thinking

i do NOT get paid to tell people "no". grrrr.

thinking

should i be worried that my printer is smoking? it's not obvious smoke and it doesn't smell, but... it's smoking.

it's a good thing i'm good at fighting fires.

the most horribly offensive...

...rental car EVER. the dodge calibur. in electric blue.

i walk into the alamo office on thursday night and do the whole "self check-in" thing because i really didn't feel like talking to other people. i had requested a compact car. i was hoping for something inconspicuous and asian. what i got looked like a 4 year old colored a (non-compact) box with a blue highlighter and someone took it apart and made a a car out of it.
besides that, it smelled like ass. it smelled like someone had really fucked-up the inside and they tried to cover up the smell, but what they used just made it worse. and the smell seeped into everything. so i smelled like that rental car all weekend.
it has a jerky drive and is loud and gargantuan and has super-limited visual space. as in, they were so concerned with making as many corners as they could on this car that it made the windshield and windows smaller. this car is the opposite of compact. which wouldn't have been so bad if i didn't have to park in l.a.
i saw people driving these things all weekend and i really hoped they just got the short-end of the rental car stick like i did because i don't want to know the people who VOLUNTARILY BUY this p.o.s. car.

end rant.

yes and no

you know, you've said no to me so many times now that it makes my whole body think you're only going to continue to say no to me or give me some lame excuse as to why you "have" say no to me *insert rolley eyes here*, that i can't even picture you saying yes anymore. that's HORRIBLE. i have this overwhelming feeling that i'm going to get a no. AGAIN. and i've been feeling it since tuesday. and i can't shake it. and i need to shake it because it breaks my heart.
i need to be able to picture you saying yes because that's the only way it's going to happen. i can force through thoughts of yes, but they get washed over almost immediately with the inevitable no. to the point where i picture myself walking out to the beach and throwing stones on the cliffs, hoping they'll break because i need the catharsis of seeing something break due to my own actions.

christ! when am i going to be done with this?

they grow up so... fast?

i just saw a child that didn't look like a child. he looked like a very small adult. even his body - no baby fat or cuddliness - and stature. he wasn't a "little person", but he just did not have a child-like quality about him. he couldn't have been more than 3 or 4.

strange. it was strange in a wonderful (in the full of wonder) kind of way. and obviously notable enough for me to feel like writing about it.

thinking...

all this activity i'm making myself do (gladly) is mellowing me out a little.

example: i go to class about 30 minutes early because i can be persnickety about my spot. i really like the spot i have and i claim it early because it's mine. tonight, some new ASSHOLE moved my stuff while i was hanging out because they wanted my spot. i go in, my stuff is moved, i lie down and just start fuming about it - silently of course because you CAN'T SAY ANYTHING IN CLASS. that's the one thing that just pisses me off about people - that they don't even THINK before doing stuff. i am the queen of having shitty stuff happen to me because others aren't considerate. i try to think of being inconsiderate and i can't. it's just not in my nature. always to a fault. they tell you the fucking rules before you even walk in motherfuckers!
i start picturing this smelly pirate hooker's head smashed into little bone pieces by my angry fists, her blood from my exertions coloring the floor red and squishing my feet around in her bodily fluids and brains that have seeped into the carpet and i worry that i'm going to have a bad class.
turns out, just after the beginning of class, i totally forgot about her and zoom right on in. i had a GREAT fucking class. i smiled genuinely the whole time. that wouldn't have happened this time last year. i would have had a shitty class and still been angry at the end and then i would have gotten angry at myself for being angry because EVERYONE is an asshole sometimes, maybe today was just her day.

so, this whole "taking care of myself" crap is finally starting to show some results. thanks ovaltine!

social networking etiquette

i'm not very good at the social networking thing, let's be honest here. so i have a scenario that i don't know what to do with:

say you have a "friend" on one of these sites. it's someone you met once - maybe twice - and you knew the crazy was there because you could just feel it, but you never thought you'd be the recipient of the crazy, so you went ahead and added them in total innocence. flash forward a bit and you find you ARE the recipient a little of the crazy.
you can't delete them as a friend because the crazy will become worse - you just don't have to see it as much, although the internet is kind of a good crazy buffer. the comments come, but you can't delete the comments (even though you REALLY want to) because they get the emails for when the comments are responded to and when they don't get any, they know you deleted them and then we have the same crazy situation as above.

i want to get rid of the crazy because i don't like how fragile it feels - i'm too much of a bull in a china shop for this kind of crazy - but how do you do it without being obvious and then hurting feelings and then possibly getting cut by a crazy the next time you see them in person??

