there's more, i'm sure, but i can't think of them right now. and please note: people aren't things. *grin*
Thursday, May 13, 2010
realization
i know what it is about josh ritter's new album that i'm lukewarm about: josh ritter made a paul simon record. it's cool yo, nothing wrong with a little paul simon, i like him as much as the next guy. but josh ritter is better than making someone else's album. that's all i'm saying.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
dear josh ritter:
i'm listening to your new album. i'm not sure how to feel about it. it's pretty mellow compared to the last one and i'm curious to see how you bring the upbeaty-ness to a live show.
while i INSTANTLY fell in love with the historical conquests... - i don't think i can adequately stress how instantly i fell for this album - this one is going to take some time i think. it's ok though, the animal years took a few listens at the right time to really grow on me and now i LOVE it.
maybe it's that the only other music i've listened to in the past 3 weeks is one ep - 8 songs - of pure rock pop awesomeness (here's my shout out to wirepony's right hook of love) and was looking forward to something more rhythm section driven and obvious like historical conquests.... this is sounding really... swirly and perhaps a touch over-produced? i don't know - something about it just isn't hitting me the right way. i think i wanted something i could jump up and bounce around to - a song or two at minimum - but i haven't found that yet upon my initial two listens. i WANT to love this instantly, i really really do. i'm so excited about it. but it's not there yet. i guess i'm lukewarm.
while i INSTANTLY fell in love with the historical conquests... - i don't think i can adequately stress how instantly i fell for this album - this one is going to take some time i think. it's ok though, the animal years took a few listens at the right time to really grow on me and now i LOVE it.
maybe it's that the only other music i've listened to in the past 3 weeks is one ep - 8 songs - of pure rock pop awesomeness (here's my shout out to wirepony's right hook of love) and was looking forward to something more rhythm section driven and obvious like historical conquests.... this is sounding really... swirly and perhaps a touch over-produced? i don't know - something about it just isn't hitting me the right way. i think i wanted something i could jump up and bounce around to - a song or two at minimum - but i haven't found that yet upon my initial two listens. i WANT to love this instantly, i really really do. i'm so excited about it. but it's not there yet. i guess i'm lukewarm.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
oregonian shameful pleasure
here it is:
the QFC. hello throwback from the seattle days!
you might say to yourself, "gee shannon, it's just a grocery store, why is it so shameful that you shop there?" my answer to that is as follows: "i don't know, maybe you can ask all these portlanders are all up on sustainability and healthy eating and healthy living but they ALL smoke. i bet they'll have an awesome answer for you!"
i'm not sure if it's hipster angst or snobbery or the beards or what, but it is totally uncool to shop at the QFC. this is evidenced by the fact that there is NEVER anyone in that store when i go in, and i've been in every hour of the day. and when QFC is mentioned, i feel like there is someone who overheard it 14 feet away that spit at the mention of the name of that store.
why do i love the QFC?
1. coconut water for ONE DOLLAR. WHAT?!
being a hot yoga-ing fool, i like the coconut water because it gets me through the class at the new torture chamber that has RADIANT HEATING IN THE FLOORS. it's not enough that it vacillates between 105 and 109 degrees in the room throughout the class, but they had to go and put heating in the floor, my one salvation. A-HOLES. the coconut water keeps me hydrated in electrolytes enough to make it through the class. anyhoo, coconut water anywhere else is $2 for the smaller portions, up to $2.39 for the "normal" sizes and to $8 for the humongo ones. $1 is a deal that i don't think i'll ever be able to beat.
2. rice dream horchata for $1.99
yes, they have my rice dream horchata - aka: liquid crack - here. everywhere else it ranges from $3.29 to $4 for the box. here, my addiction is fueled for a mere $1.99.
3. i got a weeks worth of food including said coconut water, horchata, tons of yogurt, 3 packages of healthy-ish english muffins, peanut butter and more for $23. that's right bitches. TWENTY-THREE DOLLARS.
4. it's never crowded - see reasons mentioned above.
5. it's open 24 hours.
while QFC will not be my main store of choice once i plant baby roots here and start getting around to the trader joes and the new seasons and the fred meyer (even though the fred meyer is just one step away from being the dreaded QFC - they ARE owned by the same company) and all the different co-ops here and the farmers' markets, i will always have a special place in my heart for it and the secretly corporately low prices they give me on my otherwise, admittedly, over-priced purchases.
i love you QFC. i do.
the QFC. hello throwback from the seattle days!
you might say to yourself, "gee shannon, it's just a grocery store, why is it so shameful that you shop there?" my answer to that is as follows: "i don't know, maybe you can ask all these portlanders are all up on sustainability and healthy eating and healthy living but they ALL smoke. i bet they'll have an awesome answer for you!"
i'm not sure if it's hipster angst or snobbery or the beards or what, but it is totally uncool to shop at the QFC. this is evidenced by the fact that there is NEVER anyone in that store when i go in, and i've been in every hour of the day. and when QFC is mentioned, i feel like there is someone who overheard it 14 feet away that spit at the mention of the name of that store.
why do i love the QFC?
1. coconut water for ONE DOLLAR. WHAT?!
being a hot yoga-ing fool, i like the coconut water because it gets me through the class at the new torture chamber that has RADIANT HEATING IN THE FLOORS. it's not enough that it vacillates between 105 and 109 degrees in the room throughout the class, but they had to go and put heating in the floor, my one salvation. A-HOLES. the coconut water keeps me hydrated in electrolytes enough to make it through the class. anyhoo, coconut water anywhere else is $2 for the smaller portions, up to $2.39 for the "normal" sizes and to $8 for the humongo ones. $1 is a deal that i don't think i'll ever be able to beat.
2. rice dream horchata for $1.99
yes, they have my rice dream horchata - aka: liquid crack - here. everywhere else it ranges from $3.29 to $4 for the box. here, my addiction is fueled for a mere $1.99.
