a letter to the 9 year old me

This past weekend I had a dream where I traveled in time back to some tropical island volcano in 1989 with Prince Charles and some random royal young person. In my half sleep, half awake ether at the end of the dream, I started to think about what I would tell my nine year old self since that's who I was in 1989.

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Hey Pants!

This has been an… interesting year so far for you, hasn’t it? Got a bike for your birthday, fell off it a couple of days later, your appendix burst a week later, you spent 2 weeks in the hospital and another 2 weeks at home recovering and you got a sweet new daybed rom Jerome's out of the moms-guilt. You are going to start 5th grade at a new school with new people. That’s going to be an interesting one too, but you’re going to love Mr. Hutchinson. Needless to say, this is a pretty important time for you developmentally in every way. And because I couldn’t give a flying funt about the butterfly effect or space time disturbances or whatever, I’m going to tell you what’s what and give a little guidance on what to do about it to help, maybe, make your life rad because it’s not too rad now in 33-land.

1. Don’t stop riding your bike. I know the moms took it away after the appendectomy but that bike was not the cause of your hospital stay. Sometimes stuff just happens (to you, it happens a LOT) and this was just something that happened. Get your bike back or get another one, even if it’s a shrimpy BMX so you’re sitting back and your feet can hit the ground, and pedal your heart out because this is your freedom until you turn 16. Just make sure it has a basket of some kind on it. Talk to Muggy about it – she’ll totally back you up and she’ll probably even get one herself and ride around with you.

2. Speaking of Muggy: your Muggy and your Grandpa are the only two people around you now who know what’s what. The parents have no clue and, I’m sad to say, they never will so just nod and smile when they say something then go back to your room and do what you were going to do anyway. We both know that this episode with the appendix wasn’t the first time they let you down and it definitely won’t be the last. But your Muggy is your strongest, staunchest supporter. Give her lots of hugs – she needs them way more than you know. One day you’re going to be her strength in a way you won’t even realize when you’re doing it.

3. Meat and vegetables and fruit. You really like these, eat them as much as you can for meals. I know the parents don’t believe in vegetables or cooking or dining together (you have a pool table but not a kitchen or dining table, really?) but you need to start insisting on these. Apples: the green ones, not the red ones. Vegetables come in frozen bags, make them get them for you and learn how to make them. You know how to make mac ‘n’ cheese, cereal, peanut butter and jelly mixed together and sandwiches, learning how to get the frozen vegetables unfrozen won’t be that hard for you. Oh, and you love cabbage. Raw. With a little lemon. For real.

4. I know you read a lot already but read more. MORE. Anything you can get your hands on. Those Collier Encyclopedias? Read ‘em. Get on your bike and go to the library. It’s not more than a 20 minute bike ride away. There’s no such thing as a kid’s book and an adult book – they’re all for you to read. There’s going to be a time soon when the parents stuff you into a car every weekend for a “speed run” to Vegas or state line – bring 2 big books with you every time and bring a dictionary. Pocket your arcade money for #5 and read at the pool. The library is your friend.

5. Save your money. Christmas, birthdays (because we both already know that they have given up on trying to figure out what you would like and give you $20 instead) and the guilt/arcade money you get from the parents when they schlepp you to Vegas/State Line. The money you get for working for them: save it. More specifically, save 80% of it in a box or envelope or piggy bank or something else. When you have $500 saved, talk to Grandpa and ask him to buy you shares of stock in Apple Computers. You know, the IIe+ that you play your Oregon Trail and Number Munchers on? That company. Then save $1000 and take it to Grandpa and tell him $500 is for more shares and the other $500 is for a CD. And keep on doing that. Stop buying shares in the first quarter of 2003 and sell it all in September of 2012.
The other 20%, spend on music. Fuck what the parents say, you are allowed to love the crap out of Bruce Springsteen. When you and Muggy go to Sam Goody to get Heart and Queen tapes, get yourself ALL of the Bruce Springsteen tapes you can lay your hands on. Also, the Replacements. They are going to change your life. So will lots of other people who make music who are still brewing right now but will amaze you very soon.

6. Insist on swim camp. Insist so much that they don’t send you to Alabama that they have no choice but to cave in to your demand – tantrums yo, they’ll work. Make them send you to swim camp. Because, just like bicycling, you need to keep swimming. And you need community. Badly.

7. You need to make your own structure – your own life structure on a daily basis, a loose routine. You need to guide yourself because the parents aren’t going to do it for you. Don’t wait for them to support something, anything (even college), you want to do because they won’t. They won’t deter you but they definitely aren’t going to help you. They are ambivalent (dictionary) and unaware. They don’t have plans or ideas for you or what you can do in this world, you have to come up with them on your own. And then get on your bike and do them. You don’t need stuff, you need experiences which the parents don’t understand so they don’t know what to do with you. So go out on your bike and experience on your own. They won’t notice. Trust me.

