my arm tucked tightly in the crook of your elbow, my hand wrapped up around your arm. i feel tall walking next to you, as though i'm a match for you tonight, even though you tower a head over me. you squeeze me closer to you as you walk me to my car - in step, in silence.
it's drizzling but not enough to notice, not enough to get wet.
when we get to the car, we hold onto each other as though we are the last things we will ever hold. it's not urgent, it's not binding, it's not gripping. it's not fraught with need, only with want - newly realized want. this is what holding should be. we envelop each other equally; my face buried in your chest, your face buried in my hair.
after a long while, we look at each other, smile and say "hi", seeing one another through a new pair of eyes. six years of curiosity, wonder, unspoken and undefinable feelings and inexplicable kinship come to a head as lips meet. tentatively at first, neither truly expecting to find that they are magnets willing themselves together; spinning around each other's surface trying to find the most sticky spot, only to find that they are all sticky in vastly different ways. furtive exploration of mouths and cheeks and tongues and chins ensues: wordlessly, breathlessly.
you pull away abruptly, sighing forcefully, saying "we shouldn't have done that." i stumble over the usual words - the wrong words - for what feels like hours when, in the heat of the moment, you exclaim - proclaim - that my wrong words are right for you, my wrong words are what you want.
confirmation that the heat of the moment is the truest of moments.
it was so unexpected that i didn't ask for clarification. i didn't ask the questions that later popped into my head, into my "right" mind. that was probably for the best.
i rest my forehead on your chest, neither of us want to let go, nor do we know how to proceed. we catch our breath and look at each other again, navigating eyes and faces to find out where we are, forgetting the magnets that live in our lips as they meet again - the only natural course, the only natural response. we give in and let them guide us, pausing for breath but no more words.
your pocket buzzes: the herald reminding us that time continues on and ours is coming to a close. our lips meet again in what we silently tell each other is a farewell kiss, foolishly thinking we have a modicum of control where out mouths are concerned. when they've had their momentary fill, we breathe and unexpected words of intimacy and consolation spill forth from the unknown: whispered softly, heard loudly.
we kiss once more - this time, more in control of our faculties - and say good bye with admonishments to take care of ourselves: take care of ourselves in exactly the way we know we can't right now.
we detach our bodies
gripping arms
sliding down to hands
as we back away from each other, not wanting to break the connection.
it's only after you're standing on the sidewalk and i've opened the car door do i realize that it's raining. really raining. and it has been the whole time, evidenced only by my hand plastering my hair to my face as i try to pry my mind from the fog.
***
this is a first time. this is a moment in time. perhaps it will be another year - another six years - before it happens again for the second time. but now i finally know what all those fairy tale kisses are about: those princesses are being awakened from an old habit, an old notion, an old feeling and seeing the world with new eyes - no more terrible vision. there is an energy within now; not nervous or anxious or scared, but an energy that requires attention: a whirlwind in the heart that finally started spinning the right way.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
what i require
for the past 10 years i've been stubbornly single while secretly flirting with the idea of a relationship. with a dude. that i can kiss and hug and talk to and have sex with. sometimes dangerously so, sometimes disastrously so, sometimes shamelessly so. i've broken my own heart countless times in thinking about it, ogling and leering at it. i've been my own personal tease.
and since the tease is all about being vague, i have been afraid to put into words what i require in a romantic partner. afraid because words can limit the possibilities of awesomeness of this mythical person. i haven't lived enough life to know what this "everything" that a partner should be entails - i hope to never know because that means i'm still being surprised. i have been afraid because these words, while not carved in stone, are most definitely not drawn in sand either, making it hard to justify changes and corrections and evolutions.
i equate stating what i require to defining a "type" and i don't have a "type" to be honest. at least not in the conventional definition - i have no feature requirements (barring height because i've learned my lesson more than once with this), no job requirement, no income requirement, no kid wanting requirement or marriage requirement, etc. not that this is an invitation to the slackers out there, oh no, because you'll be joyfully working hard for this radtasticness, just not in the conventional way.
i've just recently started being comfortable even discussing aloud what my "requirements" are of a partner. as a matter of fact, i started thinking about this solely because a person i know, who i thought would be the consummate single person for the rest of their life mentioned in passing that they knew what they wanted in a relationship. and it shocked me and surprised me that they were even thinking about it. i couldn't let that stand! so, taking after the only person i've talked about this with, i'm going to put it down in writing so i can stop thinking about it.
these requirements are in no particular order:
- communication: i am a tactless and honest person. i don't know how to lie. as a matter of fact, i start to stutter and stumble over my words terribly when i attempt, what i believe to be, a blatant lie so, i'm going to be communicating with you FP (fictional partner - FP from now on) and i would very much appreciate the same courtesy. if we're not having enough sex for your liking FP, please tell me, i would be more than happy to fix that for you. if you don't like the way i kiss with a little nibble FP, please think of a solution that will satisfy you and tell me about it. if you don't like that i wake up in the double digits on the weekends because you feel like the day gets wasted and you start to resent me for it, by god! wake me up and tell me! i'm a big girl and i know that EVERYONE is different, but FP, i need you to realize that i cannot read your mind.
my parents have been married for 30 years. they still don't talk to each other. i see how they walk on eggshells around each other because of it and it kills me.
- attention: i'm not good at being in the spotlight, so i'm not saying i'm that girl who needs everything to be about me. rather, what i require from you FP, is for you to realize that i'm in the room when we're in the same place. we don't have to be attached at the hip, but it would be nice to feel your eyes on me at some point of the evening - preferably with salacious intentions behind them.
i would like it if you made me feel like enough of a girl with your attention that it encourages me to wear dresses - i would wear them for you FP - because i look pretty in them and have fabulous legs that go all the way up to my ass and because dresses almost demand that the wearer be treated like a girl.
say we're in a relationship that puts thousands of miles of physical distance between us... this attention would then be in the form of phone calls or letters (yes, real ones with stamps and handwriting and invisible skin flakes so i can get the tiniest whiff of you from the letter) or electronic communications. if you are text-happy or email-happy, i require a minimum of one phone call per week so i can put a voice to the attention that i'm getting, so it can feel real instead of mechanical. i can be very good at phone sex when necessary. i've watched a lot of porn (understatement). i know what they say. there is a distance caveat as well, but that is to be discussed at another time FP.
