Tuesday, July 7, 2009

carrot interrupted.

so, today i had what one would call a "breakdown" at work. in front of everyone. on my drive home for lunch, it turned into a "meltdown" because i started thinking on a lot of things, but mainly that i couldn't think of one valid reason that i deal with the crap i do on a daily basis. the question of the day then popped into my head:

"is it worth it?"

and then, a follow-up question that saddened me even more popped into my head:

"what is this "it" that all of this is supposed to be worth?"

i don't mean this in some deep, metaphysical, metaphorical, meditative kind of way. i mean, i want a hard, tangible answer to this question.
for some lucky bastards, their "it" is their work. i would give anything to fall into this category. for others, it's love (as dopey as it sounds), or their kids and family... money... power... glory... fame... to be "remembered" when they're gone... drugs and drink, or simply the pursuit of some or all of the things mentioned.

i don't know what my "it" is. i don't even know what category it would even vaguely fall into and that poses a problem. i don't have any of the things/feelings/situations mentioned above and i don't feel like i ever will really and that makes me feel pretty empty and, really, fucking sad as shit.

love isn't my "it". i've tried it and realized that i love takers. loving takers is draining and unfulfilling because there is literally no replenishment. of spirit. of life. of love. of reason. of anything.

my work. i do a job everyday that i'm good at but i have no passion for and i don't enjoy. i do it because it pays the bills, but just barely. it lets me maintain an existence. it doesn't help me expand or broaden an existence, it doesn't allow me new and fulfilling experiences, it doesn't challenge me and i don't grow from it. it simply sustains the meager existence i'm living now.
if i had something i was passionate about, that i loved doing, that fulfilled me and challenged me, that would be one thing - i could rationalize working a job like mine because it would allow me to do my "it".
if i had someone who lived in my town that i liked to spend time with and travel with and have experiences of any kind with, i could rationalize this job because i would be working to spend time with people i enjoy on a frequent basis.
as it is, i have nothing like that. nothing to rationalize my dealing with this shit on a day-to-day basis. and i don't have anyone who's chest i can bury my face in and vent/cry about this. i don't have anyone to stroke my hair and tell me that it's going to work out, however it's going to work out.

and it truly hit me today that i don't have an "it" for anything to be worth. or so it feels. some may say that i've got friends - which i do, great ones, that i see only 2-3 times a year, if that. is the interim 360 times that i don't see them worth it? or the times that i need someone physically right here and right now worth it? it doesn't feel like it at this point. i've pushed on alone for so long hoping that there's a reason for it and i'm so tired of trying and pushing and feeling like i'm forcing my way through my day, my week, month... whatever slice of time you want to put in there. it doesn't feel like this struggle is going to end anytime soon either.
the trouble with all this is, i don't have anything with which to remedy this situation. i feel so lost and alone right now - not in the "i'm the only one who's ever gone through this so no one can understand" kind of way, but in the "is this ever going to fucking end and why won't anyone help me out of it?!" kind of way. it feels like this rosy veil has been lifted and i'm seeing things as they really are for me and it's not pretty. i truly do live a dreary existence - wake up, swim (an inherently solo sport), work for 9 hours taking care of people who will never take care of me, yoga (another inherently solo venture), go home, eat, watch a movie and go to sleep only to do it all over again the next day. there isn't a hug in there anywhere. there isn't a smile, there isn't warmth or human touch, it just is. and i think to myself, "i work to maintain THIS???! everyday??"

i don't know where this is coming from. it's not a pity party. it just is what it is and it's pretty disheartening and depressing. everyone deserves to have a hug everyday if they want one.

my imaginary dangling carrot has disappeared. i hate this.

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