8. Things come easily to you and you let this make you lazy (mainly because you need structure) – only superficially curious. Find something, anything, to dive deeper into. Know that you are going to majorly suck at it at first but you’ll get better. A lot better. Computer programming (because you’re good with number patterns), history, science, extra-curricular writing, machine/car repair (because you like working with your hands and you’d be amazing at it), karate/martial arts (because a ninja you would be MIND BLOWINGLY AWESOME), dancing, knitting, anything. But you have to find it and make the decision because no one is going to guide you to it. And you have to persist through the beginner “I’m horrible at this” phase. No matter what it is, this will be one of the best things you could ever do for yourself. **Note: I place my vote for ninja now because that would be uber-rad.**

9. Make this boy your penpal: B.T.C. Cumberbatch. He’s just now starting at Harrow School in England. The address there is 5 High St, Harrow on the Hill, Middlesex HA1 3HP, United Kingdom. Write to him. Anything and everything. Stories, happenings, feelings, just keep writing. This achieves two things: 1. you’re consistently writing. Don’t ever let anyone – teachers or otherwise – tell you that the way you write is wrong because it’s not, it’s YOUR way of writing. 2. That boy is amazing now and will be even more so later, it’ll be totally worth it. Let yourself expand with it. Maybe you don’t always send letters, maybe make it drawings or paintings or collages or something.

10. There are quite a few people in your life who are around your age who are unnecessarily cruel. Jessica, Jennifer, Kellie Scott, etc. Fuck them all. Don’t listen or take to heart one word that they say to you because everything that comes out of their mouths is spiteful drivel and it has absolutely nothing to do with you. All three of them end up pregnant and on drugs by 18. For real. And, let’s be honest here, in a year or two, you’ll be coming up on a time in your life where 99% of the people your age who are around you are just bitches. Boys, girls, teachers, idiots all of them. There are a select few individuals who aren’t assholes but the rest are and it’s because there’s stuff going on inside and outside of their bodies that they just don’t understand so a lot of them get angry or hateful or controlling over something or someone outside of them to help them rationalize what’s going on inside of them. The biggest chunk of this period will be about 6-8 years, but there are some people who hold onto it for their whole lives. Remember this: anything that anyone ever says about you that’s negative is not about you at all, it’s about themselves. Because you are amazing and smart and beautiful and you grow up to have really awesome boobies. But this is the reason for a majority of my suggestions: bicycling to other places, swimming, reading, penpal, karate (hopefully?) will all be things that you can find solace in when these people get you down. They’ll be distractions for you, they’ll be outlets, they’ll be what gets you through.

Finally, not that your saying anything will be able to help this, but if you can, find a way to make it so the pops doesn’t quit the Navy. The reason he quits is noble but dumb in the long run because he loses his whole sense of self and ends up going back in 11 years anyway. He starts to resent everything surrounding the decision because he doesn’t really know how to fully exist without the structure that the Navy gave him.

Final instructions: read this letter every day for the first year. Read it every month for the following 6 years. Read it yearly and otherwise as desired or required after that. Remember that no one is going to do it (whatever it may be) for you, so go and get it or do it yourself. Also, don’t get that perm when you’re 13 – that’s bad juju yo.

Kisses! The 33 year old you.

i love...

the MJCC. a lot. and i'm trying REALLY HARD to justify the $62/mo it is for me to go there when it's only $34/mo at the 24 hour fitness for all clubs. besides having a big, clean, happy pool with an early morning master swim that i can drop in on anytime, they have:

- hair dryers in the locker room
- towel service
- toiletries that you may have forgotten are provided
- a suit spinner
- saunas, steam rooms and spas IN EACH LOCKER ROOM
- a separate 'warm water' pool for aqua aerobics (so you don't have people walking up and down your lane when you're trying to swim). oh, and they have WATER YOGA?? i have to try that one.
- drop-in martial arts classes
- BATTING CAGES: what?!?! oh yes, batting cages.

everyone there is super duper nice and it's not a meat market (well, it's a kosher meat market *grin*) with girls with the fake boobalas wearing a thick patina of makeup to work out (i never understood that) and it's just a really chill environment.

i'm pretty sure that the batting cages are going to be what tips the scales in the MJCC's favor.

swimming stream of consciousness

sweet! no ones here, wakeywakey, mystery dance, elvis costello rocks, lip service, living in paradise, flip turn, drinking with friends that hasn't happened yet, replacement killers, chow yun fat - he was so handsome why'd he let himself get old?, john woo, the big hit, mark wahlberg CAN be funny - geez he takes himself so seriously, people in town, how did it become like high school again?, flip turn, no wonder i don't want to go out, apple burp, tom waits, wiant, fred van vactor, kangaroo lake, ian moore, mac - i hope she comes back healed so we can skate, i should just try the skating on my own, flip turn, wheels and i don't mix, FLIP TURN!, ow, chamois, shorts, flying, stroke, running away, pull, did i just bounce off the wall?, michael jackson, he's awesome and all but i'm over hearing him everywhere, michael vick, this should be interesting.

