blackout

living in texas, one is always on the look-out for ways to keep cool in the summer. there is a constant quest for chillows and "personal coolers", ice cream, cold beverages, cold food - anything that will keep you cooled down a little.

with all these cooling options available, i've been pretty content, with my sole gripe about the summers being sleeping in on the weekends.
during the week, i wake up before the sun tops the trees, so i don't get direct sunlight in my room (the only room in my place that has an eastern-facing window) until i've blown that joint for the day.
the weekends are another story. i relish being able to sleep in until a double-digit hour is showing on my clock, which means that the sun is coming up on full power and shining through my nice little east window. while the ac is on, the thermostat is in a room where it's significantly cooler than my room at the heat of the morning and it gets pretty uncomfortable in there, so i decided to invest in a set of blackout curtains to see if it would help with the late morning sleep-ins. while i haven't had a chance to test the late morning sleep-in part - that will be for this weekend - it has made a significant difference at night already. it's SO dark and quiet in there now that i think it's making it harder for me to get to sleep. it's kind of frustrating. well, my inherent weirdness about the whole thing is kind of frustrating. GAH!

**UPDATE: first weekend with blackout curtains = perfect! but i had a lot to help me sleep besides. hm**

frustrated

that i can't figure out how to start my blog about new mexico. i'm not one of those people that can write some of it and then add something at the top, i need a genesis for it all to flow from.

maybe hot yoga will sweat it out of me.

thinking...

i would very much like to look like diane lane when i get to be her age.

hell, i would very much like to look like her right now. dang. she's pretty.

i think i just figgered something out!

i was standing at stove this morning, making my usual breakfast, basking in a post-painting think pod.
i was wondering why it is that the painting comes so slowly and sporadically for me. why, when i can bust out some mean paper crafts or knit something like nobody's business, does the painting gloop out like molasses in the winter? why it is, to get something started with paint and a canvas, it's like breaking through a wall of jelly that's been in the fridge for too long?

then i realized: art (for me) is following your own instructions or following no instructions at all.

things like knitting and paper crafts and sewing are inherently instructional - instructions that other people have already figured out. sew a straight line to get this hem. purl, purl, knit, yarn over to get this look on a stitch, fold the paper this way to get this animal. but paint to canvas... you make your own instructions. you decide what color or shape or stroke will translate what is in your brain to what wants to come out onto the canvas.
all my life, i've been living under some kind of instruction handed out by others. i might have manipulated those instructions to get the result i wanted, but there were still "guidelines". this is totally free of that and, up until a little while ago, that seriously intimidated and crippled whatever is/was in me. hell, it still does, but now it just feels right to dive into it and swim around in that intimidation to see what it can do to me.

after careful observation, i've noted that once i break through that wall of jelly, whatever needs to come out, comes out fast and furious (ha!), but until then, i fidget and squirm and it's a weird - oddly physical - struggle to let it out. i thought i would need some licker of some kind to get me going last night, but when i couldn't get the pernod open after 10 minutes and removing the top layer of skin from my hands, i gave up on that and said, FUCK IT! I CAN DO THIS BY MYSELF! i sat there, listening to mink deville and tried to take my time (that is HARD) and it started coming out. ALL BY ITSELF. yay!

i think that, once i get comfortable with the no instruction, guideline or structure, this painting stuff is going to come out a lot faster and easier. i'm not saying it's good, but at least it'll get out. hm.

thinking...

i know i posted this big whole long rant a couple of weeks ago about "it" being all "worth it" and stuff, and while that's how i was feeling then and i definitely needed the catharsis of letting that out, i'm re-thinking and feeling differently now.

i am pretty in love with the family i've gathered throughout the years. especially due to that cuntie darling, steve. i can't believe the sheer amount and force of the creative, sweet, hilarious, talented and wonderful people that surround this guy and that i've had the honor and pleasure to meet. i hope some of it rubs off on me someday.

i think this new-found appreciation also came along when i realized that it's easier to love and appreciate this when you aren't expecting anything in return - seeing things and people and situations at face value because there are a LOT more incredibly rad people out there than we give credit for. you just hear about the shitty people more because they make "better news".

i just needed to get that out. now onto our regularly scheduled programming.

i have a feeling...

