Sunday, May 31, 2009

open to suggestions...

i must be pmsing because i usually don't get "emotional" about this stuff, but... let me put this right on out there: i live a really lonesome existence. i know that 99.9999% of this i've cultivated and i've been pretty ok with it up until the past couple months. it's comfortable and manageable for me to be this way. i know how to be this way.
well, i'm tired of it now and i don't know how to fix this mess. i'm a master of meeting people and keeping them at an arms length. all the people that i LOVE i keep further away (physical distance only), worried that if they were closer, i wouldn't love them the way that i do. i don't know how to turn that page to become closer friends with people that live in the same town. yeah, it's as weird as it sounds.

usually, when i get this way, i'd just move on to another town and let the drama of that change encompass me for the next period of time until this feeling washed over me again and then repeat. but, i really like austin and there really isn't another place that jumps out at me right now as the "right" place to be besides here. i'm starting to like texas even. not to the point that i'd move elsewhere in the state to live, but i'm definitely learning to appreciate it.
i like the people that i've met here. a lot. 95% of them are awesome, but super-busy chicks (because they're awesome) that i would love to spend more time with and get closer to, but i feel like i'm imposing on their tiny amount of free time were i to suggest that we go out sometime.
granted, i've also met people that i don't want to spend more time with, but i appreciate them as acquaintances - i see them just enough. and wouldn't you know it, they're the ones that have the time and that i would be able to say "hey, let's go get a drink tonight" to and they'd accept. but they're not the people that i want to spend MORE time with. it's a stupid twisted circle.

i don't know what to do to remedy this situation. people say "go out more". well, i go out fairly frequently and on my own because of the situation above - how many of you would talk to some random girl that goes out on her own?? i'm starting to see how intimidating that is for most people. what does the random girl out on her own say to someone - especially to someone in a group/pair setting which is how most people here go out - to start a conversation and not have it be awkward or weird or imposing? people don't naturally gravitate toward me and i'm not a good opener. i'm a GREAT closer, but i suck pretty hard at initiating conversation with people.

it really struck me today with all the birthday celebrations going on lately. i've decided that the leonard cohen show on my birthday was the best thing that could have happened for me because, if there wasn't a show going on, i would have been alone with not a soul to call in town to have dinner or a drink with on my birthday. that heavy clank you just heard? that's the anvil of loneliness clanking down on my head and splooshing my brain everywhere. it's a horrible feeling to not have a local "emergency contact". *smile*

this isn't something i want sympathy for - it is what it is, i know that. this is something i want a SOLUTION for. and i just don't know where to start. and the idea of having no idea is really overwhelming. it doesn't help that i really am a painfully shy person at heart. GAH!

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