3. i got a weeks worth of food including said coconut water, horchata, tons of yogurt, 3 packages of healthy-ish english muffins, peanut butter and more for $23. that's right bitches. TWENTY-THREE DOLLARS.
4. it's never crowded - see reasons mentioned above.
5. it's open 24 hours.
while QFC will not be my main store of choice once i plant baby roots here and start getting around to the trader joes and the new seasons and the fred meyer (even though the fred meyer is just one step away from being the dreaded QFC - they ARE owned by the same company) and all the different co-ops here and the farmers' markets, i will always have a special place in my heart for it and the secretly corporately low prices they give me on my otherwise, admittedly, over-priced purchases.
i love you QFC. i do.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
safari II
observation log 10.04.14:
0710am: dmbc and i observed specimen from 10.04.05 again today after nine days of speculation. it came up behind us this morning and we were able to get a better and closer look at his conformation. contrary to previous estimates, subject seems to be merely 17 hands high rather than 18. subject in action is lithe, calm and self-assured.
unfortunately, subject drives a minivan. EPIC FAIL!
0710am: dmbc and i observed specimen from 10.04.05 again today after nine days of speculation. it came up behind us this morning and we were able to get a better and closer look at his conformation. contrary to previous estimates, subject seems to be merely 17 hands high rather than 18. subject in action is lithe, calm and self-assured.
unfortunately, subject drives a minivan. EPIC FAIL!
Thursday, April 8, 2010
observation
two people are sitting at the coffee shop having a very civilized and almost dignified sounding conversation. one party asks why the cupcakes here are better than what they can make at home. the other party says something about consistency and texture.
now, when I answer that same question in my head, i have a completely dead-pan face and say, "drugs."
herein lies the reason i don't talk to a lot of new people.
now, when I answer that same question in my head, i have a completely dead-pan face and say, "drugs."
herein lies the reason i don't talk to a lot of new people.
Monday, April 5, 2010
safari
observation log 10.04.05
0645: dmbc and i gathered at the swimming hole where we beheld a rare and mysterious creature. a creature of a species that i have not lain eyes on in the more than 30 days i've been in this environment.
the subject was male. it's conformation was stunning - measuring an estimated 18 hands high, healthy muscle tone, average to generous and unaltered hair growth patterns on both the head and body, strikingly angular facial features and piercing eyes. the subject's paler complexion denotes non-nativeness to this area.
what makes this subject particularly rare is its age – over the age of a university student and under the age of the typical retired person – and its seeming lack of attachment to a mate. admittedly, the second observation is a grand assumption on the observer's part, to be confirmed upon verbal verification, due to the lack of a ring on the appointed finger. observer has learned its lesson in relying on this as a sign of bond – this has tricked me before.
the subject seemed aware of the scarcity of its kind, and seemed to revel in it slightly, trading brief glances with the observer.
will update log with further sightings and/or results of verbal communication.
seriously, this is the first (seemingly) single male i've seen in my “age range” in more than 40 days. where i'm at, the majority of the populous is retirees, couples and families mixed in with the occasional university student. it truly was a shock and surprise to see something like that. especially because he was pretty effin' hot.
the cherry on top? Not a speedo wearer. sweet.
0645: dmbc and i gathered at the swimming hole where we beheld a rare and mysterious creature. a creature of a species that i have not lain eyes on in the more than 30 days i've been in this environment.
the subject was male. it's conformation was stunning - measuring an estimated 18 hands high, healthy muscle tone, average to generous and unaltered hair growth patterns on both the head and body, strikingly angular facial features and piercing eyes. the subject's paler complexion denotes non-nativeness to this area.
what makes this subject particularly rare is its age – over the age of a university student and under the age of the typical retired person – and its seeming lack of attachment to a mate. admittedly, the second observation is a grand assumption on the observer's part, to be confirmed upon verbal verification, due to the lack of a ring on the appointed finger. observer has learned its lesson in relying on this as a sign of bond – this has tricked me before.
the subject seemed aware of the scarcity of its kind, and seemed to revel in it slightly, trading brief glances with the observer.
will update log with further sightings and/or results of verbal communication.
seriously, this is the first (seemingly) single male i've seen in my “age range” in more than 40 days. where i'm at, the majority of the populous is retirees, couples and families mixed in with the occasional university student. it truly was a shock and surprise to see something like that. especially because he was pretty effin' hot.
the cherry on top? Not a speedo wearer. sweet.
Friday, April 2, 2010
be warned - the following is a long, steaming, heaping pile of...
awesome.
please note: this isn't my ideal means of reconnection or communication of this topic, but geography and money and all those general life circumstances keep me from having the face-to-face conversations on an individual basis that i would prefer to have regarding this situation. unfortunately, this is the most convenient means of communicating what i want and need to get out here.
here's the short version of what's been going down for those of you with tiny attention spans: the last 4 months of 2009 were – well - to be honest, using the phrase “absolute shit” to describe them would be a delightfully buoyant understatement. to be wholly truthful, the last half of 2008 through to the end of 2009 was pretty lame and stupid, but it had it's bright spots. But those last few months of '09 definitely sucked dirty monkey balls. it all got to a point where i just didn't want to deal with any of it anymore, and since i'm too lazy and curious about outcomes to concoct some lame and useless attempt on my life, i decided to do what i do best and run away from it all. i sold literally everything i own bar the few items that would fit into a backpack the size of a carry-on bag and bought a one-way ticket to europe. i wandered around northern europe for a few months during the coldest winter in the past decade – smart, i know - until my money got dangerously low; low enough for only a plane ticket back to the states where i knew i could get a job and earn money. So i came back and realized how crazy i really went (completely and totally batshit crazy to be exact) and now i'm in crazy rehab. details for the stout of span below.