- affection: boy! is this an important one! the last relationship i was in, we had an unspoken "one foot" rule that was to be obeyed in public. well, HE had this rule. as in, there was always one foot distance between our physical beings when we were out together. i did not like this. and it will not be tolerated this time FP. there are several reasons that this will not stand.
i'm not saying that we need to be attached at the lip or be THAT pair that is disgustingly handsy and grindy and moany, the pair that everyone in the room is looking at and thinking "unless they throw down right here in the middle of the floor and give everyone a show, they need to find a freakin' bathroom stall". i would prefer if we weren't that pair.
what i require is the knowledge that i can run up to you in a room of people, grab your arm and whisper something pertinent, inane, silly or random in your ear whilst "unintentionally" rubbing my boob against your arm and leave you with a kiss on the neck just below your ear simply because i feel like it and not have you freak out that i'm touching you in public.
i like to touch and to be touched... any and all synonyms of the word "touch" - i like them all. i also like to hold hands. A LOT. i like that more than sex, to be honest. it makes me feel accepted and wanted and that's important to anyone. damn, that's another physical requirement - you'll need at least one hand FP.
- companionship: i require that you like to spend time with me. i know that's a deal-breaker for some, but seriously, you want my cooter? i want you to put some genuine time into it. i don't want to spend every excruciating second of every minute of every day with you and have you LOVE it, no. there's no might about it - i would definitely kill you were that the case. but i want you to say "yes" to my invitations to go see shows or a movie with me. or... OR i want you to invite me to something you want to go to - motocross, monster truck rally, lumberjack guild, hockey game, etc. - so we can spend time together. dates! dates, not "hanging out", are good! i like to do a lot of things so give me a try, i probably won't say no. unless you're talking about seal clubbing. or dog fighting. or going to a casino - don't ever invite me to a casino or place of gambling. this will be further discussed at a later date.
- passion: i require that you be passionate about something that is not me. bees. nascar. hand models. toy trains. the environment. lumberjacking. spoon collecting. road trips. foot-sploshing porn. hipsters. satanism. the demise of hipsters.
i want to listen to you talk about something that makes you light up from the inside. something that gets you excited like a little child. because, if you're excited about it, i'm bound to be curious and, in turn, get excited for you once you start telling me all about it. something that gets you so excited that you bounce a little while talking about it without even realizing. it doesn't have to be what you do for a living, although that is an added bonus, but, perhaps, something that makes what you do for a living worth it.
it is unacceptable if i ask you on our first date "what do you like to do?" and your only answer is "play on the computer" even after the 4th time i've asked you, implying "i understand that you like to play on the computer, could you maybe tell me what games you play on the computer?"
- sex: uhm... it is REQUIRED that you not be afraid of sex FP. it is REQUIRED that you like sex, love it even. i've met those dudes who are afraid and who don't like it before. surprising and FRUSTRATING. i like to have sex. a lot. and i like exploring new ways to have sex. a lot. i will NEVER be that woman that withholds sex for something. i'm just punishing myself then as well, right? right. i have no size requirements and we can work on stamina of all sorts together. if you've got all of the above as well as enthusiasm and willingness to learn and take direction, i have a feeling we'd be able to work it all out.
**THE KEY**: yes, you can have everything above and still not get it right. the key to all this is:
you need to be happy in, or find happiness in, being these things for me. otherwise everything is doomed from the start.
i'm extremely sensitive to how people are feeling - i can sense resentment and grumpiness and frustration and all these negative feelings and those feelings taint the wonderful things you do for me (or my magical cooter) making them bad and gross and... sullied. everything above is too pure and good to ever be sullied. sullying is not tolerated.
i've completed an informal survey of coffee shop patrons and 100% of them stated that, yes, they broke up with (or were broken up with by) their past partners because it just didn't make them happy to make their partners happy anymore. i know that happens. i know that people change. i like that people change, but don't let your unhappiness turn into resentment FP - go back to the first item on the list and talk to me about it.
with the above the more menial wants are:
- height: i'm 5'10". that's 177cm for you metric folks. i really need you to be at least 6' (183cm) tall because i don't want to deal with the asshole that comes out because of a measly 1.5 inches. and it would be nice and interesting to learn how to wear and walk in heels.
- challenge me!: this does not mean abuse me. :)
- be a meat eater: i am. like that and like that but still eat meat like that.
- do not take yourself too seriously. if you can't laugh at you, i will eventually begin to hate you and you will probably end up having a heart attack.
- like "blazing saddles": this shouldn't be difficult, it's only the greatest movie ever made. and if you are offended by it, the probability is HIGH that i will offend you at some point.
let me wrap this up by saying that i'm not requiring anything on this list that i'm not willing to give. excited about giving, even! at all. if i'm nothing else, i'm painfully fair.
and since the tease is all about being vague, i have been afraid to put into words what i require in a romantic partner. afraid because words can limit the possibilities of awesomeness of this mythical person. i haven't lived enough life to know what this "everything" that a partner should be entails - i hope to never know because that means i'm still being surprised. i have been afraid because these words, while not carved in stone, are most definitely not drawn in sand either, making it hard to justify changes and corrections and evolutions.
i equate stating what i require to defining a "type" and i don't have a "type" to be honest. at least not in the conventional definition - i have no feature requirements (barring height because i've learned my lesson more than once with this), no job requirement, no income requirement, no kid wanting requirement or marriage requirement, etc. not that this is an invitation to the slackers out there, oh no, because you'll be joyfully working hard for this radtasticness, just not in the conventional way.
i've just recently started being comfortable even discussing aloud what my "requirements" are of a partner. as a matter of fact, i started thinking about this solely because a person i know, who i thought would be the consummate single person for the rest of their life mentioned in passing that they knew what they wanted in a relationship. and it shocked me and surprised me that they were even thinking about it. i couldn't let that stand! so, taking after the only person i've talked about this with, i'm going to put it down in writing so i can stop thinking about it.
