Sunday, May 31, 2009

open to suggestions...

i must be pmsing because i usually don't get "emotional" about this stuff, but... let me put this right on out there: i live a really lonesome existence. i know that 99.9999% of this i've cultivated and i've been pretty ok with it up until the past couple months. it's comfortable and manageable for me to be this way. i know how to be this way.
well, i'm tired of it now and i don't know how to fix this mess. i'm a master of meeting people and keeping them at an arms length. all the people that i LOVE i keep further away (physical distance only), worried that if they were closer, i wouldn't love them the way that i do. i don't know how to turn that page to become closer friends with people that live in the same town. yeah, it's as weird as it sounds.

usually, when i get this way, i'd just move on to another town and let the drama of that change encompass me for the next period of time until this feeling washed over me again and then repeat. but, i really like austin and there really isn't another place that jumps out at me right now as the "right" place to be besides here. i'm starting to like texas even. not to the point that i'd move elsewhere in the state to live, but i'm definitely learning to appreciate it.
i like the people that i've met here. a lot. 95% of them are awesome, but super-busy chicks (because they're awesome) that i would love to spend more time with and get closer to, but i feel like i'm imposing on their tiny amount of free time were i to suggest that we go out sometime.
granted, i've also met people that i don't want to spend more time with, but i appreciate them as acquaintances - i see them just enough. and wouldn't you know it, they're the ones that have the time and that i would be able to say "hey, let's go get a drink tonight" to and they'd accept. but they're not the people that i want to spend MORE time with. it's a stupid twisted circle.

i don't know what to do to remedy this situation. people say "go out more". well, i go out fairly frequently and on my own because of the situation above - how many of you would talk to some random girl that goes out on her own?? i'm starting to see how intimidating that is for most people. what does the random girl out on her own say to someone - especially to someone in a group/pair setting which is how most people here go out - to start a conversation and not have it be awkward or weird or imposing? people don't naturally gravitate toward me and i'm not a good opener. i'm a GREAT closer, but i suck pretty hard at initiating conversation with people.

it really struck me today with all the birthday celebrations going on lately. i've decided that the leonard cohen show on my birthday was the best thing that could have happened for me because, if there wasn't a show going on, i would have been alone with not a soul to call in town to have dinner or a drink with on my birthday. that heavy clank you just heard? that's the anvil of loneliness clanking down on my head and splooshing my brain everywhere. it's a horrible feeling to not have a local "emergency contact". *smile*

this isn't something i want sympathy for - it is what it is, i know that. this is something i want a SOLUTION for. and i just don't know where to start. and the idea of having no idea is really overwhelming. it doesn't help that i really am a painfully shy person at heart. GAH!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009


i had a dream this morning that mike doughty was staying in my spare bedroom. i gave him a blow-up bed and blankets figuring he'd know what to do with them. when i went in to check in on him, he had the bed laid out flat and deflated with the blankets in top of it, intending to sleep like that. while getting him blown up, this woman came in furious that jon dee graham was wandering around in my backyard. so furious that she got some peanut m&ms and bit something out of them and intended to get him the hell out of there. like the biting the m&m made it explosive or something. she goes to the backyard and comes back because he'd already left but, while she was out there, she saw lance armstrong sitting on top of my porch cover, just chillin', looking like he'd just finished his nightly bike ride. she didn't say anything to him, but came inside and ranted to me about it - she wouldn't shut-up. lance saw this through mike's window and stood up and walked back up these wooden, white-washed stairs that randomly led from his backyard to my porch top. then i woke up.

this is a lot of dream for someone who didn't get a lot of sleep. why do i name-drop so much in dreams? hm.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009


i might be falling in love with henry miller all over again - from a totally different perspective.
i love his liberal use of the word "cunt" and i love the way he conjugates it. well, i consider it liberal, but someone who isn't as completely enchanted with the word as i am may say that overuse may be a better word.
granted, he's not for everyone. he switches from mini-plot to stream-of-consciousness without the slightest hesitation or warning which might throw a lot of people off. he has seemingly unflowery moments, but what they really are are flowery moments on unflowery topics. i like that he tells it like it is and doesn't beat around the bush, he just fucks you with it.

i think he's making me a word drunk.