that the following words will be said at some time, by some person this weekend:

"my toe stand is a hot mess."

oddly, this makes me even more excited for the weekend.

carrot interrupted.

so, today i had what one would call a "breakdown" at work. in front of everyone. on my drive home for lunch, it turned into a "meltdown" because i started thinking on a lot of things, but mainly that i couldn't think of one valid reason that i deal with the crap i do on a daily basis. the question of the day then popped into my head:

"is it worth it?"

and then, a follow-up question that saddened me even more popped into my head:

"what is this "it" that all of this is supposed to be worth?"

i don't mean this in some deep, metaphysical, metaphorical, meditative kind of way. i mean, i want a hard, tangible answer to this question.
for some lucky bastards, their "it" is their work. i would give anything to fall into this category. for others, it's love (as dopey as it sounds), or their kids and family... money... power... glory... fame... to be "remembered" when they're gone... drugs and drink, or simply the pursuit of some or all of the things mentioned.

i don't know what my "it" is. i don't even know what category it would even vaguely fall into and that poses a problem. i don't have any of the things/feelings/situations mentioned above and i don't feel like i ever will really and that makes me feel pretty empty and, really, fucking sad as shit.

love isn't my "it". i've tried it and realized that i love takers. loving takers is draining and unfulfilling because there is literally no replenishment. of spirit. of life. of love. of reason. of anything.

my work. i do a job everyday that i'm good at but i have no passion for and i don't enjoy. i do it because it pays the bills, but just barely. it lets me maintain an existence. it doesn't help me expand or broaden an existence, it doesn't allow me new and fulfilling experiences, it doesn't challenge me and i don't grow from it. it simply sustains the meager existence i'm living now.
if i had something i was passionate about, that i loved doing, that fulfilled me and challenged me, that would be one thing - i could rationalize working a job like mine because it would allow me to do my "it".
if i had someone who lived in my town that i liked to spend time with and travel with and have experiences of any kind with, i could rationalize this job because i would be working to spend time with people i enjoy on a frequent basis.
as it is, i have nothing like that. nothing to rationalize my dealing with this shit on a day-to-day basis. and i don't have anyone who's chest i can bury my face in and vent/cry about this. i don't have anyone to stroke my hair and tell me that it's going to work out, however it's going to work out.

and it truly hit me today that i don't have an "it" for anything to be worth. or so it feels. some may say that i've got friends - which i do, great ones, that i see only 2-3 times a year, if that. is the interim 360 times that i don't see them worth it? or the times that i need someone physically right here and right now worth it? it doesn't feel like it at this point. i've pushed on alone for so long hoping that there's a reason for it and i'm so tired of trying and pushing and feeling like i'm forcing my way through my day, my week, month... whatever slice of time you want to put in there. it doesn't feel like this struggle is going to end anytime soon either.
the trouble with all this is, i don't have anything with which to remedy this situation. i feel so lost and alone right now - not in the "i'm the only one who's ever gone through this so no one can understand" kind of way, but in the "is this ever going to fucking end and why won't anyone help me out of it?!" kind of way. it feels like this rosy veil has been lifted and i'm seeing things as they really are for me and it's not pretty. i truly do live a dreary existence - wake up, swim (an inherently solo sport), work for 9 hours taking care of people who will never take care of me, yoga (another inherently solo venture), go home, eat, watch a movie and go to sleep only to do it all over again the next day. there isn't a hug in there anywhere. there isn't a smile, there isn't warmth or human touch, it just is. and i think to myself, "i work to maintain THIS???! everyday??"

i don't know where this is coming from. it's not a pity party. it just is what it is and it's pretty disheartening and depressing. everyone deserves to have a hug everyday if they want one.

my imaginary dangling carrot has disappeared. i hate this.

the devil is in the details

as is the case with memphis as i noticed while i was on my 5 hour walk of the town today.
from my hotel, it's about a half a mile through town until i get to the "developed" part of town... the peabody, peabody place, beale street, etc. until you get there though, it's a half mile of gorgeous building that are abandoned. gorgeous buildings with broken and boarded-up windows. gorgeous buildings that need just the smallest amount of attention and they can be breathtaking, beautiful, useable jewels again. then you get out of this 5 (maybe) block radius of "developed" town and it's back to dilapidated buildings, empty lots, lots of low industrial buildings, etc. no matter what part i was walking in, i was greeted with nothing but genuine cordiality, true southern hospitality. from dudes working. from people on their breaks. from people who are from here and will stay here and will persevere through whatever happens in this town.