let's start at the beginning, shall we? end of 2009 sucked. super duper bad. we don't need to go into those details. we're just going to leave it at “it sucked and then i cried” (hello dooce reference) and go into the things that i did at that time in the midst of the crazy i was in that i didn't know i was in. it has been established that i ran away from it all, but it was much more than that. in order to run away this time, i tried to completely erase all parts of my “former” self and start a new self to see what would happen. i changed my name. legally. i have whole new identification and passports and addresses and everything. i got rid of my phone and phone number. i no longer answer email at the address that everyone had for me. i sent 2 letters out at this time - one to my parents telling them that they sucked, why they sucked and that they should fuck off because i'm removing myself from their lives (admittedly, the sole smart thing I did throughout this whole process) and the other to someone who didn't deserve to bear the weight of what i sent to her and who had so many other, more important things going on in her life, essentially telling her and anyone that she or i knew, that i'm removing myself from her life, from everyone's lives because mine sucks. that one i'm truly and deeply sorry and regretful for. i SERIOUSLY lost my grip on reality, but it all seemed so sane at the time - i didn't want to know anyone because i didn't want anyone to know me and how much of a fuck up I felt like at the time. while i was in europe, i realized and – finally – truly understood what troy told me all those years ago as we were driving back from a hotel cafe show and what they tell you all the time in AA – wherever you go, there you are. and when i realized that, i said, “DAMMIT” in that whiny, “oh, crap” kind of way. so, say it while you can troy lee wells, you certainly did tell me so.
before we delve further into the crazy, I am going to take this moment to reflect on europe/travels:
ireland:
- the dudes there are everything that everyone says they are. AWESOME and the epitome of dudeness and they fully embrace and appreciate it and could give a fuck less about what anyone else thinks of it
- the food there sucks. totally sucks. it's no wonder they all drink so much
- bulmers is far too delicious and lovely to not be in the states
- i saw a little green and a little rolling under all the white snow and it was very pretty
- you have magical animals that i've not seen anywhere else
- cork is my favorite city of yours. galway might have been if it weren't so cold that it bit my face off
- i met more french people in ireland than i did in france. discuss
france:
- paris, -i liked you a whole hell of a lot more than i thought i would. A LOT
- parisians, you are not as asshole-y as the rest of the world makes you out to be. you just like things the way that they are and aren't too into change - there's nothing wrong with that
- shakespeare's: it took you to show me that i really am a romantic. maybe not in the traditional sense of romanticism, but i'll take any sense i can get
- the food here is perfection. the air smells like fresh baked bread and i wanted to take large gulping bites of it
- you had a lot more green than ireland did
- you like lady gaga. a lot. somehow, this doesn't surprise me. i managed to last the year and a half or so of her american blitz on media and radio without setting eye or ear on her, but i just couldn't avoid her there
- thank you for being the only country i went to where it didn't snow continuously
belguim:
- you're weirdly funny and sterile all at the same time. i'm not sure what to make of you
- when i was in brussels and ordered sprouts (only), brussels sprouts are the ones that came out
- please make a decision on what language you speak. do you speak french, dutch or flemish? it is very confusing for me
- your waffles aren't any better than the ones i've had elsewhere. and, contrary to popular demand, neither are your fries. Sorry
netherlands:
- you have very tall people. i finally found a place where i can wear heels and not feel like i'm towering over everyone
- your pot is STRONG and delicious
- most of your “bars” only have one or 2 types of beer and it's usually light. what's up with that??
- your people are VERY logical, almost robotic-ly so. it makes their art and their view on art kinda funny
- maastricht's carnival is awesome. maastricht's dialect is not so awesome because I don't speak it
- the girls i met there were very nice and i totally wore out my welcome
- you are the only country i went into a mcdonalds in. and it was only for the stropewaffel mcflurry – totally worth it
- one of your jealous girlfriends left me with a scar
- when an american sees jon dee graham in your country, he will make that american homesick. really really homesick
ireland (again):
- man, your dudes really are awesome. you should bottle whatever it is they have and sell it (i know now it's NOT jameson)
mexico:
- you have obscenely beautiful sunsets in juarez
- thank you for finally not making me feel like i'm prey whenever i walk into your country
- your food is AMAZINGLY DELICIOUS. i'm seriously wondering what the taco bell people were eating, or what crack they were on, when they got the idea for marketing gorditas because they are NOTHING like real gorditas
- i like your colorfulness
- i like your nonplussed-ness about the cops in riot gear in every corner
- you think i'm a funny gringa for not being scared about being there and not speaking a lick of spanish. ha!
- your coca-cola is significantly yummier than the stuff in the states. i won't ever have american coke again
back from europe and to the crazy:
i got back onto american soil and i thought i had a plan laid out. i was going to go to this town and start my life there and this is how my life was going to be, etc. etc. etc. and it most definitely did not work out that way. i ended up getting even further into the depression that i was already in and nothing seemed right or clear. at that time, i was offered a chance to go to crazy rehab, so i jumped on it.
the first thing i did when i got to crazy rehab was realize that when i went crazy (some people would soften it by calling it a "mid-life crisis" but i like to call a spade a spade), i did some things that were stupid and silly and drastic, but i don't and won't regret (all but one of) the things i did, because they were all the things i needed to do to get to crazy rehab, which is a pretty good place for me right now. and it is most definitely not the place i thought i would end up at this point.
in crazy rehab, i found that it's a rather evident pattern in my life for me to "go 'round my fist to get to my thumb" to use a cute, often under-appreciated southern expression. it means that i take the scenic route to the places in my life that i need to be - places that are usually right there in front of me. i kind of like that about me.
in crazy rehab, i have chores so i can develop self-discipline (of which I have none, but you all knew that): i go to yoga in the morning, i sweep the entire house everyday, i do the dishes after every meal and i read.
i'm VERY surprised about how quickly the days pass with the seemingly little i have to do. i'm also surprised that i haven't gotten bored yet. a few days after i got here, we discussed a 21-day plan to exorcise the crazy or at least get me to learn to live with and accept it and how to work with it in my everyday life. thus far, it's very interesting to see the progress - some days are wonderful and the crazy is controlled or satiated. some days, the crazy is back in full force. that's when i start to hyperventilate. those latter days are coming less and less, which is how i'm tracking my progress.