these requirements are in no particular order:
- communication: i am a tactless and honest person. i don't know how to lie. as a matter of fact, i start to stutter and stumble over my words terribly when i attempt, what i believe to be, a blatant lie so, i'm going to be communicating with you FP (fictional partner - FP from now on) and i would very much appreciate the same courtesy. if we're not having enough sex for your liking FP, please tell me, i would be more than happy to fix that for you. if you don't like the way i kiss with a little nibble FP, please think of a solution that will satisfy you and tell me about it. if you don't like that i wake up in the double digits on the weekends because you feel like the day gets wasted and you start to resent me for it, by god! wake me up and tell me! i'm a big girl and i know that EVERYONE is different, but FP, i need you to realize that i cannot read your mind.
my parents have been married for 30 years. they still don't talk to each other. i see how they walk on eggshells around each other because of it and it kills me.
- attention: i'm not good at being in the spotlight, so i'm not saying i'm that girl who needs everything to be about me. rather, what i require from you FP, is for you to realize that i'm in the room when we're in the same place. we don't have to be attached at the hip, but it would be nice to feel your eyes on me at some point of the evening - preferably with salacious intentions behind them.
i would like it if you made me feel like enough of a girl with your attention that it encourages me to wear dresses - i would wear them for you FP - because i look pretty in them and have fabulous legs that go all the way up to my ass and because dresses almost demand that the wearer be treated like a girl.
say we're in a relationship that puts thousands of miles of physical distance between us... this attention would then be in the form of phone calls or letters (yes, real ones with stamps and handwriting and invisible skin flakes so i can get the tiniest whiff of you from the letter) or electronic communications. if you are text-happy or email-happy, i require a minimum of one phone call per week so i can put a voice to the attention that i'm getting, so it can feel real instead of mechanical. i can be very good at phone sex when necessary. i've watched a lot of porn (understatement). i know what they say. there is a distance caveat as well, but that is to be discussed at another time FP.
- affection: boy! is this an important one! the last relationship i was in, we had an unspoken "one foot" rule that was to be obeyed in public. well, HE had this rule. as in, there was always one foot distance between our physical beings when we were out together. i did not like this. and it will not be tolerated this time FP. there are several reasons that this will not stand.
i'm not saying that we need to be attached at the lip or be THAT pair that is disgustingly handsy and grindy and moany, the pair that everyone in the room is looking at and thinking "unless they throw down right here in the middle of the floor and give everyone a show, they need to find a freakin' bathroom stall". i would prefer if we weren't that pair.
what i require is the knowledge that i can run up to you in a room of people, grab your arm and whisper something pertinent, inane, silly or random in your ear whilst "unintentionally" rubbing my boob against your arm and leave you with a kiss on the neck just below your ear simply because i feel like it and not have you freak out that i'm touching you in public.
i like to touch and to be touched... any and all synonyms of the word "touch" - i like them all. i also like to hold hands. A LOT. i like that more than sex, to be honest. it makes me feel accepted and wanted and that's important to anyone. damn, that's another physical requirement - you'll need at least one hand FP.
- companionship: i require that you like to spend time with me. i know that's a deal-breaker for some, but seriously, you want my cooter? i want you to put some genuine time into it. i don't want to spend every excruciating second of every minute of every day with you and have you LOVE it, no. there's no might about it - i would definitely kill you were that the case. but i want you to say "yes" to my invitations to go see shows or a movie with me. or... OR i want you to invite me to something you want to go to - motocross, monster truck rally, lumberjack guild, hockey game, etc. - so we can spend time together. dates! dates, not "hanging out", are good! i like to do a lot of things so give me a try, i probably won't say no. unless you're talking about seal clubbing. or dog fighting. or going to a casino - don't ever invite me to a casino or place of gambling. this will be further discussed at a later date.
- passion: i require that you be passionate about something that is not me. bees. nascar. hand models. toy trains. the environment. lumberjacking. spoon collecting. road trips. foot-sploshing porn. hipsters. satanism. the demise of hipsters.
i want to listen to you talk about something that makes you light up from the inside. something that gets you excited like a little child. because, if you're excited about it, i'm bound to be curious and, in turn, get excited for you once you start telling me all about it. something that gets you so excited that you bounce a little while talking about it without even realizing. it doesn't have to be what you do for a living, although that is an added bonus, but, perhaps, something that makes what you do for a living worth it.
it is unacceptable if i ask you on our first date "what do you like to do?" and your only answer is "play on the computer" even after the 4th time i've asked you, implying "i understand that you like to play on the computer, could you maybe tell me what games you play on the computer?"
- sex: uhm... it is REQUIRED that you not be afraid of sex FP. it is REQUIRED that you like sex, love it even. i've met those dudes who are afraid and who don't like it before. surprising and FRUSTRATING. i like to have sex. a lot. and i like exploring new ways to have sex. a lot. i will NEVER be that woman that withholds sex for something. i'm just punishing myself then as well, right? right. i have no size requirements and we can work on stamina of all sorts together. if you've got all of the above as well as enthusiasm and willingness to learn and take direction, i have a feeling we'd be able to work it all out.
**THE KEY**: yes, you can have everything above and still not get it right. the key to all this is:
you need to be happy in, or find happiness in, being these things for me. otherwise everything is doomed from the start.
i'm extremely sensitive to how people are feeling - i can sense resentment and grumpiness and frustration and all these negative feelings and those feelings taint the wonderful things you do for me (or my magical cooter) making them bad and gross and... sullied. everything above is too pure and good to ever be sullied. sullying is not tolerated.
i've completed an informal survey of coffee shop patrons and 100% of them stated that, yes, they broke up with (or were broken up with by) their past partners because it just didn't make them happy to make their partners happy anymore. i know that happens. i know that people change. i like that people change, but don't let your unhappiness turn into resentment FP - go back to the first item on the list and talk to me about it.
with the above the more menial wants are:
- height: i'm 5'10". that's 177cm for you metric folks. i really need you to be at least 6' (183cm) tall because i don't want to deal with the asshole that comes out because of a measly 1.5 inches. and it would be nice and interesting to learn how to wear and walk in heels.
