important

i'm a little different than others.

as i was walking out of the office today, i was juggling 2 bottles of wine, 2 zombie movies, a bottle of water and a peanut butter cookie in my arms. i looked down and thought to myself:

"everything that's important in life is right here in my arms."

open to suggestions...

i must be pmsing because i usually don't get "emotional" about this stuff, but... let me put this right on out there: i live a really lonesome existence. i know that 99.9999% of this i've cultivated and i've been pretty ok with it up until the past couple months. it's comfortable and manageable for me to be this way. i know how to be this way.
well, i'm tired of it now and i don't know how to fix this mess. i'm a master of meeting people and keeping them at an arms length. all the people that i LOVE i keep further away (physical distance only), worried that if they were closer, i wouldn't love them the way that i do. i don't know how to turn that page to become closer friends with people that live in the same town. yeah, it's as weird as it sounds.

usually, when i get this way, i'd just move on to another town and let the drama of that change encompass me for the next period of time until this feeling washed over me again and then repeat. but, i really like austin and there really isn't another place that jumps out at me right now as the "right" place to be besides here. i'm starting to like texas even. not to the point that i'd move elsewhere in the state to live, but i'm definitely learning to appreciate it.
i like the people that i've met here. a lot. 95% of them are awesome, but super-busy chicks (because they're awesome) that i would love to spend more time with and get closer to, but i feel like i'm imposing on their tiny amount of free time were i to suggest that we go out sometime.
granted, i've also met people that i don't want to spend more time with, but i appreciate them as acquaintances - i see them just enough. and wouldn't you know it, they're the ones that have the time and that i would be able to say "hey, let's go get a drink tonight" to and they'd accept. but they're not the people that i want to spend MORE time with. it's a stupid twisted circle.

i don't know what to do to remedy this situation. people say "go out more". well, i go out fairly frequently and on my own because of the situation above - how many of you would talk to some random girl that goes out on her own?? i'm starting to see how intimidating that is for most people. what does the random girl out on her own say to someone - especially to someone in a group/pair setting which is how most people here go out - to start a conversation and not have it be awkward or weird or imposing? people don't naturally gravitate toward me and i'm not a good opener. i'm a GREAT closer, but i suck pretty hard at initiating conversation with people.

it really struck me today with all the birthday celebrations going on lately. i've decided that the leonard cohen show on my birthday was the best thing that could have happened for me because, if there wasn't a show going on, i would have been alone with not a soul to call in town to have dinner or a drink with on my birthday. that heavy clank you just heard? that's the anvil of loneliness clanking down on my head and splooshing my brain everywhere. it's a horrible feeling to not have a local "emergency contact". *smile*

this isn't something i want sympathy for - it is what it is, i know that. this is something i want a SOLUTION for. and i just don't know where to start. and the idea of having no idea is really overwhelming. it doesn't help that i really am a painfully shy person at heart. GAH!

age appropriateness?

why am i so judgy when it comes to "age appropriateness" and relationships? or even the potential for relationships?

example: there is a woman in my office who is 54. she looks about 44 and she's very pretty, but she still is 54 and is in the middle of getting divorced from a man she was married to for 34 years. i could write pages and pages on this person. in a mixed light. but, were i to sum her up: she's frustrating to me because she's someone who always needs to be taken care of and she makes people feel sorry for her because she says she can't do things that are well within her capabilities so that someone else will do it for her. i can't STAND that.
right now, there is a fairly good-looking, well-kept guy in our office to discuss spurs season tickets and stuff with the 2 managers in our office. he's MAYBE 32. i think he's 29. the 54 year old lady came into my office and asked me if i thought he was cute. i said, "meh, he's lukewarm. besides, he's short." and then she asked, "what about for me?" and instantly i think "WHAT?!". actually, several thoughts come into my head, but that was the loudest. there are so many reasons that she shouldn't even CONSIDER him, but how do you say that? you can't.
i ended up stammering out, "i think he's pretty young." she said, "what? 30s?" and i said, "no, i think late 20s." and that ended the conversation.

why do all these negative things come into my head in that situation? am i being protective of my potential dating pool even though that's not something i'm interested in right now? am i just instantly seeing the process of her getting her heart broken and saying no to protect her (because i don't want to deal with her with a broken heart and i know i'd have to)?

i'm really a lot more interested in dudes that are older than me (by a good 8-12 years or so) and live life knowing that the powers that be have a REALLY BIG sense of humor. these kind of people RARELY exist in my "dating pool". why did i have such a strong reaction to her being interested in this young slip of a man?

i guess i'm ok with cougarism only if the woman is independent. and she's the opposite of independent.

a girl and her Texas: a love story

yes, i've lived here in austin going on 3 years now and i've known since i first stood foot in this town that it was for me and that we were going to have a great love affair.