in crazy rehab, i've found that being crazy is similar to being an alcoholic – in AA they tell you that you're never “cured” of alcoholism, you'll always be an alcoholic learning to live each day without a drink because every day is different and will present you with different challenges. crazy is the same way. there is no cure for crazy, and i've learned that i will always be crazy, but here i'm getting the tools i need to embrace and appreciate and accept the crazy so that i can learn to live with it in my everyday life in a more constructive way than i have in the past. that's kind of comforting to tell you the truth - it's one less thing i have to worry about changing of fixing.
in crazy rehab, i realized the extent to which i went crazy and i also realized that i can, and need to, undo some of the things that i did, if possible. i'm changing my name back – it was weird for me to answer to that other name anyway. i need to do that to show that i'm willing to accept and love the crazy that i've had my whole life.
i'm not going back to austin right now. i knew in april of last year that my time in austin was coming to a close for now. i'm not saying i won't ever go back because i LOVE that place so freaking much, but it's not the place for me right now.
i want to bring the people back into my life that i left, if they'll have me. i know that i was an asshole for doing the things that i did and in the way that i did them and that i'll never know what that did to some people and i'm ready to accept if they aren't ready to let me back into their lives - those are the consequences to be paid. but i would be forever humbled and grateful for the forgiveness and understanding of those who would invite me back into their lives.
today, i turn 30. today, i've been at crazy rehab for 30 days (yeah... the crazy was re-evaluated and we realized that 21 days wasn't enough). on days like this - with this pattern - i would usually find a 30 oz. hamburger with 30 sauteed mushrooms and 30 squirts/dots of mustard and a bun with 30 sesame seeds on it and eat it with gusto and vomit most of it up 30 minutes later. but, of course, today is good friday and, being the intermittent and mediocre former catholic that i am, i don't eat meat today (thanks jesus), so i will instead have 30 nonpariels that have only 30 sprinkles on them and eat them all within 30 seconds so that i'm sick to my stomach for at least the following 30 minutes. or maybe i'll have 30 cupcakes. or 30 lattes. or 30 hot do... dangit jesus! definitely something with food and 30.
so, to sum up: i had a shit year and a half (it was in the coming, really), i ran away and went crazy crazy (and i have a scar on my face to prove it!), i am at crazy rehab and getting prepared to undo some of the weird things i did to prepare for my going crazy.
i feel like i should provide a coupon for a cupcake or an ice cream as a reward for making it to the end of this... whatever it is. instead i give you this laurel and hearty handshake.
questions? comments? concerns?
please note: this isn't my ideal means of reconnection or communication of this topic, but geography and money and all those general life circumstances keep me from having the face-to-face conversations on an individual basis that i would prefer to have regarding this situation. unfortunately, this is the most convenient means of communicating what i want and need to get out here.
here's the short version of what's been going down for those of you with tiny attention spans: the last 4 months of 2009 were – well - to be honest, using the phrase “absolute shit” to describe them would be a delightfully buoyant understatement. to be wholly truthful, the last half of 2008 through to the end of 2009 was pretty lame and stupid, but it had it's bright spots. But those last few months of '09 definitely sucked dirty monkey balls. it all got to a point where i just didn't want to deal with any of it anymore, and since i'm too lazy and curious about outcomes to concoct some lame and useless attempt on my life, i decided to do what i do best and run away from it all. i sold literally everything i own bar the few items that would fit into a backpack the size of a carry-on bag and bought a one-way ticket to europe. i wandered around northern europe for a few months during the coldest winter in the past decade – smart, i know - until my money got dangerously low; low enough for only a plane ticket back to the states where i knew i could get a job and earn money. So i came back and realized how crazy i really went (completely and totally batshit crazy to be exact) and now i'm in crazy rehab. details for the stout of span below.
let's start at the beginning, shall we? end of 2009 sucked. super duper bad. we don't need to go into those details. we're just going to leave it at “it sucked and then i cried” (hello dooce reference) and go into the things that i did at that time in the midst of the crazy i was in that i didn't know i was in. it has been established that i ran away from it all, but it was much more than that. in order to run away this time, i tried to completely erase all parts of my “former” self and start a new self to see what would happen. i changed my name. legally. i have whole new identification and passports and addresses and everything. i got rid of my phone and phone number. i no longer answer email at the address that everyone had for me. i sent 2 letters out at this time - one to my parents telling them that they sucked, why they sucked and that they should fuck off because i'm removing myself from their lives (admittedly, the sole smart thing I did throughout this whole process) and the other to someone who didn't deserve to bear the weight of what i sent to her and who had so many other, more important things going on in her life, essentially telling her and anyone that she or i knew, that i'm removing myself from her life, from everyone's lives because mine sucks. that one i'm truly and deeply sorry and regretful for. i SERIOUSLY lost my grip on reality, but it all seemed so sane at the time - i didn't want to know anyone because i didn't want anyone to know me and how much of a fuck up I felt like at the time. while i was in europe, i realized and – finally – truly understood what troy told me all those years ago as we were driving back from a hotel cafe show and what they tell you all the time in AA – wherever you go, there you are. and when i realized that, i said, “DAMMIT” in that whiny, “oh, crap” kind of way. so, say it while you can troy lee wells, you certainly did tell me so.