- challenge me!: this does not mean abuse me. :)
- do not take yourself too seriously. if you can't laugh at you, i will eventually begin to hate you and you will probably end up having a heart attack.
- like "blazing saddles": this shouldn't be difficult, it's only the greatest movie ever made. and if you are offended by it, the probability is HIGH that i will offend you at some point.
let me wrap this up by saying that i'm not requiring anything on this list that i'm not willing to give. excited about giving, even! at all. if i'm nothing else, i'm painfully fair.
Monday, December 13, 2010
my darling dearest seven:
it has been almost 2 months since i've written here! since i've visited you! i blame the writing class. that's all over. for now. until january 8th.
what i have learned from that class is that it takes a different kind of stamina than i have currently to write all the time and to write to someone else's specifications. the latter is the harder part, really. i'm still astounded by how utterly exhausted i was almost immediately upon completion of that class. and since i didn't have the luxury of sleeping in the next day or the day after that, i had to wait until friday night and saturday before i could truly give in to the tyty. and boy, did i ever. i slept soundly and throughly from 11:30pm to 4:15pm - 16 hours!! whoa! that's kind of unacceptable. :)
so, in an effort to increase my writing stamina, i intend to do a little writing all through this break. first things first, i'm going to do my kanye geek out for megz. then, i've been tossing around a dream expansion/maybe short story thing. but i'm not sure about that one. i'll take ideas from other people as well to see what happens.
i am thoroughly enjoying reading for pleasure right now - mr. wesley stace is pulling me along at a gentle pace, but i have a feeling it's going to get meatier in a bit - we're onto the shaving part already!
i promise not to neglect you so in the future. i need to see you as the valuable tool that you are and take advantage of you!
kisses!
what i have learned from that class is that it takes a different kind of stamina than i have currently to write all the time and to write to someone else's specifications. the latter is the harder part, really. i'm still astounded by how utterly exhausted i was almost immediately upon completion of that class. and since i didn't have the luxury of sleeping in the next day or the day after that, i had to wait until friday night and saturday before i could truly give in to the tyty. and boy, did i ever. i slept soundly and throughly from 11:30pm to 4:15pm - 16 hours!! whoa! that's kind of unacceptable. :)
so, in an effort to increase my writing stamina, i intend to do a little writing all through this break. first things first, i'm going to do my kanye geek out for megz. then, i've been tossing around a dream expansion/maybe short story thing. but i'm not sure about that one. i'll take ideas from other people as well to see what happens.
i am thoroughly enjoying reading for pleasure right now - mr. wesley stace is pulling me along at a gentle pace, but i have a feeling it's going to get meatier in a bit - we're onto the shaving part already!
i promise not to neglect you so in the future. i need to see you as the valuable tool that you are and take advantage of you!
kisses!
Saturday, October 23, 2010
i love tom waits (but not only for the reasons you may think)
i LOVE tom waits. he fills my geeky heart to beyond full for several reasons.
yes, he's an incredible and unique artist and musician in his own right, making use of the tools at his disposal, whether they're "acceptable" to others (the mainstream) or not.
yes, he writes awesomely rad songs and has a wonderful vision of music that he manages to convey in the most unexpected ways.
but today, i love tom waits because he too, is a music geek. and now i feel like i can relate on a completely different level.
tom waits is one of MAYBE a handful of musicians who would be able to say "i don't go see live music. why should i?" or "i don't like live shows or listening to other musicians - it distracts my 'vision' and songwriting ability" and have those sentiments not distract from the value of my listening experience.
i do not understand musicians who don't go to live shows or listen to music. i don't understand writers who don't read. i don't understand artists who don't enjoy art. i know these people, but i do not understand them.
and, admittedly, i'm judgy of them because it seems snooty to me. how can you think that you have nothing to learn from others who are doing the same thing you are on some level? that you're the be all and end all? how can your music, writing, art, etc. grow if you limit your perspective so much? how can you NOT find something to appreciate?
*tangent start*
ten years ago i dated a musician who didn't go to live shows of current musicians, who didn't listen to other current music. he wouldn't go see or listen to anyone who started making music during or after he started making music because "they're doing the same thing as i am" (his words, not mine) it took all i had not to say, "yeah, well, they're playing to *insert any number here* people every night and you're not. you don't think you might have something to learn from them? you don't think there's something to appreciate about that?" i had to keep the peace somehow, right? sensitive guy joes, those musicians. he wasn't very good then and something tells me he isn't very good now.
besides, he made me go see the cure. and i didn't like the cure to begin with, but seeing robert smith blown up into a large sad clown with bad makeup and scraggly, electrified hair only made me pity him, not appreciate him.
*tangent end*
but tom waits? tom waits goes to live shows. tom waits is geeky enough about music that he'll call up his "people" and say, "how do i get to talk to _______?"
and then it happens.
and then he writes about it.
in mojo.
and it's awesome.
as a matter of fact, the first line in the article i just read (thanks meg) is, "i first saw hank iii maybe two years ago..." implying that he's seen hank iii live more than once!
what??!
