touch

human touch is a strong and incredible tool that i don't think enough of us realize we have at our disposal. it makes us feel connected to one another. it promotes trust in one another. it allows for the trade of energy between people. the way people touch one another speaks volumes about how they feel about each other.
for me, personally, touch relaxes. and, since i don't get a lot of it, it haunts me.

the feeling of a hand at the small of my back makes me feel protected and guided. and i'm totally cool if that hand "accidentally" moves down to grab a little ass.
the feeling of a hand stroking my back in long, assertive strokes makes me limp and purr like a kitten. it's soothing and relaxing - the more assertive the pressure, the more relaxed i get. i feel like i can let the world go and breathe the way i'm meant to breathe when someone strokes my back like that.
hugs are awesome. with the right hug, i can melt into the other person and not even notice the world around me which is a right tough thing for me to do any other time. a hug lets me forget about all the aholes i have to deal with on a daily basis. and there are so many different kinds of hugs for different situations, they're like languages in their variety and, therefore, fascinating to me.
i loath to mention this, but i think it's a lovely idea: we all know my slight disdain for one jason "chapman" (ok, jason mraz - but he sounds like tracy chapman!) but that dude has a tattoo on his shoulder that simply says "rest area" and i LOVE that idea. because it's so true. and that's what hugs do - they're fuel.
kisses are similar to hugs, but the minor differences make them vastly different. i don't even think i have words for kisses, all i know is that my mouth and i remember them all. some, most definitely, more than others.
holding hands has to be my most cherished form of touch. more than hugs, more than kissing, more than sex, more than anything else is holding hands. its such a simple gesture and it says so much, consciously and unconsciously. holding hands between friends and lovers says (to me) "hey, i'm hanging out with/lovin' on this person and i don't care who knows it." holding hands is subtle and powerful. lots of energy, calming, healing, nurturing energy is passed through the hands.

i think about all these things, and in this detail, because i CRAVE human touch. and as much as i crave it, is as little of it as i receive.
the last hug i had was just over a month ago. the last hand holding, as well, just over a month ago. the last squishy, melty, "let everything go" hug, 5 months ago. last drunken kiss, january 3, 2010. last sober kiss, 1 year ago.

i can't remember the last time someone held my hand in public.

these statistics make me sad. they make me feel cold. they make me feel unlovable and untouchable. they make me feel empty and devoid of human connection. and i'm not sure how to make it better. do i just go up to random strangers and say "hey, let's hold hands"?

like that's going to win me any favors.

thanks for the vent, blog.