before we delve further into the crazy, I am going to take this moment to reflect on europe/travels:
ireland:
- the dudes there are everything that everyone says they are. AWESOME and the epitome of dudeness and they fully embrace and appreciate it and could give a fuck less about what anyone else thinks of it
- the food there sucks. totally sucks. it's no wonder they all drink so much
- bulmers is far too delicious and lovely to not be in the states
- i saw a little green and a little rolling under all the white snow and it was very pretty
- you have magical animals that i've not seen anywhere else
- cork is my favorite city of yours. galway might have been if it weren't so cold that it bit my face off
- i met more french people in ireland than i did in france. discuss
france:
- paris, -i liked you a whole hell of a lot more than i thought i would. A LOT
- parisians, you are not as asshole-y as the rest of the world makes you out to be. you just like things the way that they are and aren't too into change - there's nothing wrong with that
- shakespeare's: it took you to show me that i really am a romantic. maybe not in the traditional sense of romanticism, but i'll take any sense i can get
- the food here is perfection. the air smells like fresh baked bread and i wanted to take large gulping bites of it
- you had a lot more green than ireland did
- you like lady gaga. a lot. somehow, this doesn't surprise me. i managed to last the year and a half or so of her american blitz on media and radio without setting eye or ear on her, but i just couldn't avoid her there
- thank you for being the only country i went to where it didn't snow continuously
belguim:
- you're weirdly funny and sterile all at the same time. i'm not sure what to make of you
- when i was in brussels and ordered sprouts (only), brussels sprouts are the ones that came out
- please make a decision on what language you speak. do you speak french, dutch or flemish? it is very confusing for me
- your waffles aren't any better than the ones i've had elsewhere. and, contrary to popular demand, neither are your fries. Sorry
netherlands:
- you have very tall people. i finally found a place where i can wear heels and not feel like i'm towering over everyone
- your pot is STRONG and delicious
- most of your “bars” only have one or 2 types of beer and it's usually light. what's up with that??
- your people are VERY logical, almost robotic-ly so. it makes their art and their view on art kinda funny
- maastricht's carnival is awesome. maastricht's dialect is not so awesome because I don't speak it
- the girls i met there were very nice and i totally wore out my welcome
- you are the only country i went into a mcdonalds in. and it was only for the stropewaffel mcflurry – totally worth it
- one of your jealous girlfriends left me with a scar
- when an american sees jon dee graham in your country, he will make that american homesick. really really homesick
ireland (again):
- man, your dudes really are awesome. you should bottle whatever it is they have and sell it (i know now it's NOT jameson)
mexico:
- you have obscenely beautiful sunsets in juarez
- thank you for finally not making me feel like i'm prey whenever i walk into your country
- your food is AMAZINGLY DELICIOUS. i'm seriously wondering what the taco bell people were eating, or what crack they were on, when they got the idea for marketing gorditas because they are NOTHING like real gorditas
- i like your colorfulness
- i like your nonplussed-ness about the cops in riot gear in every corner
- you think i'm a funny gringa for not being scared about being there and not speaking a lick of spanish. ha!
- your coca-cola is significantly yummier than the stuff in the states. i won't ever have american coke again
back from europe and to the crazy:
i got back onto american soil and i thought i had a plan laid out. i was going to go to this town and start my life there and this is how my life was going to be, etc. etc. etc. and it most definitely did not work out that way. i ended up getting even further into the depression that i was already in and nothing seemed right or clear. at that time, i was offered a chance to go to crazy rehab, so i jumped on it.
the first thing i did when i got to crazy rehab was realize that when i went crazy (some people would soften it by calling it a "mid-life crisis" but i like to call a spade a spade), i did some things that were stupid and silly and drastic, but i don't and won't regret (all but one of) the things i did, because they were all the things i needed to do to get to crazy rehab, which is a pretty good place for me right now. and it is most definitely not the place i thought i would end up at this point.
in crazy rehab, i found that it's a rather evident pattern in my life for me to "go 'round my fist to get to my thumb" to use a cute, often under-appreciated southern expression. it means that i take the scenic route to the places in my life that i need to be - places that are usually right there in front of me. i kind of like that about me.
in crazy rehab, i have chores so i can develop self-discipline (of which I have none, but you all knew that): i go to yoga in the morning, i sweep the entire house everyday, i do the dishes after every meal and i read.
i'm VERY surprised about how quickly the days pass with the seemingly little i have to do. i'm also surprised that i haven't gotten bored yet. a few days after i got here, we discussed a 21-day plan to exorcise the crazy or at least get me to learn to live with and accept it and how to work with it in my everyday life. thus far, it's very interesting to see the progress - some days are wonderful and the crazy is controlled or satiated. some days, the crazy is back in full force. that's when i start to hyperventilate. those latter days are coming less and less, which is how i'm tracking my progress.
in crazy rehab, i've found that being crazy is similar to being an alcoholic – in AA they tell you that you're never “cured” of alcoholism, you'll always be an alcoholic learning to live each day without a drink because every day is different and will present you with different challenges. crazy is the same way. there is no cure for crazy, and i've learned that i will always be crazy, but here i'm getting the tools i need to embrace and appreciate and accept the crazy so that i can learn to live with it in my everyday life in a more constructive way than i have in the past. that's kind of comforting to tell you the truth - it's one less thing i have to worry about changing of fixing.
in crazy rehab, i realized the extent to which i went crazy and i also realized that i can, and need to, undo some of the things that i did, if possible. i'm changing my name back – it was weird for me to answer to that other name anyway. i need to do that to show that i'm willing to accept and love the crazy that i've had my whole life.
i'm not going back to austin right now. i knew in april of last year that my time in austin was coming to a close for now. i'm not saying i won't ever go back because i LOVE that place so freaking much, but it's not the place for me right now.
i want to bring the people back into my life that i left, if they'll have me. i know that i was an asshole for doing the things that i did and in the way that i did them and that i'll never know what that did to some people and i'm ready to accept if they aren't ready to let me back into their lives - those are the consequences to be paid. but i would be forever humbled and grateful for the forgiveness and understanding of those who would invite me back into their lives.
today, i turn 30. today, i've been at crazy rehab for 30 days (yeah... the crazy was re-evaluated and we realized that 21 days wasn't enough). on days like this - with this pattern - i would usually find a 30 oz. hamburger with 30 sauteed mushrooms and 30 squirts/dots of mustard and a bun with 30 sesame seeds on it and eat it with gusto and vomit most of it up 30 minutes later. but, of course, today is good friday and, being the intermittent and mediocre former catholic that i am, i don't eat meat today (thanks jesus), so i will instead have 30 nonpariels that have only 30 sprinkles on them and eat them all within 30 seconds so that i'm sick to my stomach for at least the following 30 minutes. or maybe i'll have 30 cupcakes. or 30 lattes. or 30 hot do... dangit jesus! definitely something with food and 30.
so, to sum up: i had a shit year and a half (it was in the coming, really), i ran away and went crazy crazy (and i have a scar on my face to prove it!), i am at crazy rehab and getting prepared to undo some of the weird things i did to prepare for my going crazy.
i feel like i should provide a coupon for a cupcake or an ice cream as a reward for making it to the end of this... whatever it is. instead i give you this laurel and hearty handshake.
questions? comments? concerns?