there is a soft energy around this town that isn't perceptible unless you're looking for it. it's a town on the edge of SOMETHING but no one can tell you what. this thing that's going to happen, it's either going to be really great or really bad and everyone here is waiting for it because there's nothing you can do until you see what it's going to be. they're ready to strike whether is a good or bad thing. and because of that, i sincerely hope that it's great. if i had my way, i would LOVE to be apart of what's going to happen, if it falls to the positive, wonderful side of things.
from my extremely limited experience here, this town has 5 things going for it that i can see: fedex, this 2 block piece of corporate hell called beale street, the history, graceland and the people. the last item is really what is going to make of break this place when whatever happens, happens.
this place also has a lot to overcome - from my end alone, i know there is a MAJOR home foreclosure issue here that rivals california, florida and chicago. enough that this is one of 6 places in the country that we WON'T lend because the foreclosure scene is so prevalent. and, again from my field of knowledge, i've noticed that there aren't any credit unions here - just banks. even a federal reserve bank branch (SKEEVEY EVILNESS!). i know that seems like a little thing, but, historically, credit unions are harbingers of good and bolster local economies. they're all about keeping everything local and giving back to their communities. banks are takers and energy suckers in a lot of ways.
there is so much potential here. and potential to make it something wonderful. not something corporate, not something yuppie, not something hipster, not something "expected". this place can be magic - it's brimming at the surface, someone or something just needs to break it open.

i came here mainly because i wanted a long drive, wanted to get out of texas, but needed to be back by monday morning for work. i think i accomplished that and fell in love with the potential of a town. look who's a multi-tasker!

swimming

why the heck did i stop for so long??? for the past month and a half i haven't been - i've been on the hot yoga track - and i just went this morning and i fuckin' rock at it and i feel great!

wednesday is going to be the true test of rockin'-ness, but i effin' nailed it this morning! it makes me feel like i'm going to have a kick-ass day! i should bookmark this blog entry and read it when i need motivation to keep going.

yay endorphins!

the painfully obvious

this is for all the people who ask me if i'm seeing anyone when i talk to them:
i just got told that i attract my dad AND what i want in dudes. and since i want my freedom and to be left alone sometimes, i get that. in my dad. my dad who was just around to eat and sleep and watch movies or pensacola: wings of gold. so i'm attracting dudes that leave me alone, kind of counterproductive. meh.
and i just thought back on a few from the past few years and it's pretty effin' true. one of them even looked eerily like my dad did at that age.

would you want to see anyone when you're working with that?

FREAKY.

atoms are forming on the window pane

i don't want to go totally into last night's dream, but i think i need to get one thing down for posterity and in case i need it at a later time:

"atoms are forming on the window pane"

that was before the yelling happened.

noticing

i've met a lot of ladies lately that say they don't "do" oral. and then make a disgusted face about it.

REALLY??!

i mean, that's something i LOVE to do. and i'm not just saying that. now, i understand that i don't have the same sexual appetite as a lot of people out there, but to be DISGUSTED by the thought? and it's SO limiting and closed minded!
i know that i have to temper it and i learned the hard way that i need to have them be the giver first before i slap some cock in my mouth or it's going to be a never ending spiral of one-sided giving, but i can't imagine being disgusted by the thought.

dudes out there, i feel sorry for you if you meet the ladies i've met lately who "just don't do that". what a sad existence for your cock. i know some dudes who don't reciprocate, but i don't fuck them. as a matter of fact, it's one of the first questions i ask when i meet someone that i might want to do: "do you go diving at the Y?" if the answer is no, then my answer is no. full stop.

besides the physical parts of it, there are so many other implications that go along with NOT doing that. i could go on and on about that, but i won't. i just wanted to make my truly sad observation. *sigh*

thinking

this weekend is exactly what i needed. i got D.I.R.T.Y. - like christina aguilera wearing assless chaps in a mud wrestling ring dirty. i'm kinda tore up. and i feel invigorated.