TOM WAITS IS A MUSIC GEEK.
it is my dream that one day i will have some kind of mystical sway and that i will have "people" that i can "call" and say "how do i get to talk to tom waits?" so we can geek out together about music and books and everything.
and then it'll happen.
and then i'll write about it.
it won't show up anywhere. except, maybe, here.
and then he'll write about it.
in mojo.
and it will be incredibly surreal and awesome.
i think i'm just going to use awesome one more time in this post.
awesome.
yes, he's an incredible and unique artist and musician in his own right, making use of the tools at his disposal, whether they're "acceptable" to others (the mainstream) or not.
yes, he writes awesomely rad songs and has a wonderful vision of music that he manages to convey in the most unexpected ways.
but today, i love tom waits because he too, is a music geek. and now i feel like i can relate on a completely different level.
tom waits is one of MAYBE a handful of musicians who would be able to say "i don't go see live music. why should i?" or "i don't like live shows or listening to other musicians - it distracts my 'vision' and songwriting ability" and have those sentiments not distract from the value of my listening experience.
i do not understand musicians who don't go to live shows or listen to music. i don't understand writers who don't read. i don't understand artists who don't enjoy art. i know these people, but i do not understand them.
and, admittedly, i'm judgy of them because it seems snooty to me. how can you think that you have nothing to learn from others who are doing the same thing you are on some level? that you're the be all and end all? how can your music, writing, art, etc. grow if you limit your perspective so much? how can you NOT find something to appreciate?
*tangent start*
ten years ago i dated a musician who didn't go to live shows of current musicians, who didn't listen to other current music. he wouldn't go see or listen to anyone who started making music during or after he started making music because "they're doing the same thing as i am" (his words, not mine) it took all i had not to say, "yeah, well, they're playing to *insert any number here* people every night and you're not. you don't think you might have something to learn from them? you don't think there's something to appreciate about that?" i had to keep the peace somehow, right? sensitive guy joes, those musicians. he wasn't very good then and something tells me he isn't very good now.
besides, he made me go see the cure. and i didn't like the cure to begin with, but seeing robert smith blown up into a large sad clown with bad makeup and scraggly, electrified hair only made me pity him, not appreciate him.
*tangent end*
but tom waits? tom waits goes to live shows. tom waits is geeky enough about music that he'll call up his "people" and say, "how do i get to talk to _______?"
and then it happens.
and then he writes about it.
in mojo.
and it's awesome.
as a matter of fact, the first line in the article i just read (thanks meg) is, "i first saw hank iii maybe two years ago..." implying that he's seen hank iii live more than once!
what??!
TOM WAITS IS A MUSIC GEEK.
it is my dream that one day i will have some kind of mystical sway and that i will have "people" that i can "call" and say "how do i get to talk to tom waits?" so we can geek out together about music and books and everything.
and then it'll happen.
and then i'll write about it.
it won't show up anywhere. except, maybe, here.
and then he'll write about it.
in mojo.
and it will be incredibly surreal and awesome.
i think i'm just going to use awesome one more time in this post.
awesome.
Friday, October 22, 2010
advice
from one "professional" to... all you out there.
if you intend to purchase a home or refinance your current home, do everyone involved in the process a favor:
do NOT send double-sided copies of the information we request, you patchouli-doused hippies. this does NOT save trees. you know why? because we just make copies of the other sides and VOILA! another tree dead.
as well, do not provide items that are STAPLED. nonono. we're smart and can figure out when one bank statement ends and another begins. we remove the staples anyway. and if we miss one, it totally fucks up the endless copying we have to do.
we understand that you do this out of the kindness of your heart, thinking that it helps us and/or the precious "environment".
that's very nice of you.
really
.
.
.
but when you do this we totally call you nasty names behind your back and curse the horse you rode in on.
just letting you know.
if you intend to purchase a home or refinance your current home, do everyone involved in the process a favor:
do NOT send double-sided copies of the information we request, you patchouli-doused hippies. this does NOT save trees. you know why? because we just make copies of the other sides and VOILA! another tree dead.
as well, do not provide items that are STAPLED. nonono. we're smart and can figure out when one bank statement ends and another begins. we remove the staples anyway. and if we miss one, it totally fucks up the endless copying we have to do.
we understand that you do this out of the kindness of your heart, thinking that it helps us and/or the precious "environment".
that's very nice of you.
really
.
.
.
but when you do this we totally call you nasty names behind your back and curse the horse you rode in on.
just letting you know.
Friday, October 15, 2010
w.h.i.s.k.e.y.
"what does a double jamesons run here?"
"five (shown with her delicate hand, each digit splayed)"
"three shots please." as i lay my id and the twenty dollar bill flat on the mahogany
she brings the three double shots over, examines my id and takes the cash
"do you want to ope..." "wait"
"i don't need anything back. keep it"
first shot goes down. deep and sweet
"are you su.."
halfway through the second shot...
"please. keep it."
"ok."
"rough day?"
"understatement." as i pick up the third
the third is gone and i leave the cellar. 1/3 of the people who saw me come in are watching me leave
i feel it pouring down my esophagus. warm and tingly, as i round onto overton
i feel it warming me on my left
then on my right
in my tummy now - as i head home in the chill
so warm and comforting
it's in my intestines now
as i step into my apartment
i can feel the comforting tingle in my toes
as i crack open another oatmeal creme pie
"mmmm.... whiskey. you make everything ... almost... livable."
"five (shown with her delicate hand, each digit splayed)"
"three shots please." as i lay my id and the twenty dollar bill flat on the mahogany
she brings the three double shots over, examines my id and takes the cash
"do you want to ope..." "wait"
"i don't need anything back. keep it"
first shot goes down. deep and sweet
"are you su.."
halfway through the second shot...
"please. keep it."
"ok."
"rough day?"
"understatement." as i pick up the third
the third is gone and i leave the cellar. 1/3 of the people who saw me come in are watching me leave
i feel it pouring down my esophagus. warm and tingly, as i round onto overton
i feel it warming me on my left
then on my right
in my tummy now - as i head home in the chill
so warm and comforting
it's in my intestines now
as i step into my apartment
i can feel the comforting tingle in my toes
as i crack open another oatmeal creme pie
"mmmm.... whiskey. you make everything ... almost... livable."
Thursday, October 14, 2010
learning
the hard way that there is an enormously ravenous divide between "will do" and "want to".
only sometimes is there an imperceptible and highly-precarious bridge between the two.
too bad it can't be as fun as "3 the hard way" (HA!) or even "7 the hard way".(OUCH!)
only sometimes is there an imperceptible and highly-precarious bridge between the two.
too bad it can't be as fun as "3 the hard way" (HA!) or even "7 the hard way".(OUCH!)