Thursday, December 24, 2009
"actors/acting"
i know that i bash on the actors and actresses that i don't like mainly becuase they play the same person in every movie and that person is usually themselves. tom cruise is my favorite example. that dude plays an asshole in every movie he's in and something tells me he's probably an asshole in real life.
tonight, i saw "up in the air" with george clooney. george clooney is another one of those actors that plays the same guy in every movie - this film is no exception - so i was compelled to think of why it is that george has not incurred my actor wrath. i don't feel one way or another about him, i've seen some of his films, i still remember him fondly from "facts of life" and what not, but i don't have a strong yen for him in a positive or negative way.
in my comtemplation, i realized that i'm ok with george clooney playing the same dude in every movie - playing himself in every movie - because he's NOT an asshole. he's totally honest about who he is as a person and as an actor and in how he lives his life and he doesn't try to be anything else (seemingly). and something tells me that he's probably a pretty rad fella in real life. thus, he's ok in my book with playing the same role in every film he's in.
"up in the air" - very good movie. it just reiterates what we all already know anyway, but against an applicable to today's issues backdrop and in a nice way.
that's all i wanted to say about that.
ps - the shepherds pie at the alamo is GOOD. and they give you a lot of it.
tonight, i saw "up in the air" with george clooney. george clooney is another one of those actors that plays the same guy in every movie - this film is no exception - so i was compelled to think of why it is that george has not incurred my actor wrath. i don't feel one way or another about him, i've seen some of his films, i still remember him fondly from "facts of life" and what not, but i don't have a strong yen for him in a positive or negative way.
in my comtemplation, i realized that i'm ok with george clooney playing the same dude in every movie - playing himself in every movie - because he's NOT an asshole. he's totally honest about who he is as a person and as an actor and in how he lives his life and he doesn't try to be anything else (seemingly). and something tells me that he's probably a pretty rad fella in real life. thus, he's ok in my book with playing the same role in every film he's in.
"up in the air" - very good movie. it just reiterates what we all already know anyway, but against an applicable to today's issues backdrop and in a nice way.
that's all i wanted to say about that.
ps - the shepherds pie at the alamo is GOOD. and they give you a lot of it.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
seriously??
of all the assholes i work for, one of them, for christmas, brings me a gift that truly shows me that she don't know me at all:
a white leopard-print scarf
what? should i say that again to make sure you caught that?
a
WHITE
LEOPARD-PRINT
SCARF.
i don't think i need to expound any further on this.
a white leopard-print scarf
what? should i say that again to make sure you caught that?
a
WHITE
LEOPARD-PRINT
SCARF.
i don't think i need to expound any further on this.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
finding the hilarity at work
because there's really nothing fun or funny about what i do.
so, i had to verify employment for a borrower who works for the texas beef council (because texas NEEDS a beef council) and their hold music is their radio commercials. as i'm waiting for someone to answer my call, i hear willie nelson pushing beef. or i hear kris kristofferson pushing beef. or, the funniest one of all, hearing george w. pushing beef, like it was your patriotic duty to eat beef.
ah, meat. it's what's for dinner.
so, i had to verify employment for a borrower who works for the texas beef council (because texas NEEDS a beef council) and their hold music is their radio commercials. as i'm waiting for someone to answer my call, i hear willie nelson pushing beef. or i hear kris kristofferson pushing beef. or, the funniest one of all, hearing george w. pushing beef, like it was your patriotic duty to eat beef.
ah, meat. it's what's for dinner.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
question
should i be surprised that i made more cash selling my books and cds than i did selling every other saleable thing i own (bar my car)?
Thursday, December 17, 2009
dear tall 'n' cute newish checker at the hipster mart:
i see you totally light up when i walk in for my nightly pomegranate sweet leaf green tea. you are REALLY good at flirting with me and have pretty twinkly blue eyes. i see you hastily ring through the 3 people in front of me in the checkout line so you can flirt with me some more and then continue to talk to me as i walk through the door to leave. it's all very sweet.
i wonder if your extreme height - seriously, how tall ARE you?? - makes you less... nonchalant? blase? dispassionate?... than the other hipsters at the hipster mart.
too bad you didn't start flirting with me before. we should make-out sometime.
sweet leaf and jose ole!
pixy
i wonder if your extreme height - seriously, how tall ARE you?? - makes you less... nonchalant? blase? dispassionate?... than the other hipsters at the hipster mart.
too bad you didn't start flirting with me before. we should make-out sometime.
sweet leaf and jose ole!
pixy
thinking
i don't think anyone will ever be able to give me an acceptable and satisfactory explanation as to why jon dee graham isn't one of the biggest things out there. that dude is SO FUCKING amazing at what he does.
people are idiots.
people are idiots.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
list musings
item completed: barbecue in lockhart, tx.
dealer of choice: black's barbecue
black's was a recommendation from a native born texan who got all kinds of excited that i wanted to go have barbecue in lockhart, the capital of barbecue in the state of barbecue - texas. and, let me just say, THEY WERE RIGHT.
lockhart is about 35 miles south and a teensy bit west of austin on state highways. lots of nothing exists between austin and lockhart. except billboards. about barbecue. just before you hit the lockhart "city" limit, there are about 14 billboards for black's barbecue ALONE which indicated to me that this is probably going to be some huge hall o' barbecue. i got into town, turned right at the yellow arrow and turned right again at the THREE other yellow arrows and on the corner stood this little storefront on the end of a row of town buildings.