THIS is why i don't dig the social networking.

any suggestions?

thinking

i've been completely unmotivated to write anything. that's weird because i usually write anything i would say on this thing. does that mean i have been unmotivated to say anything? prolly.

i'm sorry i've been neglectful. i think it's because i'm starting to integrate the hot yoga with the swimming. because THAT makes sense. HA!

i fucking rock

i gave someone a sex hangover.

that is what happens when this girl is not abided.

be warned. i'll probably do it to you too.

will penny

i'm pretty sure this might be my favorite charlton heston movie simply because charlton heston isn't being charlton heston through about 85% of the film. i'm not saying that charlton heston is bad, he's just... distinctive. and he kind of tamped that down in this movie. and it was awesome.
there were definitely charlton heston moments, but it wasn't a whole movies worth of charlton heston being charlton heston.

i also wanted to see how many times i could put charlton heston in a blog.

ps - the music was HORRIBLE in this film.

that's all.

uh-oh...

thoughts of kissing a nice man i met on friday night are creeping into my head. he has bunny rabbit hair in the good way. he's twinkly too.

i don't know anything about him, but my gut is fairly certain he's a man-whore. and he doesn't live here. hm. those are 2 good things.

email transcript

mom: no meat today. (it's good friday)

me: i already ate some. sorry jesus.

mom: how did i know you were going to say that?

i'm a BAD catholic.

age appropriateness?

why am i so judgy when it comes to "age appropriateness" and relationships? or even the potential for relationships?

example: there is a woman in my office who is 54. she looks about 44 and she's very pretty, but she still is 54 and is in the middle of getting divorced from a man she was married to for 34 years. i could write pages and pages on this person. in a mixed light. but, were i to sum her up: she's frustrating to me because she's someone who always needs to be taken care of and she makes people feel sorry for her because she says she can't do things that are well within her capabilities so that someone else will do it for her. i can't STAND that.
right now, there is a fairly good-looking, well-kept guy in our office to discuss spurs season tickets and stuff with the 2 managers in our office. he's MAYBE 32. i think he's 29. the 54 year old lady came into my office and asked me if i thought he was cute. i said, "meh, he's lukewarm. besides, he's short." and then she asked, "what about for me?" and instantly i think "WHAT?!". actually, several thoughts come into my head, but that was the loudest. there are so many reasons that she shouldn't even CONSIDER him, but how do you say that? you can't.
i ended up stammering out, "i think he's pretty young." she said, "what? 30s?" and i said, "no, i think late 20s." and that ended the conversation.

why do all these negative things come into my head in that situation? am i being protective of my potential dating pool even though that's not something i'm interested in right now? am i just instantly seeing the process of her getting her heart broken and saying no to protect her (because i don't want to deal with her with a broken heart and i know i'd have to)?

i'm really a lot more interested in dudes that are older than me (by a good 8-12 years or so) and live life knowing that the powers that be have a REALLY BIG sense of humor. these kind of people RARELY exist in my "dating pool". why did i have such a strong reaction to her being interested in this young slip of a man?

i guess i'm ok with cougarism only if the woman is independent. and she's the opposite of independent.

thinking

i really do love my tatas far too much. i think this is bordering on unhealthy. i could just play with them all day. ALL DAY. i have no idea why i'm noticing them so much more lately.

i know it's not a dot thing because i've been heartily admiring them for a good month or 2 straight. this is weird.

i think this is part of the reason my prison name is turd knocker.

thinking

i am positive that which wich puts addictive items in their sammiches.

wondering

why my gut is suddenly yearning to own a home. yearning to own a home that i can't afford.

i don't like this.

thinking

the sound of some heels walking on wood floors sounds eerily like the sound of a girl choking on a cock while deep throating. i think it's wedges that make that sound.

i also think i officially watch too much porn.

what??

um. i think i have a date on monday. whatever it is, i know it's going to end in fucking. but... i think it might be a date. that ends in fucking.

the word "plan" was used. you don't use "plan" with only fucking, right? at least not when it's 5 days away.
when you use "plan" with fucking it's a "let me PLAN on how to get my roommate out of the house for a few hours this afternoon so we can screw like wild monkeys"
not: "monday?" "sounds good" "do you want to PLAN it or should i?" WHAT??? (can i make that WHAT with 3 questions marks a little bigger to express my lack of understanding?) "i'll let you take the drivers seat on this one" "deal"

i don't know how to feel about this. i'm much more comfortable with the fucking than the date.

i haven't done that in a long time. i hope i remember how. HA! i say that like i knew how at one point.

this will be an adventure.

thinking

dreadlocks require a large amount of commitment.

thinking

mamma HURTS. that panic attack was a doozy. i don't think i've had one that bad since that one when i was in england. i want to sleep still. and stuff my mouth with food.

my poor body had a lot of tension to get out. i felt it getting super tight and then just releasing everything. and when i say "everything" i mean EVERYTHING. my panic attacks are a little messy.

i'm sorry darlin' corpse.

awwww shite

my computer is on it's last legs. oh, penelope, don't give me the sad face before i can get another one of you!