Friday, May 22, 2009


there's this horrible clicking on my work phone that is random and painful.

i think that "they" are trying to brain-wash me using morse code. DAMMIT!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

it has gotten bad enough...

that the landlord has been called. the cat poop in the ac smell that is. it BURNS MY SINUSES WHEN I BREATHE. i hope he can fix it.

this is the first time i've had to call a landlord for anything and i feel weiird about it, but i'm not going to live through a texas summer with this smell. i might get toxoplasmosis. HA!

Friday, May 15, 2009


last night at the video store, i saw a man who was directly in the middle of cute, handsome and "come eat me NOW".


Thursday, May 14, 2009

thinking... musically

i've been neglecting you darling! it's been a little crazy at work and i've only wanted to escape at home, so you've been left by the way-side.

anyhoo, i'm listening to the new wilco like 3/4ths of the hipster population of austin is right now. let me be honest here, i've not listened to a LICK of wilco before. i just know of them, well, because people don't ever stop talking about them. i kind of feel bad about it now too. musically, this is right up my alley. if i astral-projected into someone else who listened to these guys and met me knowing my love of music, i would slap me for not listening to them before.
BUT, i'm not really feelin' it. from listening to this album ONLY, i kind of feel like they're the radiohead of alt-country/americana - so full of themselves that they can't stand it and wholly lacking in a sense of humor. these guys sound really jayhawks-ish. am i remembering correctly that one is an off-shoot of another? and uncle tupelo is in this mix somewhere, right? it's all one big, incestuous, americana love-fest... with no joy on the inside.

i could be totally wrong about this. maybe i need to listen to these guys in the car. maybe i need to listen to them on shuffle. i dunno, but they're not doin' it for me right now.

i'm totally open to album suggestions that might sway me.

Monday, May 11, 2009


i feel like i may just have a banner year this year. a banner year of fucking. i know i'm getting a late start, but i'm all about making up for lost time.

here's hoping i'm right.

Sunday, May 10, 2009


sucked sweaty monkey balls today. and not because i have treated my body like crap this weekend, which could have been a valid excuse, but because people are inconsiderate assholes.
this woman got in my lane while i was swimming and just STOOD in front of me. wasn't moving. in the middle of the lane. if i weren't paying attention (as i shouldn't be during an ideal swim) i would have run smack into her. as it was, i stood up in front of her mid-stride and she gave me this horrified look like WHY WAS I IN HER FUCKING LANE?!?!?

that was only the straw that broke the camel's back during the swim today.

i just want my water and black line. i don't want to have to think of anything else but that black line. dammit.

Friday, May 8, 2009


was easy this morning. the water was light and gauzy in a neat way. like swimming through a silvery, black-fairy forest.

Thursday, May 7, 2009


i bought this overly-large, meant-for-the-outdoors mobile about a month and a half ago. when i put it up in my bedroom, it was a LOT bigger than i thought it was and i just didn't like it there, but i left it up to see if it would grow on me. for the 3 weekends following, i intended to take it down and figure out another use for it. then i just forgot about it. but it's so large that you can't help but know its there.

just now i looked up at it from bed and said, "i can't believe you're still there. you don't get in my way and you haven't annoyed me enough yet for me to get rid of you. you're like the perfect boy."

Wednesday, May 6, 2009


i shouldn't have gotten out of bed today.

i need thin mint ice cream and a which wich.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

what the hell??

why haven't i read this before? how does this guy know how to put into words how i feel about LIFE (as cheeseily dramatic as it sounds)??

"... it's as though one had actually died and actually been resurrected again; one lives a supernormal life, like the chinese. that is to say, one is unnaturally gay, unnaturally healthy, unnaturally indifferent. the tragic sense is gone...
loneliness is abolished, because all values, your own included, are destroyed. sympathy alone flourishes, but it's not a human sympathy, a limited sympathy - it is something monstrous and evil. you care so little that you can afford to sacrifice yourself for anything or anybody. at the same time your interest, your curiosity, develops at an outrageous pace."

its always been hard for me to get across to people how i feel about how i live my life in general and this NAILS IT ON THE HEAD. i'm not saying its for everyone and i'm not saying its necessarily even good for me - the explanation may seem a little harsh, but it's honest and aptly descriptive. that's how i'd explain it now. the underlined parts most.