Saturday, October 9, 2010
thinking
i choose to think about the rain as iocaine powder: with exposure to small doses and gradual increases, i will eventually build up an immunity.
Friday, October 1, 2010
i'm just going to say it:
going out by yourself is RIDICULOUSLY LAME.
for years now i've done almost all my "socializing" (i use that term extremely loosely) by going out by myself - not going out alone to meet up with people, but...
going. out. alone. full stop.
no one to dance with, no one to laugh with, no one to talk to, no one to observe other people with, no one to share awesome rad new bands with. you get the picture.
oh, and you're also that chick that people look at with pity because you're alone, but they don't pity your situation enough to want to talk to you. i get those looks EVERYDAY.
over the years i've kept my chin up about it. i tell everyone "it's all good, i LIKE doing things on my own". which was true at one time. and which is still true SOMETIMES. but doing things alone is so much more rad when you have the option of going with someone else. you savor the time alone more.
sweetly supportive people in couple units try their best to grin and say "that's great that you can do that!" while inwardly thinking, "gee, that sucks." and they're right. it sucks limey donkey balls.
i'm so over this. it has just gotten worse with time, not better. i do this to myself and i wish i knew how to stop.
joel plaskett radness couldn't even get me out of this funk, so i'm pulling out the big guns: "the incredible mr. limpet". this better work.
for years now i've done almost all my "socializing" (i use that term extremely loosely) by going out by myself - not going out alone to meet up with people, but...
going. out. alone. full stop.
no one to dance with, no one to laugh with, no one to talk to, no one to observe other people with, no one to share awesome rad new bands with. you get the picture.
oh, and you're also that chick that people look at with pity because you're alone, but they don't pity your situation enough to want to talk to you. i get those looks EVERYDAY.
over the years i've kept my chin up about it. i tell everyone "it's all good, i LIKE doing things on my own". which was true at one time. and which is still true SOMETIMES. but doing things alone is so much more rad when you have the option of going with someone else. you savor the time alone more.
sweetly supportive people in couple units try their best to grin and say "that's great that you can do that!" while inwardly thinking, "gee, that sucks." and they're right. it sucks limey donkey balls.
i'm so over this. it has just gotten worse with time, not better. i do this to myself and i wish i knew how to stop.
joel plaskett radness couldn't even get me out of this funk, so i'm pulling out the big guns: "the incredible mr. limpet". this better work.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
touch
human touch is a strong and incredible tool that i don't think enough of us realize we have at our disposal. it makes us feel connected to one another. it promotes trust in one another. it allows for the trade of energy between people. the way people touch one another speaks volumes about how they feel about each other.
for me, personally, touch relaxes. and, since i don't get a lot of it, it haunts me.
the feeling of a hand at the small of my back makes me feel protected and guided. and i'm totally cool if that hand "accidentally" moves down to grab a little ass.
the feeling of a hand stroking my back in long, assertive strokes makes me limp and purr like a kitten. it's soothing and relaxing - the more assertive the pressure, the more relaxed i get. i feel like i can let the world go and breathe the way i'm meant to breathe when someone strokes my back like that.
hugs are awesome. with the right hug, i can melt into the other person and not even notice the world around me which is a right tough thing for me to do any other time. a hug lets me forget about all the aholes i have to deal with on a daily basis. and there are so many different kinds of hugs for different situations, they're like languages in their variety and, therefore, fascinating to me.
i loath to mention this, but i think it's a lovely idea: we all know my slight disdain for one jason "chapman" (ok, jason mraz - but he sounds like tracy chapman!) but that dude has a tattoo on his shoulder that simply says "rest area" and i LOVE that idea. because it's so true. and that's what hugs do - they're fuel.
kisses are similar to hugs, but the minor differences make them vastly different. i don't even think i have words for kisses, all i know is that my mouth and i remember them all. some, most definitely, more than others.
holding hands has to be my most cherished form of touch. more than hugs, more than kissing, more than sex, more than anything else is holding hands. its such a simple gesture and it says so much, consciously and unconsciously. holding hands between friends and lovers says (to me) "hey, i'm hanging out with/lovin' on this person and i don't care who knows it." holding hands is subtle and powerful. lots of energy, calming, healing, nurturing energy is passed through the hands.
i think about all these things, and in this detail, because i CRAVE human touch. and as much as i crave it, is as little of it as i receive.
the last hug i had was just over a month ago. the last hand holding, as well, just over a month ago. the last squishy, melty, "let everything go" hug, 5 months ago. last drunken kiss, january 3, 2010. last sober kiss, 1 year ago.
i can't remember the last time someone held my hand in public.
these statistics make me sad. they make me feel cold. they make me feel unlovable and untouchable. they make me feel empty and devoid of human connection. and i'm not sure how to make it better. do i just go up to random strangers and say "hey, let's hold hands"?
like that's going to win me any favors.
thanks for the vent, blog.
for me, personally, touch relaxes. and, since i don't get a lot of it, it haunts me.
the feeling of a hand at the small of my back makes me feel protected and guided. and i'm totally cool if that hand "accidentally" moves down to grab a little ass.
the feeling of a hand stroking my back in long, assertive strokes makes me limp and purr like a kitten. it's soothing and relaxing - the more assertive the pressure, the more relaxed i get. i feel like i can let the world go and breathe the way i'm meant to breathe when someone strokes my back like that.
hugs are awesome. with the right hug, i can melt into the other person and not even notice the world around me which is a right tough thing for me to do any other time. a hug lets me forget about all the aholes i have to deal with on a daily basis. and there are so many different kinds of hugs for different situations, they're like languages in their variety and, therefore, fascinating to me.
i loath to mention this, but i think it's a lovely idea: we all know my slight disdain for one jason "chapman" (ok, jason mraz - but he sounds like tracy chapman!) but that dude has a tattoo on his shoulder that simply says "rest area" and i LOVE that idea. because it's so true. and that's what hugs do - they're fuel.
kisses are similar to hugs, but the minor differences make them vastly different. i don't even think i have words for kisses, all i know is that my mouth and i remember them all. some, most definitely, more than others.