swimming

why the heck did i stop for so long??? for the past month and a half i haven't been - i've been on the hot yoga track - and i just went this morning and i fuckin' rock at it and i feel great!

wednesday is going to be the true test of rockin'-ness, but i effin' nailed it this morning! it makes me feel like i'm going to have a kick-ass day! i should bookmark this blog entry and read it when i need motivation to keep going.

yay endorphins!

swimming...

sucked sweaty monkey balls today. and not because i have treated my body like crap this weekend, which could have been a valid excuse, but because people are inconsiderate assholes.
this woman got in my lane while i was swimming and just STOOD in front of me. wasn't moving. in the middle of the lane. if i weren't paying attention (as i shouldn't be during an ideal swim) i would have run smack into her. as it was, i stood up in front of her mid-stride and she gave me this horrified look like WHY WAS I IN HER FUCKING LANE?!?!?

that was only the straw that broke the camel's back during the swim today.

i just want my water and black line. i don't want to have to think of anything else but that black line. dammit.

swimming

was easy this morning. the water was light and gauzy in a neat way. like swimming through a silvery, black-fairy forest.

swimming

was good this morning. it's all the things that surrounded it that sucked. no sleep, douchebag torturing an old man at the pool, and cold showers at the pool. blargh!

ps - fellas, if you have a penis and a tramp-stamp, you are officially a douche. yep, i'm totally being judgy.

swimming AND thinking

you get a 2fer:

swimming was short today because i was late and decided to nip that in the bud at the beginning of the day rather than letting it drag on through the day. and it was slow because my body didn't want to wake up, hence the reason i was late.

thinking - 2 things - 1. i don't want to be at work today.
2. work, "shoot 'em up", wine and quite possible sobbing at leonard cohen. not the EXACT birthday i'd choose, but it will do.

swimming

was weirdly hard this morning. i'm still not awake either. i'm sure that had something to do with it.

swimming

i think i'm finding my swimming stride after only 6 months. :) i also think that we're on the cusp of moving up to 45 minutes (april 1 - no joke).

and i found i've taken to calling myself "mamma" when i have to remember something. "flip-turn mamma" "left-side mamma" where the hell did that come from?

swimming

i kicked muthafuckin' ASS at swimming this morning. its pretty disgusting. i'm learning that my body is a lot more durable and "bounce-backy" than i thought.

i also learned that it's kind of dangerous to let my mind wander to ally doing her errol flynn impression while swimming. laughing while your head is in the water isn't too smart.

swimming

!!! was swimming!! as in i did it for the first time in 2 weeks for real. i feel stupidly great physically. i just wish my brain would wake up. let's just let go of the daydreams, ok?

swimming

i'm trying SO HARD to do the swimming. my body wants to zoom along in the water REAL BAD, but the tattoo... argh! the tattoo. it's such a baby. can't be submerged in the water. the press and seal saran wrap doesn't work. i get in the pool, do my warm-up and 2 laps in its coming off. 10 minutes in. the stupid poopyhead tattoo can't be in the water without air for another 35 minutes. i'm going to just try slathering on a whole baby's butt full of vaseline on it tomorrow and see what happens. at least i'm getting up and going to try and do it instead of giving up and just staying in bed. that's a step in the right direction. :)

i'm really not motivated to be at work today. i'd like to go and complete my schedule. NOW.

help!

so, i got a new tattoo this weekend. around the ankle. rule #1 of new tattoos is "don't submerge in water for 2 weeks". this, in theory, means no swimming for 2 weeks. i can't not swim for 2 weeks - i'll be a miserable slob.

any suggestions for keeping the ankle water-tight?

saran wrap and duct tape doesn't work. :(

swimming

is getting better, little by little. i'm at about 80% now which is good good. i'm tyty though because it was a weird night last night.

swimming

was crawly today. there was this guy in the lane next to me that was totally throwing me off. my body is tyty and all i want is something warm, cuddly and chai-y.

swimming

was slow today. i'm not at 100% and haven't been for a little while. i refuse to take steps backward because of it though. i think i just have to take it easy but keep on truckin' now.

swimming

was disconnected today. and disconcerting. i couldn't remember which side to breathe out of. i couldn't focus. that's not a good thing when dealing with a large amount of water and a body that's not listening to the brain.

i'm going back to bed. and throwing out all my sinus medicines.

swimming

was ok this morning. then i realized that i hadn't been in the water in 6 days. then i gave myself a break.

the pool was popular.

swimming

was non-existent today. the bed's embrace was far too strong.