you enter and walk inside a narrow corridor to another door which leads you to the food. before you walk in the 2nd door, there's a hand-written poster explaining how things work here at black's. because barbecue needs explaining. as you enter an even narrower aisle, you become surrounded by food. sides of green beans, potatoes 3 ways, macaroni salad, beans 2 ways, mac and cheese, rolls - you name the side, they've got it. you help yourself and then you're eventually pushed along to the meat. the delicious, loverly meat. you can get a meat sammich. you can get ribs, turkey, chicken, brisket... or brisket... or, how about some BRISKET? because what else do you go to barbecue for in texas? my mouth is watering as the super friendly meat cutter asks me what i've got a hankerin' for and i say "surprise me, but cut some of the fat off that brisket first." and they do. without giving the newbie a mean face. i pay, i get a drink and i sit down at the 1 long row of tables in the middle of the very small room. it's MAYBE 1000 sq. ft. total, including where you get in line with your food. i grab some sauce and i go to town.
this meat is the most tender, juicy, delicious meat i've ever put in my mouth. you read that right jim's cheesesteak! and that one kaw... uhm... yeah, better than all of you! and the sauce... the sauce is PERFECT. too many barbecue places make their sauces spicy for "kick" but i've only found that to be a deterrent from the taste of the whole meal. the spice overwhelms and you can't taste anything else - what's the point? not this sauce. this sauce is smoky with a hint of sweet. so. much. smoke. i want to eat that sauce on everything - meat, waffles, cereal, pickles, ANYTHING. and it compliments the meat so well. i can't even talk about it anymore.
so, to sum up: black's is the barbecue place to go in lockhart. small, extremely friendly staff, rad atmosphere and incredible barbecue. i smelled like smoky delicious barbecue for hours afterward. i wanted to eat me.
delicious and nutritious.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
why?
on tuesday night, i didn't feel like cooking and had a hankering for cookies and hummus - not together. i went to the hipster mart, picked up some cookie dough and wheat thins and hummus and gorged myself.
man, did i feel like SHIT after that!
i went to sleep and woke up still feeling like crap and and the opposite of hungry. as a matter of fact, i would have been ok if i'd never eaten again... for that day at least. so,i decided to do a water-only fast. i did a SHIT TON of research on it yesterday and, apparently, gorging oneself on cookies and wheat thins and hummus and peanut m&ms and chai lattes the day before said fast is NOT the way to prepare for a water only fast. YOU COULD HAVE FOOLED ME.
i was fine with this venture - even thinking of doing it for an extended period of time - there are people out there who do 40 day water fasts! WHAT?! i tossed out all the rest of the cookies, the hummus, the remaining few wheat thins and anything in my fridge that could go bad. i was inspired and energized by this new challange. that was... until about 6pm. then my gums and teeth started aching like no body's business and that make my head want to explode. so, i watched "cabaret". because what else do you do when you want nothing more than to chop your own head off and throw it in the lake? at the end of "cabaret" my head and teeth did not feel any better. so i read for about 90 minutes and then went to sleep.
i woke up feeling EVEN SHITTIER (nausea - yick) but not hungry (surprisingly) so i had some water and went to the HEB to get some superfoods juice and food since i tossed out all my food the day before. it took all i had not to throw up in that grocery store. i got home, drank some of the juicy juice, threw up a little and still felt like crap. then i went and did what made me feel better, but no one likes to hear about, so i'll just let your imagination take you where you'd like with that one. but now i feel AWESOME!
my water-only fast lasted only 1 day. but i realized a few things along the way. 1: i've gotten lazy with my eating and food preparation. 2: i'm going to do a 1 day fast per week - i think it's going to motivate me to eat better during the week so i don't feel so shitty on that day that i do fast. 3: i will eventually do a 30 or 40 day water only fast, just to see what's up, you know?
so, i went without food for 36 hours and that's that.
why did i do it? because i felt like shit one day because of eating and i didn't want to feel like shit anymore. it'll stay in my mind as something to try just so i know that i'm able to do it. :)
man, did i feel like SHIT after that!
i went to sleep and woke up still feeling like crap and and the opposite of hungry. as a matter of fact, i would have been ok if i'd never eaten again... for that day at least. so,i decided to do a water-only fast. i did a SHIT TON of research on it yesterday and, apparently, gorging oneself on cookies and wheat thins and hummus and peanut m&ms and chai lattes the day before said fast is NOT the way to prepare for a water only fast. YOU COULD HAVE FOOLED ME.
i was fine with this venture - even thinking of doing it for an extended period of time - there are people out there who do 40 day water fasts! WHAT?! i tossed out all the rest of the cookies, the hummus, the remaining few wheat thins and anything in my fridge that could go bad. i was inspired and energized by this new challange. that was... until about 6pm. then my gums and teeth started aching like no body's business and that make my head want to explode. so, i watched "cabaret". because what else do you do when you want nothing more than to chop your own head off and throw it in the lake? at the end of "cabaret" my head and teeth did not feel any better. so i read for about 90 minutes and then went to sleep.
i woke up feeling EVEN SHITTIER (nausea - yick) but not hungry (surprisingly) so i had some water and went to the HEB to get some superfoods juice and food since i tossed out all my food the day before. it took all i had not to throw up in that grocery store. i got home, drank some of the juicy juice, threw up a little and still felt like crap. then i went and did what made me feel better, but no one likes to hear about, so i'll just let your imagination take you where you'd like with that one. but now i feel AWESOME!
my water-only fast lasted only 1 day. but i realized a few things along the way. 1: i've gotten lazy with my eating and food preparation. 2: i'm going to do a 1 day fast per week - i think it's going to motivate me to eat better during the week so i don't feel so shitty on that day that i do fast. 3: i will eventually do a 30 or 40 day water only fast, just to see what's up, you know?
so, i went without food for 36 hours and that's that.
why did i do it? because i felt like shit one day because of eating and i didn't want to feel like shit anymore. it'll stay in my mind as something to try just so i know that i'm able to do it. :)
Monday, November 23, 2009
i'm such a geek
for the red-headed boys.
david wenham is seriously fucking adorable and i wan to do very very bad things with him. and he was just in my bed, via netflix online, as a seriously brainy and tricky fractal geometry genius. all the terminology... i just can't control myself. it's like having scientists talk all sciency to me.