thinking

i may have out-written myself last night.

my brain is mushy and wants a cuddle.

knowing

a little bit of the good part of my brain seeps out of my head when i type the following:

"State of TX Policy Guaranty Fee"

i type this several times a day. i fully intend to be completely brain dead by the end of the year.

thinking

don't dish it out if you can't take it.

i don't like being right. i'd much prefer to be surprised. surprise me with your reasons for things. surprise me with a response instead of your constant silence.

wondering

why is the thought of a hand-job is so much more vile to me than the thought of a blow-job?

i love blow-jobs. i loathe hand-jobs. hand-jobs make me roll my eyes. blow-jobs make me wet. even the thought of them does. i like how cocks feel in my hand, but not for minutes at a time.

hm.

i feel dirty...

on the inside. and not in a good way.

i'm processing a loan for a dude that works for the world bank. i had to call and verify his employment. i felt the evil seeping through the phone.

i'm definitely in some kind of database now. not that i wasn't before, but now i KNOW it.

i want to take a shower. ewwwww...

swimming

was good this morning. it's all the things that surrounded it that sucked. no sleep, douchebag torturing an old man at the pool, and cold showers at the pool. blargh!

ps - fellas, if you have a penis and a tramp-stamp, you are officially a douche. yep, i'm totally being judgy.

thinking

i dream of lips i never should have kissed.

why "roadhouse" is the perfect movie

because it requires so much suspension of belief in reality.

"i used to fuck guys like you in prison."

ha!

oh, and there's john doe. and sam elliot. rawr!

a girl and her Texas: a love story

yes, i've lived here in austin going on 3 years now and i've known since i first stood foot in this town that it was for me and that we were going to have a great love affair.

the same couldn't be said for the state of texas though. i've always had a kind of tenuous, "hands-off" relationship with the rest of the state. there's a lot of desert here. and they're just on a gulf, not an ocean, so the waves are minimal unless there's a hurricane. and they have weird weather. oh, and my mom HATES TEXAS WITH A PASSION and has tried to instill that hatred in me since birth.
i'm still trying to find the beauty in desert. i'm sure that will come in time. until then, i found the beauty in the texas hill country which is looking a little like desert these days due to the fact that we had NO RAIN this winter.

it all began because this woman at work was telling me about this place that is the only working flower farm in texas - meaning they farm flowers for the seeds - and they have a nursery and flower fields that you can walk around in and you can cut your own flowers and they have a butterfly house. now, the way she described it, you'd have thought there were acres of magical flower forest and a multi-level castle of butterflies and loveliness. so, of course, i HAD to go! i decided on saturday morning and early so i could beat the crowds because we are in the middle of a string of PERFECT weather days. perfect. and i knew it'd be packed if i went too late and i'm not into packed.
it's about a 1.5 hour drive and i was on the road at 9:15am. when i'm fully on 290, i realize that texas' time is really the morning time. it's definitely a state that "wakes up" and part of the reason i fell in love with it today was getting to watch the state wake up on my drive. then, "texas music" (as in, artists from texas) started playing on my ipod. and IT ALL STARTED COMING TOGETHER. i can't explain it, but i'm now so enamored with my state that it's disgusting. i love the pride that people have in living here. i love that people have no shame in showing their pride. as a matter of fact, it's a competition to some to see who has more or the most. i love the weirdness. i love the fact that there's so much "old shit" here that every tiny town has at least 4 "rustic antique" stores.
i'm driving, becoming more enamored each mile, and i go through johnson city and just past it, i see this metal bull on the side of the road.

i had seen it before when we went to luckenbach, but i thought it was a fluke, so i didn't pay attention to it, but when i saw it again this time, i made a note to stop and take a photo of it on the way back.
i get to the flower place and... well... it's not what i imagined it would be. yes, they've got a HUGE nursery and a beer garden (yay!) but the flower field (note the singularity) left something to be desired - there weren't much more than poppies and bluebonnets blooming - and the butterfly "haus" (their spelling, not mine) was pretty tiny. still, i walked through the field and got some pretty pictures that might make it seem like more than it was. i also walked through the butterfly "haus" and get some neat pics in there, but it was really difficult to capture the constant motion in there from all the fluttering.