here's hoping for more just like it.

pondering

why do i sometimes get this bug up my butt about wanting to know what's going on with people from my past lives? i've known some rad people and then had to give them up for the good of the situation. there's a reason they're in my past.
i got just such a bug and started "facebooking" them (i can't believe i just used that as a verb) and found some of them. and they're sprogged up. ALL OF THEM. and not just one little sproglet. a TRIBE of sprogs all of them have. it's so weird to think of these people as parents. i really could only imagine one of them as a parent and even the thought of him as a parent was stretching it.

then i start wondering why the thought of a conventionally "normal" life is so weird to me. it makes me think i was put together wrong. rather, it makes me think of baby tomato plants. you know how you're supposed to guide them along a stake in the garden until they get their footing and can wind up the stake on their own? i don't think i was pointed toward the "normal" stake. i don't think i was pointed toward a stake at all, i was just left to see what i could grab onto. i like what i've found, but there are times (VERY few times) where i wonder what my life would be like if i had been pointed toward that "normal" stake. hm.

thinking

i'm addicted to sweet leaf pomegranate green tea.

i wish i could buy it in jugs.

my dreams are funny

so, i had this dream last night that included a lot of stuff that i don't remember now - the only part that i remember is the following:

i was lying in a hospital bed and 2 nurses were patting my face trying to revive me - as though i had passed out or something - and one of them was holding a newborn baby. as soon as i fully woke up, that thing attached to my boob to start breast-feeding. and it was one of those moments like the movies where everything starts moving in fast-forward motion and all these feelings and thoughts come flooding back to you. i felt like i was getting washed away by a heavy tide.
i knew that i was the biological mother, but that i wasn't going to be the mom, so i started pushing it away and wriggling to get it off me going "NOOOOOOO!!!" the whole time. i even remember saying that i didn't want it to eat from me because i didn't want to bond with it and didn't want it to bond with me because i wasn't going to be the mommy.

and for the first time ever (without having a leg cramp) i actually woke up "abruptly" from a dream. now, the reason this is funny: i go to these dream dictionaries to see what breast-feeding means and then i was just going to negate it and that's what the dream is supposed to mean, right? well, here's what it means:
"To dream that you are breast feeding, symbolizes tenderness, love, nurturance, and motherly love. Good things will be at your grasp. Alternatively, the dream suggests that you need to be careful in who you confide in."

so, were i to use this definition, i would be pushing love away. HA! this is so me. like i needed to be reminded that this is what i do.

idiots.

clarity!

at least for the issue at hand for me. this just means no house. and it *hopefully* means i'm not going to be in this office this time next year. it means a lot of saving. it means maybe not coming back here as soon as i expect. i feel a lot of fun and learning. i feel like i might actually be able to run away.
maybe some freakishly tall and sterile dutch man will sweep me off my feet with his square face, dark hair, light eyes and brain full of logic. maybe some normal height, broad, dark, greek fisherman will win me over with his smelliness and light-hearted hilarity. maybe i will meet the most giant japanese man who will try and be my sugar-daddy. but, i feel in my gut that it will be the predictable for me: burly irish fella with dark, curly hair and twinkling eyes and an always smiling, laughing face will roll over me and take me away without my even knowing it.
and the ladies! i can't even IMAGINE the awesome chicks i'm going to meet.
all of these thoughts are going to get me through the scraping i'm going to have to do over the next year. WOO HOO!

tiny breakthrough

it only took 30 years, but i think my mom is finally starting to understand a little bit where i'm coming from with something in my life. she actually said something i needed to hear and helped put some stuff into perspective.

little victories. i'll take the little victories.

i also hate...

when my customer service calls get routed to india. they're not helpful and, well...

PEOPLE HERE NEED FUCKING JOBS. GIVE THE PEOPLE HERE JOBS SO I DON'T HAVE TO REPEAT MYSELF 14 TIMES!!!

i'm all for helping other countries out and hooking them up with jobs, but we really need to take care of ourselves first. it's like any relationship - you can't be any good in a relationship unless you take care of yourself first.

soooooo frustrating.

thinking...

i am low low low.

L

O

W

.

i need someone besides me to kick my ass out of this rut.