thinking

i choose to think about the rain as iocaine powder: with exposure to small doses and gradual increases, i will eventually build up an immunity.

thinking

i think i need more gregory page in my life. i know i write him off because he's a "love-maker" not a "fucker" but, you know what, i think i could use a piece of that tender love-making right now. not necessarily on a sexual level, but on a whole life level.

thinking

i hope i don't lose the 6 pair of panties i just bought the same way i lost the other 3 that were just like them.

or maybe i do. eek!

thinking

joel mccrae had pretty feet.

thinking...

i would very much like to look like diane lane when i get to be her age.

hell, i would very much like to look like her right now. dang. she's pretty.

i think i just figgered something out!

i was standing at stove this morning, making my usual breakfast, basking in a post-painting think pod.
i was wondering why it is that the painting comes so slowly and sporadically for me. why, when i can bust out some mean paper crafts or knit something like nobody's business, does the painting gloop out like molasses in the winter? why it is, to get something started with paint and a canvas, it's like breaking through a wall of jelly that's been in the fridge for too long?

then i realized: art (for me) is following your own instructions or following no instructions at all.

things like knitting and paper crafts and sewing are inherently instructional - instructions that other people have already figured out. sew a straight line to get this hem. purl, purl, knit, yarn over to get this look on a stitch, fold the paper this way to get this animal. but paint to canvas... you make your own instructions. you decide what color or shape or stroke will translate what is in your brain to what wants to come out onto the canvas.
all my life, i've been living under some kind of instruction handed out by others. i might have manipulated those instructions to get the result i wanted, but there were still "guidelines". this is totally free of that and, up until a little while ago, that seriously intimidated and crippled whatever is/was in me. hell, it still does, but now it just feels right to dive into it and swim around in that intimidation to see what it can do to me.

after careful observation, i've noted that once i break through that wall of jelly, whatever needs to come out, comes out fast and furious (ha!), but until then, i fidget and squirm and it's a weird - oddly physical - struggle to let it out. i thought i would need some licker of some kind to get me going last night, but when i couldn't get the pernod open after 10 minutes and removing the top layer of skin from my hands, i gave up on that and said, FUCK IT! I CAN DO THIS BY MYSELF! i sat there, listening to mink deville and tried to take my time (that is HARD) and it started coming out. ALL BY ITSELF. yay!

i think that, once i get comfortable with the no instruction, guideline or structure, this painting stuff is going to come out a lot faster and easier. i'm not saying it's good, but at least it'll get out. hm.

thinking...

i know i posted this big whole long rant a couple of weeks ago about "it" being all "worth it" and stuff, and while that's how i was feeling then and i definitely needed the catharsis of letting that out, i'm re-thinking and feeling differently now.

i am pretty in love with the family i've gathered throughout the years. especially due to that cuntie darling, steve. i can't believe the sheer amount and force of the creative, sweet, hilarious, talented and wonderful people that surround this guy and that i've had the honor and pleasure to meet. i hope some of it rubs off on me someday.

i think this new-found appreciation also came along when i realized that it's easier to love and appreciate this when you aren't expecting anything in return - seeing things and people and situations at face value because there are a LOT more incredibly rad people out there than we give credit for. you just hear about the shitty people more because they make "better news".

i just needed to get that out. now onto our regularly scheduled programming.

i have a feeling...

that the following words will be said at some time, by some person this weekend:

"my toe stand is a hot mess."

oddly, this makes me even more excited for the weekend.

thinking

this weekend is exactly what i needed. i got D.I.R.T.Y. - like christina aguilera wearing assless chaps in a mud wrestling ring dirty. i'm kinda tore up. and i feel invigorated.

here's hoping for more just like it.

thinking

i'm addicted to sweet leaf pomegranate green tea.

i wish i could buy it in jugs.

thinking...

i am low low low.

L

O

W

.

i need someone besides me to kick my ass out of this rut.

thinking

i might be falling in love with henry miller all over again - from a totally different perspective.
i love his liberal use of the word "cunt" and i love the way he conjugates it. well, i consider it liberal, but someone who isn't as completely enchanted with the word as i am may say that overuse may be a better word.
granted, he's not for everyone. he switches from mini-plot to stream-of-consciousness without the slightest hesitation or warning which might throw a lot of people off. he has seemingly unflowery moments, but what they really are are flowery moments on unflowery topics. i like that he tells it like it is and doesn't beat around the bush, he just fucks you with it.

i think he's making me a word drunk.

thinking

there's this horrible clicking on my work phone that is random and painful.

i think that "they" are trying to brain-wash me using morse code. DAMMIT!

noticing

last night at the video store, i saw a man who was directly in the middle of cute, handsome and "come eat me NOW".

MEOW!

thinking... musically

i've been neglecting you darling! it's been a little crazy at work and i've only wanted to escape at home, so you've been left by the way-side.

anyhoo, i'm listening to the new wilco like 3/4ths of the hipster population of austin is right now. let me be honest here, i've not listened to a LICK of wilco before. i just know of them, well, because people don't ever stop talking about them. i kind of feel bad about it now too. musically, this is right up my alley. if i astral-projected into someone else who listened to these guys and met me knowing my love of music, i would slap me for not listening to them before.
BUT, i'm not really feelin' it. from listening to this album ONLY, i kind of feel like they're the radiohead of alt-country/americana - so full of themselves that they can't stand it and wholly lacking in a sense of humor. these guys sound really jayhawks-ish. am i remembering correctly that one is an off-shoot of another? and uncle tupelo is in this mix somewhere, right? it's all one big, incestuous, americana love-fest... with no joy on the inside.

i could be totally wrong about this. maybe i need to listen to these guys in the car. maybe i need to listen to them on shuffle. i dunno, but they're not doin' it for me right now.

i'm totally open to album suggestions that might sway me.

thinking

i feel like i may just have a banner year this year. a banner year of fucking. i know i'm getting a late start, but i'm all about making up for lost time.

here's hoping i'm right.

thinking

i shouldn't have gotten out of bed today.

i need thin mint ice cream and a which wich.

thinking

i might be slightly psychic. seriously. things are getting weird.

fuuuuuuuuuck....

how does my iTunes know when the truckees should come on?? dammit!!

ps - i'm drunk.

thinking

i do NOT get paid to tell people "no". grrrr.