RAWR.
david wenham is seriously fucking adorable and i wan to do very very bad things with him. and he was just in my bed, via netflix online, as a seriously brainy and tricky fractal geometry genius. all the terminology... i just can't control myself. it's like having scientists talk all sciency to me.
RAWR.
observation
i use "weird" FAR too much in my posts.
i'm going to make a concerted effort to reduce the amount of "weird".
i'm going to make a concerted effort to reduce the amount of "weird".
Friday, November 13, 2009
running list
for the month-long good-bye i've got to say to austin:
- a wednesday night at flips with mte and southpaw
- a sunday night at the saxon with what's left of "the resentments" - completed 11/22
- a wednesday night at the continental with jon dee and james mcmurtry
- a thursday night at lucky lounge with ian maclagan
- a wednesday night at the broken spoke with dale watson
- a movie or 40 at the alamo
- sangria margaritas at el chile
- deluxe chicken enchiladas with deluxe tomatillo sauce at chuy's
- rudy's bbq
- a trip to lockhart for bbq - completed 11/28
- lots of amy's ice cream
- homeslice - i might fit that in with the wednesday night at the continental
- a burger and a game at the tavern
- take a bath in sweet leaf pomegranate green tea
- a michael jackson cupcake
- an "art fair" weekend in gruene
- a show at gruene hall - maybe reckless kelly
- more...
**more - so much music going on in the next month and a half!:
- continental club:
- 11/19 - ian moore
- 12/1 - david garza
- 12/3 - chili cold blood
- 12/7 - beginning of "crybear" residency at the gallery (free) and crybear is david garza
- all of december - alejandro escovedo tuesday night residency
- other:
- 11/18 - kevin devine @ emos
- 11/24 - neko case @ antones
- 12/4 & 5 - the mother hips @ emos
WHAT?!
i'm sure i'll be adding to this list as time goes on...
i can't believe i almost forgot - a hey cupcake! cupcake. probably a michael jackson. how do you write a drool sound?
- a thursday night at lucky lounge with ian maclagan
- a wednesday night at the broken spoke with dale watson
- a movie or 40 at the alamo
- sangria margaritas at el chile
- deluxe chicken enchiladas with deluxe tomatillo sauce at chuy's
- lots of amy's ice cream
- homeslice - i might fit that in with the wednesday night at the continental
- a burger and a game at the tavern
- take a bath in sweet leaf pomegranate green tea
- a michael jackson cupcake
- an "art fair" weekend in gruene
- a show at gruene hall - maybe reckless kelly
- more...
**more - so much music going on in the next month and a half!:
- continental club:
- 12/1 - david garza
- 12/7 - beginning of "crybear" residency at the gallery (free) and crybear is david garza
- all of december - alejandro escovedo tuesday night residency
- other:
WHAT?!
i'm sure i'll be adding to this list as time goes on...
i can't believe i almost forgot - a hey cupcake! cupcake. probably a michael jackson. how do you write a drool sound?
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
SO angry!
i don't even know why i'm still SO angry at this person. i've resolved that they're a lazy retard who insists on fucking my stuff up, but i'm STILL mad!
i'm usually ok at resolving and moving on, but not this one. i want to beat her senseless with a meat hammer and drag her bloody body around the office by her hair so that everyone knows what happens when you needlessly piss me off.
GAH!
i'm usually ok at resolving and moving on, but not this one. i want to beat her senseless with a meat hammer and drag her bloody body around the office by her hair so that everyone knows what happens when you needlessly piss me off.
GAH!
Sunday, November 8, 2009
dream
so i dreamt last night that i was a "kept woman" by some super rich dude that lived behind a hospital.
i remember swinging outside of a window of a very tall building, suspended from a helicopter and the dude's assistant was with me, then we had to go away from the building because we were in restricted air-space and then we were just hanging out in mid-air in the middle of nothing suspended by this helicopter. i was only mildly scared which is weird for me.
i remember going to super rich dude's office and finding him in a meeting, so i went down to the lunch room where everyone else was and they had weird tvs and games and stuff down there. when i was down there, it was like everyone knew but didn't know who i was. weird.
i lastly remember walking up and down the parking structure of the hospital in front of super rich dude's house and telling security that i could go up to a restricted part of the structure because that was the way i came in and that was the only way for me to get out and, while i was heading up there, judith light - the mom from "who's the boss" - was coming out of the hospital with a lot of paparazzi following her and she was coming up the restricted way that i was in. i looked in front of me and there was a whole buffet of food and booze that judith light's friends were chowing down on, waiting for her.
i dream funny things.
i remember swinging outside of a window of a very tall building, suspended from a helicopter and the dude's assistant was with me, then we had to go away from the building because we were in restricted air-space and then we were just hanging out in mid-air in the middle of nothing suspended by this helicopter. i was only mildly scared which is weird for me.
i remember going to super rich dude's office and finding him in a meeting, so i went down to the lunch room where everyone else was and they had weird tvs and games and stuff down there. when i was down there, it was like everyone knew but didn't know who i was. weird.
i lastly remember walking up and down the parking structure of the hospital in front of super rich dude's house and telling security that i could go up to a restricted part of the structure because that was the way i came in and that was the only way for me to get out and, while i was heading up there, judith light - the mom from "who's the boss" - was coming out of the hospital with a lot of paparazzi following her and she was coming up the restricted way that i was in. i looked in front of me and there was a whole buffet of food and booze that judith light's friends were chowing down on, waiting for her.
i dream funny things.
Friday, November 6, 2009
i want
the body of someone who is taller than me and who can squeeze me harder than i can squeeze them here. now. i need to hug some of this shit out. really badly.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
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