it was getting warm and i was hungry so i decided to take off and head back to austin. still falling in love with the dried up hill country on my way back, i was starting to compose some of this story in my head when i happened upon the bull again. i stopped, took some photos and noticed a small sign saying that the bull was part of a sculpture ranch that was about 5 miles up this little road. there were a couple of other sculptures there to whet your interest, so i decided to head up. it was free and i didn't have anything else to do. why not?? and a sculpture ranch? that just SOUNDS rad.
i drove down the road, which seemed a lot longer than 5 miles and it's one of those roads that someone would think you're taking them down to kill them because there is NOTHING AROUND to hear them die. the only thing that's on the road are signs: one warning you of "loose livestock" (i could go so many places with this) and the others gently urging you onto the sculpture ranch.
as you turn into a random drive, the sculptures begin. it was AMAZING. these huge, gorgeous pieces of art, set, literally, in the middle of nowhere - in the middle of this stark hill country. there's a half mile of sculptures lining the road up to a half-dome warehouse looking place - kind of like a metal greenhouse - this is the gallery. apparently, this artist has been around for 50 years and the gallery hosts pieces of his past works. as well, he's some kind of hermit and even the people who work the gallery haven't met him. the art in the gallery was stunning. it had so much depth and dimension, you are compelled to reach out and touch it just to make sure it's flat. then there's the rest of the ranch. there are 2 "trails" that you drive down to see all the sculptures on offer. it's kind of like one of those drive-thru safaris, but with art. majestic, beautiful art. i think it's better because it's set against this landscape.
i won't go into it anymore, because it's officially the "field trip" i'm taking every person on when they come visit austin. it would be a crime not to. this is my favorite photo from the ranch because this is how i felt when i found it:


so, i fall in love with this state, then i find this incredibly awe-inspiring piece of randomness. i think the cosmos needed me to love this place a lot today. and i did. and i still do.

all the photos will be on flickr by the end of the day sunday. i only took 232 pictures and am uploading 166 of them. and my flickr is SLOW.

partial transcript

of a conversation with someone where i'm trying to explain who leonard cohen is:

op: tell me a song of his i'd know

me (knowing this person and their tastes in music): hm, think of shrek. you know that slow, pretty, sad song towards the end during the "sad" part?

op: "hallelujah"? i love that song! it makes me cry!

me: he wrote that. that's not him performing it, but he wrote it.

op: OH!

shrek people. shrek. *shakes head in disappointment*

i hope mr. cohen made buckets of benjys for that one.

thinking

i have $600 burning a hole in my bank account - anyone have any suggestions as to how to blow it?

sometimes i hate that i'm not an inherent saver.

chelsea hotel no. 2

i'm going to start this entry with a demand: all you musicians out there who cover "chelsea hotel no. 2"?

stop it.

yes, i mean you. and you too. here's why:

1. EVERYONE COVERS THIS SONG. seriously, there was one day over sxsw that i heard this covered 3 times by 3 different artists. i think i heard it 6 times - at least - over the whole festival.
yes, i know, you get to say "giving me head on the unmade bed" and be all self-depreciating guy joe when it comes to the "she prefers handsome men, but for me she'll make an exception" part, but leonard cohen has a whole SHITLOAD of awesome songs that you can cover.

2. you will NEVER be better than the man himself singing it, so why even try?

end rant. begin swoon.

oh my jesus. this will go down as either being the awesomest idea i've had for a birthday ever or the worst idea i've had for my emotional well-being ever, i'm not sure.
leonard cohen is perfect. i can go into all of these gooey, flowery, completely applicable things about him, but you'll never know until you see him. i can't describe the energy he sets the stage with. i can't describe the boundless energy he has himself - how he's so perfectly practiced in reigning it in and smoothing it over the entire show. i can't describe the power and timbre of his voice that is still so profoundly amazing in a man of 74. you have to see it to believe it. if i weren't defective, you would have seen tears streaming down my face after the first song. my insides wanted to sob, but, of course, they ended up barfing.
it was the smartest $90 i've spent in a LONG time.

on the down-side: leonard cohen is made for lovers. ideally, he is not someone that you would go see alone. or, if you do go see him alone, there had better be someone waiting at home for you so you can get all up in their body when you get back. there is something far too sensual and profane (in a gentle, wonderful way) about his words and voice together that beget emotional upset and physical frustration if you don't have arms to wrap yourself in or necks to nuzzle or lips to kiss or bodies to explore.

i'm going to leave it at that.

feeling

like crap. i've had nothing but sugar and fruit all day.

can i throw up and start all over again?

thinking

one day i will walk into the coffee shop and someone will snort or chuckle or giggle when i say "squirt" with my order. it hasn't happened yet, but it will one day.

and that will be a good day.

swimming AND thinking

you get a 2fer:

swimming was short today because i was late and decided to nip that in the bud at the beginning of the day rather than letting it drag on through the day. and it was slow because my body didn't want to wake up, hence the reason i was late.

thinking - 2 things - 1. i don't want to be at work today.
2. work, "shoot 'em up", wine and quite possible sobbing at leonard cohen. not the EXACT birthday i'd choose, but it will do.

wishing

i could ditch work for the rest of the day and drive to fredericksburg to see the butterflies.

anyone have any good "leave work in the middle of the day" lies?

thinking

today will be better than yesterday. ANYTHING will be better than yesterday.

and charles laughton is amazing and completely underrated. as an actor and director.

that's all.