Monday, June 29, 2009


why the heck did i stop for so long??? for the past month and a half i haven't been - i've been on the hot yoga track - and i just went this morning and i fuckin' rock at it and i feel great!

wednesday is going to be the true test of rockin'-ness, but i effin' nailed it this morning! it makes me feel like i'm going to have a kick-ass day! i should bookmark this blog entry and read it when i need motivation to keep going.

yay endorphins!

Saturday, June 27, 2009

the painfully obvious

this is for all the people who ask me if i'm seeing anyone when i talk to them:
i just got told that i attract my dad AND what i want in dudes. and since i want my freedom and to be left alone sometimes, i get that. in my dad. my dad who was just around to eat and sleep and watch movies or pensacola: wings of gold. so i'm attracting dudes that leave me alone, kind of counterproductive. meh.
and i just thought back on a few from the past few years and it's pretty effin' true. one of them even looked eerily like my dad did at that age.

would you want to see anyone when you're working with that?


Wednesday, June 24, 2009

atoms are forming on the window pane

i don't want to go totally into last night's dream, but i think i need to get one thing down for posterity and in case i need it at a later time:

"atoms are forming on the window pane"

that was before the yelling happened.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009


i've met a lot of ladies lately that say they don't "do" oral. and then make a disgusted face about it.


i mean, that's something i LOVE to do. and i'm not just saying that. now, i understand that i don't have the same sexual appetite as a lot of people out there, but to be DISGUSTED by the thought? and it's SO limiting and closed minded!
i know that i have to temper it and i learned the hard way that i need to have them be the giver first before i slap some cock in my mouth or it's going to be a never ending spiral of one-sided giving, but i can't imagine being disgusted by the thought.

dudes out there, i feel sorry for you if you meet the ladies i've met lately who "just don't do that". what a sad existence for your cock. i know some dudes who don't reciprocate, but i don't fuck them. as a matter of fact, it's one of the first questions i ask when i meet someone that i might want to do: "do you go diving at the Y?" if the answer is no, then my answer is no. full stop.

besides the physical parts of it, there are so many other implications that go along with NOT doing that. i could go on and on about that, but i won't. i just wanted to make my truly sad observation. *sigh*

Monday, June 22, 2009


this weekend is exactly what i needed. i got D.I.R.T.Y. - like christina aguilera wearing assless chaps in a mud wrestling ring dirty. i'm kinda tore up. and i feel invigorated.

here's hoping for more just like it.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009


why do i sometimes get this bug up my butt about wanting to know what's going on with people from my past lives? i've known some rad people and then had to give them up for the good of the situation. there's a reason they're in my past.
i got just such a bug and started "facebooking" them (i can't believe i just used that as a verb) and found some of them. and they're sprogged up. ALL OF THEM. and not just one little sproglet. a TRIBE of sprogs all of them have. it's so weird to think of these people as parents. i really could only imagine one of them as a parent and even the thought of him as a parent was stretching it.

then i start wondering why the thought of a conventionally "normal" life is so weird to me. it makes me think i was put together wrong. rather, it makes me think of baby tomato plants. you know how you're supposed to guide them along a stake in the garden until they get their footing and can wind up the stake on their own? i don't think i was pointed toward the "normal" stake. i don't think i was pointed toward a stake at all, i was just left to see what i could grab onto. i like what i've found, but there are times (VERY few times) where i wonder what my life would be like if i had been pointed toward that "normal" stake. hm.


i'm addicted to sweet leaf pomegranate green tea.

i wish i could buy it in jugs.

my dreams are funny

so, i had this dream last night that included a lot of stuff that i don't remember now - the only part that i remember is the following:

i was lying in a hospital bed and 2 nurses were patting my face trying to revive me - as though i had passed out or something - and one of them was holding a newborn baby. as soon as i fully woke up, that thing attached to my boob to start breast-feeding. and it was one of those moments like the movies where everything starts moving in fast-forward motion and all these feelings and thoughts come flooding back to you. i felt like i was getting washed away by a heavy tide.
i knew that i was the biological mother, but that i wasn't going to be the mom, so i started pushing it away and wriggling to get it off me going "NOOOOOOO!!!" the whole time. i even remember saying that i didn't want it to eat from me because i didn't want to bond with it and didn't want it to bond with me because i wasn't going to be the mommy.

and for the first time ever (without having a leg cramp) i actually woke up "abruptly" from a dream. now, the reason this is funny: i go to these dream dictionaries to see what breast-feeding means and then i was just going to negate it and that's what the dream is supposed to mean, right? well, here's what it means:
"To dream that you are breast feeding, symbolizes tenderness, love, nurturance, and motherly love. Good things will be at your grasp. Alternatively, the dream suggests that you need to be careful in who you confide in."

so, were i to use this definition, i would be pushing love away. HA! this is so me. like i needed to be reminded that this is what i do.


Monday, June 8, 2009


at least for the issue at hand for me. this just means no house. and it *hopefully* means i'm not going to be in this office this time next year. it means a lot of saving. it means maybe not coming back here as soon as i expect. i feel a lot of fun and learning. i feel like i might actually be able to run away.
maybe some freakishly tall and sterile dutch man will sweep me off my feet with his square face, dark hair, light eyes and brain full of logic. maybe some normal height, broad, dark, greek fisherman will win me over with his smelliness and light-hearted hilarity. maybe i will meet the most giant japanese man who will try and be my sugar-daddy. but, i feel in my gut that it will be the predictable for me: burly irish fella with dark, curly hair and twinkling eyes and an always smiling, laughing face will roll over me and take me away without my even knowing it.
and the ladies! i can't even IMAGINE the awesome chicks i'm going to meet.
all of these thoughts are going to get me through the scraping i'm going to have to do over the next year. WOO HOO!

Thursday, June 4, 2009

tiny breakthrough

it only took 30 years, but i think my mom is finally starting to understand a little bit where i'm coming from with something in my life. she actually said something i needed to hear and helped put some stuff into perspective.

little victories. i'll take the little victories.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

i also hate...

when my customer service calls get routed to india. they're not helpful and, well...


i'm all for helping other countries out and hooking them up with jobs, but we really need to take care of ourselves first. it's like any relationship - you can't be any good in a relationship unless you take care of yourself first.

soooooo frustrating.

Monday, June 1, 2009


i am low low low.





i need someone besides me to kick my ass out of this rut.