holding hands has to be my most cherished form of touch. more than hugs, more than kissing, more than sex, more than anything else is holding hands. its such a simple gesture and it says so much, consciously and unconsciously. holding hands between friends and lovers says (to me) "hey, i'm hanging out with/lovin' on this person and i don't care who knows it." holding hands is subtle and powerful. lots of energy, calming, healing, nurturing energy is passed through the hands.
i think about all these things, and in this detail, because i CRAVE human touch. and as much as i crave it, is as little of it as i receive.
the last hug i had was just over a month ago. the last hand holding, as well, just over a month ago. the last squishy, melty, "let everything go" hug, 5 months ago. last drunken kiss, january 3, 2010. last sober kiss, 1 year ago.
i can't remember the last time someone held my hand in public.
these statistics make me sad. they make me feel cold. they make me feel unlovable and untouchable. they make me feel empty and devoid of human connection. and i'm not sure how to make it better. do i just go up to random strangers and say "hey, let's hold hands"?
like that's going to win me any favors.
thanks for the vent, blog.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
lunch time
it's rare that i take a lunch here at my job. there are several reasons that factor into this, but the main one is that i just don't have anywhere to go at lunch and i don't do too well being idle, so i just stay at my desk because i ALWAYS have work to do. i realize that this isn't the best thing in the world - it's an issue i've had everywhere i've worked.
well, today, i've found a solution. we had an un-warned-about, un-planned-for fire drill today and while everyone was milling around the parking lot waiting for "them" to let us back in, i found a random patch of grass under a tree and just plopped down and enjoyed the sun and shade and the green green GRASS! i laid there only about 15 minutes, but i felt so relaxed afterward.
this is my new lunch time activity while the weather is still nice. if you want to find me, look for a patch of grass and i'll be there.
ps - the small faces station on pandora is the BEST STATION EVER.
well, today, i've found a solution. we had an un-warned-about, un-planned-for fire drill today and while everyone was milling around the parking lot waiting for "them" to let us back in, i found a random patch of grass under a tree and just plopped down and enjoyed the sun and shade and the green green GRASS! i laid there only about 15 minutes, but i felt so relaxed afterward.
this is my new lunch time activity while the weather is still nice. if you want to find me, look for a patch of grass and i'll be there.
ps - the small faces station on pandora is the BEST STATION EVER.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
another gripe
dear august in portland:
do you know what i bought today?
a DOWN COMFORTER. warmth level 4.
why? because last night was COLD and tonight will be too.
did you know it was 102 in austin today with a heat index of 108? why can't you take a little bit of that away from them?
that's all.
ps - why does my computer beep at me everytime i type "from"?
do you know what i bought today?
a DOWN COMFORTER. warmth level 4.
why? because last night was COLD and tonight will be too.
did you know it was 102 in austin today with a heat index of 108? why can't you take a little bit of that away from them?
that's all.
ps - why does my computer beep at me everytime i type "from"?
Monday, August 16, 2010
soopa!
dear supergreens:
you are gross. your chocolate flavoredness is even grosser. and you give me a weird kind of reflux if i don't have food within about 30 minutes of drinking you that i can only imagine is heartburn. i've never really had heartburn, so i don't know.
but you make me feel AMAZING. and so INSTANTLY.
example: i was feeling like SHIT ON A STICK on saturday morning when i went to school for an open house. i should have been excited. it was school! there were cookies! but no, i wanted to toss my cookies instead. so, i left early and remembered as i was limping home that i needed to get you so i could build my immune system and stop being in this weird "i can't move after 7:30pm because i'm SO EXHAUSTED" thing i've had going on for the past few weeks. i stop by the new seasons and get some, get home, wait about 30 minutes and then have a scoop with some water.
geh. you are SO gross. but you're going to curb my chocolate milk addiction, so that's good.
i shit you not, 10 minutes later i was no longer blech-y in the stomach and i had this surge of energy that lasted well into the night. i was zoomin' everywhere!
and then i did it again on sunday. same results!!
and this morning - before swimming?? awesome perfection radness!
i guess i gotta keep drinking you. you're good for me and (my) shit, so i guess you're gonna stay around.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
friday night musings
lately i've been thinking about the factory settings in/on people, mainly with regards to hearts and how they feel. in general... about certain things... and if certain thoughts or feelings are, indeed, set in the factory or are they after-market modifications?
here's my game for you:
FACTORY SETTING (are we born this way?)
or
AFTER-MARKET MODIFICATION (does culture/setting/how we were raised/etc effect our feelings about "x"?)
monogamy?
promiscuity?
homosexuality?
heterosexuality?
asexuality?
comfort in solitude?
the NEED to be with others/another or co-dependency?
acceptance? of others. of yourself. of situations.
judgment? of others. of yourself. of situations.
fear? of others. of yourself. of situations.
honesty? with others. with yourself. with situations.
magic?
music?
creativity?
spirituality (however you may define that)?
fortitude?
stamina/patience? for others. for yourself. for situations.
are we programmed at the beginning to love certain people or all people? no matter their character, standing, attitude, in spite of their shortcomings and overwhelmingly for their attractive qualities? i know that our capacity to love others is heavily influenced by many outside factors, but - even though i know i'll never know - i'll never stop wondering about that capacity, pure and untarnished.
i happen to like the random, kinda junky and cluttered, but wholly magical place where i gathered my after-market modifications. i feel like 90% of them are definite and awesome upgrades. the other 10%? well... who wants to be 100% awesome 100% of the time? that's gotta be 47% exhausting!
maybe because it's friday and a walk about the neighborhood shows that it's date night. it gets my brain working overtime about how people in pairs interact with each other and why they do it - imagining scenarios and little vignettes about pairs based on the brief and passing energy i sense from them. maybe that's why i get to wondering about these things. if nothing else, it'll get my half-a-reader to thinking. *grin*
things like this make me want to randomly blurt out "lickalottapuss!" and then laugh like a deranged 6 year old.
here's my game for you:
FACTORY SETTING (are we born this way?)
