and since the tease is all about being vague, i have been afraid to put into words what i require in a romantic partner. afraid because words can limit the possibilities of awesomeness of this mythical person. i haven't lived enough life to know what this "everything" that a partner should be entails - i hope to never know because that means i'm still being surprised. i have been afraid because these words, while not carved in stone, are most definitely not drawn in sand either, making it hard to justify changes and corrections and evolutions.
i equate stating what i require to defining a "type" and i don't have a "type" to be honest. at least not in the conventional definition - i have no feature requirements (barring height because i've learned my lesson more than once with this), no job requirement, no income requirement, no kid wanting requirement or marriage requirement, etc. not that this is an invitation to the slackers out there, oh no, because you'll be joyfully working hard for this radtasticness, just not in the conventional way.
i've just recently started being comfortable even discussing aloud what my "requirements" are of a partner. as a matter of fact, i started thinking about this solely because a person i know, who i thought would be the consummate single person for the rest of their life mentioned in passing that they knew what they wanted in a relationship. and it shocked me and surprised me that they were even thinking about it. i couldn't let that stand! so, taking after the only person i've talked about this with, i'm going to put it down in writing so i can stop thinking about it.
these requirements are in no particular order:
- communication: i am a tactless and honest person. i don't know how to lie. as a matter of fact, i start to stutter and stumble over my words terribly when i attempt, what i believe to be, a blatant lie so, i'm going to be communicating with you FP (fictional partner - FP from now on) and i would very much appreciate the same courtesy. if we're not having enough sex for your liking FP, please tell me, i would be more than happy to fix that for you. if you don't like the way i kiss with a little nibble FP, please think of a solution that will satisfy you and tell me about it. if you don't like that i wake up in the double digits on the weekends because you feel like the day gets wasted and you start to resent me for it, by god! wake me up and tell me! i'm a big girl and i know that EVERYONE is different, but FP, i need you to realize that i cannot read your mind.
my parents have been married for 30 years. they still don't talk to each other. i see how they walk on eggshells around each other because of it and it kills me.
- attention: i'm not good at being in the spotlight, so i'm not saying i'm that girl who needs everything to be about me. rather, what i require from you FP, is for you to realize that i'm in the room when we're in the same place. we don't have to be attached at the hip, but it would be nice to feel your eyes on me at some point of the evening - preferably with salacious intentions behind them.
i would like it if you made me feel like enough of a girl with your attention that it encourages me to wear dresses - i would wear them for you FP - because i look pretty in them and have fabulous legs that go all the way up to my ass and because dresses almost demand that the wearer be treated like a girl.
say we're in a relationship that puts thousands of miles of physical distance between us... this attention would then be in the form of phone calls or letters (yes, real ones with stamps and handwriting and invisible skin flakes so i can get the tiniest whiff of you from the letter) or electronic communications. if you are text-happy or email-happy, i require a minimum of one phone call per week so i can put a voice to the attention that i'm getting, so it can feel real instead of mechanical. i can be very good at phone sex when necessary. i've watched a lot of porn (understatement). i know what they say. there is a distance caveat as well, but that is to be discussed at another time FP.
- affection: boy! is this an important one! the last relationship i was in, we had an unspoken "one foot" rule that was to be obeyed in public. well, HE had this rule. as in, there was always one foot distance between our physical beings when we were out together. i did not like this. and it will not be tolerated this time FP. there are several reasons that this will not stand.
i'm not saying that we need to be attached at the lip or be THAT pair that is disgustingly handsy and grindy and moany, the pair that everyone in the room is looking at and thinking "unless they throw down right here in the middle of the floor and give everyone a show, they need to find a freakin' bathroom stall". i would prefer if we weren't that pair.
what i require is the knowledge that i can run up to you in a room of people, grab your arm and whisper something pertinent, inane, silly or random in your ear whilst "unintentionally" rubbing my boob against your arm and leave you with a kiss on the neck just below your ear simply because i feel like it and not have you freak out that i'm touching you in public.
i like to touch and to be touched... any and all synonyms of the word "touch" - i like them all. i also like to hold hands. A LOT. i like that more than sex, to be honest. it makes me feel accepted and wanted and that's important to anyone. damn, that's another physical requirement - you'll need at least one hand FP.