...starring chuck prophet.
time: now. setting: i'm at a concert in a random field - tim easton is playing with his band - and i'm talking to this canadian dude about everything and nothing. i only know he's canadian because he looks like a mountain man and says "aboot" and he just has a sense of being canadian. there aren't a lot of people there, but when i'm done talking to the canadian dude, i noticed that more people had showed up. more people like lou, steve, john doe and chuck prophet amongst others (that i couldn't put names with).
john doe had a bushy beard and was still hot and was standing in front of the "barricade" that separated the band from the crowd (it was a loose rope) like he was going to sing some stuff with them, but he didn't. chuck was somewhere behind me in the crowd. lou was talking with chuck. steve popped up beside me and i asked him what he was doing there and how long he was going to be around - he said he was doing some children's benefit something or other and that he was only in town for that day. and then i told him that john doe was up there and steve said "he's so hot" dreamily.
then the show was over and i find lou. he and chuck are talking in this tent and i just saddle-up beside lou and listen to what they're talking about. they're talking like they've known each other for years - like lou always does with people. i ask chuck if he's in town for his show and he says yes, but then i think to myself "that's not until next week." then i ask if he's here the whole time and he said yes and i left it at that. then we leave the tent and chuck, being the gangly "stretch armstrong-ish" dude he his, hits his head on the top of the tent and is kind of fidgeting to get out of there. then lou has to go somewhere and chuck grabs my hand and pulls me running into this field with a huge swing-set. the swing set is odd because it has a couple of normal swings on it, but on either end, there are these ribbon/rope swings where you are swinging on them from your feet, but in a good way. so chuck takes off all his clothes and gets on one end of the feet swing and starts swinging so high. then, not one to let anyone feel singled out for being naked, i take off all my clothes, watch him swing a little bit more and then i get on the feet swing on the other end and just soar through the air and twist and spin and just fly real real high - full of laughs and smiles and fun - this was happy flying. it was awesome! then, when i was at a peak i noticed little dots of people below - i got the sense they were kids - and then i get a fade out.
fade back in to me and tori at my house getting my mail. for some reason i share a mailbox with one other person and the mailman punches a hole in all my mail so we know who's mail is who's. in the mailbox, there are all these empty, folded up bags from fancy places, all with holes punched in them, marked "paris". i seem to know what these are and i roll my eyes and say, "why does steve always send me empty bags from paris? always empty bags. why can't he send me chocolates? just once, chocolates from paris?" and then i woke up.

anyone care to interpret?

Monday, May 4, 2009

Saturday, May 2, 2009


how does my iTunes know when the truckees should come on?? dammit!!

ps - i'm drunk.


i'm fairly certain that "soylent green" has been firmly planted in my top 10 movies ever. WHOA.


Friday, May 1, 2009


i don't want to be at work right now - i want to go home. on the way, i want to stop by hobby lobby and get a couple of medium canvases and some more paint and then stop at the licker store and pick up a bottle of pernod.
then, when i get home, i want to take a nap for about an hour or so, go to hot yoga, take a cold shower, chill-out and start chugging some pernod (that ain't no sipping licker). then i want to get all licorice-y and start painting.

i want to do this NOW. not this weekend. NOW.

violently opposed... ranch-style houses. yep, that's what i sussed out of my trip to california last weekend. i am VIOLENTLY OPPOSED to ranch-style houses... and PUDs. to the point where, if - when i start to look for a home here in austin (another blog for another time) - my realtor shows me a ranch-style house thinking i would want to live there, i'm going to kick them so hard their grandchildren will feel it.
it will be one of my few requirements for a house: no ranch-style, no PUD, yes to a porch and yes to a hidden tunnel filled with elves that make delicious ice cream all day long. for free.

nan - i hope you're reading this because i don't want to have to kick you. i'm 150% sure you could take me.