i'm tired of this veil that has been hanging on me for the past few months. it's heavy. it skews my vision. it slows me down in every way. it's physical and emotional and mental and i feel like it's draining me of every last ounce of anything i have.
it started out mentally, just not wanting to be at work because i work for assholes in a soul-sucking profession. and it's not like i even make a lot of money. who would WANT to go to work?
and now it's getting physical and emotional all at the same time... i haven't been able to make my body do anything outside of it's normal routine for about a month and a half now. and i'm getting really freaking tired of it. i'm so tired of being tired. i finally kicked my own ass this afternoon and made myself do an hour of yoga and it was all i could do to stay awake. i've been eating minorly badly for a while now and i can't get myself out of it. because hot chocolate from a pouch just sounds so much better than anything else right now. i haven't been able to get warm. i'm in three layers of clothes and i have the heater on all the time. and i'm still cold. i've been fading in and out of mental consciousness and it makes me physically dizzy. here's some TMI: i drink more than a gallon of water a day and, at the end of the day, my pee is still pretty yellow. after a gallon of water, there shouldn't be a lick of canary in there.
i have an appointment for a physical and a full lab workup this week, but i'm pretty sure they're going to tell me that i'm healthy as an ox and want to put me on anti-depressants. those will just make me a raging asshole. i'd much rather be eeyore than angry, ragy tigger.
and then there's the emotional stuff. i know i do this to myself: physically distancing myself from all the people that i love so that i don't have an outlet. i want so bad to have actual arms here that i can wrap myself in and just relax for a little bit because i know that there's someone there to share it, even if it is just for five minutes, ten minutes, an hour. i'm so tired of being the one that has to see or find my light. i want so badly right now to see it reflected back at me from someone else. physically. i know it's there, it's just this shroud dims it so much and i'm looking so hard for it sometimes that it makes me have terrible vision, trying to see it through everything else. that makes my eyes tired.
and i don't want to be that asshole that keeps complaining about the weather. i refuse to believe that the weather is the sole cause of my feeling this way.
so, i'm not even lilli von schtupp tired, i'm just fuckin' done. dammit.