- companionship: i require that you like to spend time with me. i know that's a deal-breaker for some, but seriously, you want my cooter? i want you to put some genuine time into it. i don't want to spend every excruciating second of every minute of every day with you and have you LOVE it, no. there's no might about it - i would definitely kill you were that the case. but i want you to say "yes" to my invitations to go see shows or a movie with me. or... OR i want you to invite me to something you want to go to - motocross, monster truck rally, lumberjack guild, hockey game, etc. - so we can spend time together. dates! dates, not "hanging out", are good! i like to do a lot of things so give me a try, i probably won't say no. unless you're talking about seal clubbing. or dog fighting. or going to a casino - don't ever invite me to a casino or place of gambling. this will be further discussed at a later date.
- passion: i require that you be passionate about something that is not me. bees. nascar. hand models. toy trains. the environment. lumberjacking. spoon collecting. road trips. foot-sploshing porn. hipsters. satanism. the demise of hipsters.
i want to listen to you talk about something that makes you light up from the inside. something that gets you excited like a little child. because, if you're excited about it, i'm bound to be curious and, in turn, get excited for you once you start telling me all about it. something that gets you so excited that you bounce a little while talking about it without even realizing. it doesn't have to be what you do for a living, although that is an added bonus, but, perhaps, something that makes what you do for a living worth it.
it is unacceptable if i ask you on our first date "what do you like to do?" and your only answer is "play on the computer" even after the 4th time i've asked you, implying "i understand that you like to play on the computer, could you maybe tell me what games you play on the computer?"
- sex: uhm... it is REQUIRED that you not be afraid of sex FP. it is REQUIRED that you like sex, love it even. i've met those dudes who are afraid and who don't like it before. surprising and FRUSTRATING. i like to have sex. a lot. and i like exploring new ways to have sex. a lot. i will NEVER be that woman that withholds sex for something. i'm just punishing myself then as well, right? right. i have no size requirements and we can work on stamina of all sorts together. if you've got all of the above as well as enthusiasm and willingness to learn and take direction, i have a feeling we'd be able to work it all out.
**THE KEY**: yes, you can have everything above and still not get it right. the key to all this is:
you need to be happy in, or find happiness in, being these things for me. otherwise everything is doomed from the start.
i'm extremely sensitive to how people are feeling - i can sense resentment and grumpiness and frustration and all these negative feelings and those feelings taint the wonderful things you do for me (or my magical cooter) making them bad and gross and... sullied. everything above is too pure and good to ever be sullied. sullying is not tolerated.
i've completed an informal survey of coffee shop patrons and 100% of them stated that, yes, they broke up with (or were broken up with by) their past partners because it just didn't make them happy to make their partners happy anymore. i know that happens. i know that people change. i like that people change, but don't let your unhappiness turn into resentment FP - go back to the first item on the list and talk to me about it.
with the above the more menial wants are:
- height: i'm 5'10". that's 177cm for you metric folks. i really need you to be at least 6' (183cm) tall because i don't want to deal with the asshole that comes out because of a measly 1.5 inches. and it would be nice and interesting to learn how to wear and walk in heels.
- challenge me!: this does not mean abuse me. :)
- do not take yourself too seriously. if you can't laugh at you, i will eventually begin to hate you and you will probably end up having a heart attack.
- like "blazing saddles": this shouldn't be difficult, it's only the greatest movie ever made. and if you are offended by it, the probability is HIGH that i will offend you at some point.
let me wrap this up by saying that i'm not requiring anything on this list that i'm not willing to give. excited about giving, even! at all. if i'm nothing else, i'm painfully fair.