the same couldn't be said for the state of texas though. i've always had a kind of tenuous, "hands-off" relationship with the rest of the state. there's a lot of desert here. and they're just on a gulf, not an ocean, so the waves are minimal unless there's a hurricane. and they have weird weather. oh, and my mom HATES TEXAS WITH A PASSION and has tried to instill that hatred in me since birth.
i'm still trying to find the beauty in desert. i'm sure that will come in time. until then, i found the beauty in the texas hill country which is looking a little like desert these days due to the fact that we had NO RAIN this winter.

it all began because this woman at work was telling me about this place that is the only working flower farm in texas - meaning they farm flowers for the seeds - and they have a nursery and flower fields that you can walk around in and you can cut your own flowers and they have a butterfly house. now, the way she described it, you'd have thought there were acres of magical flower forest and a multi-level castle of butterflies and loveliness. so, of course, i HAD to go! i decided on saturday morning and early so i could beat the crowds because we are in the middle of a string of PERFECT weather days. perfect. and i knew it'd be packed if i went too late and i'm not into packed.
it's about a 1.5 hour drive and i was on the road at 9:15am. when i'm fully on 290, i realize that texas' time is really the morning time. it's definitely a state that "wakes up" and part of the reason i fell in love with it today was getting to watch the state wake up on my drive. then, "texas music" (as in, artists from texas) started playing on my ipod. and IT ALL STARTED COMING TOGETHER. i can't explain it, but i'm now so enamored with my state that it's disgusting. i love the pride that people have in living here. i love that people have no shame in showing their pride. as a matter of fact, it's a competition to some to see who has more or the most. i love the weirdness. i love the fact that there's so much "old shit" here that every tiny town has at least 4 "rustic antique" stores.
i'm driving, becoming more enamored each mile, and i go through johnson city and just past it, i see this metal bull on the side of the road.

i had seen it before when we went to luckenbach, but i thought it was a fluke, so i didn't pay attention to it, but when i saw it again this time, i made a note to stop and take a photo of it on the way back.
i get to the flower place and... well... it's not what i imagined it would be. yes, they've got a HUGE nursery and a beer garden (yay!) but the flower field (note the singularity) left something to be desired - there weren't much more than poppies and bluebonnets blooming - and the butterfly "haus" (their spelling, not mine) was pretty tiny. still, i walked through the field and got some pretty pictures that might make it seem like more than it was. i also walked through the butterfly "haus" and get some neat pics in there, but it was really difficult to capture the constant motion in there from all the fluttering.

it was getting warm and i was hungry so i decided to take off and head back to austin. still falling in love with the dried up hill country on my way back, i was starting to compose some of this story in my head when i happened upon the bull again. i stopped, took some photos and noticed a small sign saying that the bull was part of a sculpture ranch that was about 5 miles up this little road. there were a couple of other sculptures there to whet your interest, so i decided to head up. it was free and i didn't have anything else to do. why not?? and a sculpture ranch? that just SOUNDS rad.
i drove down the road, which seemed a lot longer than 5 miles and it's one of those roads that someone would think you're taking them down to kill them because there is NOTHING AROUND to hear them die. the only thing that's on the road are signs: one warning you of "loose livestock" (i could go so many places with this) and the others gently urging you onto the sculpture ranch.
as you turn into a random drive, the sculptures begin. it was AMAZING. these huge, gorgeous pieces of art, set, literally, in the middle of nowhere - in the middle of this stark hill country. there's a half mile of sculptures lining the road up to a half-dome warehouse looking place - kind of like a metal greenhouse - this is the gallery. apparently, this artist has been around for 50 years and the gallery hosts pieces of his past works. as well, he's some kind of hermit and even the people who work the gallery haven't met him. the art in the gallery was stunning. it had so much depth and dimension, you are compelled to reach out and touch it just to make sure it's flat. then there's the rest of the ranch. there are 2 "trails" that you drive down to see all the sculptures on offer. it's kind of like one of those drive-thru safaris, but with art. majestic, beautiful art. i think it's better because it's set against this landscape.
i won't go into it anymore, because it's officially the "field trip" i'm taking every person on when they come visit austin. it would be a crime not to. this is my favorite photo from the ranch because this is how i felt when i found it:


so, i fall in love with this state, then i find this incredibly awe-inspiring piece of randomness. i think the cosmos needed me to love this place a lot today. and i did. and i still do.

all the photos will be on flickr by the end of the day sunday. i only took 232 pictures and am uploading 166 of them. and my flickr is SLOW.

whoa.

a lot happened this week. a lot of good things. extremely few bad things. i will recap later. i'm horribly remiss. i need to recap tori and ryan too.

i'm sleeping with my nose plastered to a pillow for the next week to remember.