Friday, March 11, 2011

to all the office husbands: past, present and future

i have known you for two months. we have a light, casual friendship on a professional level because (since "office" is in your title) you don't get to see me drunk. we have lunch once every couple of weeks. you give advice on dude stuff that some always single girls don't know or don't have the patience for or care to learn about: selling cars, fixing macinery like washing machines, putting together stereo components, etc.
in exchange, i am awesome, smart, funny and i actually listen to - and am usually interested in - what you want to talk about, which is generally the stuff you like the most. all of this AND i'm not that hard on the eyes. what more could an office mate want?

so, office husband, when you tell me that you and your REAL wife are splitting up, please don't be offended when i do not accept your invitations to "hang out" outside of work hours. i am really not interested in you physically and am only marginally interested in you otherwise because you are able to hold a conversation that doesn't revolve solely around your car or your phancypants condo. as a matter of fact, your increase attentions toward me in this short period of time now make me uncomfortable. VERY uncomfortable. because i know that there is more than a little part of you hoping to get me drunk enough to let my defenses down... as evidenced that one time that you got drunk over lunch and told me so.

this is not the first time this has happened. or the second. so, believe me when i say this: our friendship needs to be put on hold until you get a girlfriend. a girlfriend who is not me.

i'm totally not sorry that i am so awesome. but you don't get to dip your wick in this company pot.



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