or
AFTER-MARKET MODIFICATION (does culture/setting/how we were raised/etc effect our feelings about "x"?)
monogamy?
promiscuity?
homosexuality?
heterosexuality?
asexuality?
comfort in solitude?
the NEED to be with others/another or co-dependency?
acceptance? of others. of yourself. of situations.
judgment? of others. of yourself. of situations.
fear? of others. of yourself. of situations.
honesty? with others. with yourself. with situations.
magic?
music?
creativity?
spirituality (however you may define that)?
fortitude?
stamina/patience? for others. for yourself. for situations.
are we programmed at the beginning to love certain people or all people? no matter their character, standing, attitude, in spite of their shortcomings and overwhelmingly for their attractive qualities? i know that our capacity to love others is heavily influenced by many outside factors, but - even though i know i'll never know - i'll never stop wondering about that capacity, pure and untarnished.
i happen to like the random, kinda junky and cluttered, but wholly magical place where i gathered my after-market modifications. i feel like 90% of them are definite and awesome upgrades. the other 10%? well... who wants to be 100% awesome 100% of the time? that's gotta be 47% exhausting!
maybe because it's friday and a walk about the neighborhood shows that it's date night. it gets my brain working overtime about how people in pairs interact with each other and why they do it - imagining scenarios and little vignettes about pairs based on the brief and passing energy i sense from them. maybe that's why i get to wondering about these things. if nothing else, it'll get my half-a-reader to thinking. *grin*
things like this make me want to randomly blurt out "lickalottapuss!" and then laugh like a deranged 6 year old.
Monday, August 2, 2010
gata
this cat. this cat thinks that i'm it's person that feeds it (i never have and i never will). this cat thinks that my house is it's house. this cat follows me everywhere i go. i negotiate with it for 5 minutes every evening so i can get into my house without it jetting in behind me.
this cat is ALWAYS purring. sometimes it's an angry purr, sometimes it's an awesome purr. it's entire body moves when it purrs - it purrs so strongly. this cat has MAJOR amounts of energy. and not necessarily the playful, bouncy energy that cute kittehs have, no, this cat exudes intense energy.
this cat is super overstimulated. to the point where it'll come up to me, wind through my legs for about 10 minutes, obviously wanting some love, and i'll do a little VERY light petting, and then, when it is indicating that it wants more petting and i give it what it wants, it screeches, hisses and runs away for a minute then looks at me and comes back.
this cat only does all of the above with me.
why does that sound familiar?
Saturday, July 31, 2010
conversations with the fuzzy sweater
fuzzy sweater (fs): *yawn* heeeeeeyy shannon... wha... why are you pulling me out? isn't it, uh...
me: isn't it 2 o'clock in the afternoon on a beau... bal... sum... um, July 31st? why yes, yes it is.
fs: uhm... *awkward silence*
me: no, it's not ironical. it's ridiculously necessary.
here's portland's wholly deserved WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
swan song
dear genie:
tomorrow marks your swan song. the last day you will take me to work, possibly the last day you are "in commission". though our time together has been short, it's been intense and i will miss you a whole heck of a lot.
you were everything i needed in our short time together. you got me to portland without a hitch. you got me around enough to get a job. i love that you were my house for a month when i first got here to portland. it wasn't as bad as most people may think - i think we had fun together trying to find the good places to be every night, trying to find the free internet, keeping each other safe through the nights. i love that you had "tricks" to you. that you have a unique "anti-theft device" in the guise of a screwhead on the driver side door panel. i love your sounds (except that death-dealing grindy whir) and rattles.
the happy screw:
i'm donating you to kexp because the dealership said that it would be more for them to do all the title stuff, etc. needed to get you all ready to go than they would give me for you as a trade-in.
i like that you will go to a cause that's near and dear to my heart and ears. i hope they fix you and that you make kexp lots of money from your sale at auction. until i know though, you are being gracefully sent to car heaven where you will romp with broncos and mustangs galore in fields of fluffy grass and fun 4-wheelin' hijinx.
i love you genie!
Saturday, July 24, 2010
evil
saint cupcake. yes, you are evil. why? several reasons:
- you have "dots" where it makes you feel like you're not being so bad by only having a tiny cupcake
- there's something magically smooth, yet "staying" about your frosting
- you have day-old mystery boxes for only $5 - 12 dots or 6 whole cupcakes
- you are 5 blocks from my house
what you see above are the red velvet and a "big top" dots. the big top is a cupcake with chocolate chips. like a chocolate chip cookie cupcake.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
moral dilemma
ok, so, i need to get a bike (amongst many other things at this juncture) so i can get off my scared ass and get riding around. and there is this SUPER CUTE little red bike that's just my style that's sitting right outside the courtyard.
it's been sitting there neglected for the month that i've been here. i pass by it, looking at it longingly, everyday. it has COBWEBS on the handlebars, that's how long it's been sitting there waiting for someone to love it and ride it.
question: is it wrong that i want to pop the U-lock on it and love it up and make it mine? because i would and could, but i don't want to break some weird karmic law. i feel like the owner or whomever put it there and ignored it has broken a karmic law by doing that! but that may just be my justification for wanting it and wanting to make it mine.
thoughts? i need a moral compass here. *smile*
it's been sitting there neglected for the month that i've been here. i pass by it, looking at it longingly, everyday. it has COBWEBS on the handlebars, that's how long it's been sitting there waiting for someone to love it and ride it.
question: is it wrong that i want to pop the U-lock on it and love it up and make it mine? because i would and could, but i don't want to break some weird karmic law. i feel like the owner or whomever put it there and ignored it has broken a karmic law by doing that! but that may just be my justification for wanting it and wanting to make it mine.
thoughts? i need a moral compass here. *smile*
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
i've got it!
i know why i'm so... grrrrrr... about working in mortgage again. its because i now have a goal. a goal that will get me out of mortgage and hopefully into something i dig doing. and now that i have a goal and am outlining a plan, i have no patience for the job i do or the idiots i work with. it's such a rad plan!! i wanna do it now!! geesh!
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