the dream that i didn't post... until now

i can post this now that i'm off that place and because i know that no one in the dream reads this... thing.

the most overtly sexual dream that probably has nothing to do with sex i've had to date:

i was in my dream home (of course, an adorable craftsman bungalow, no more than 3 bedrooms) with a friend of mine that i haven't met yet. she was like a combination of a lot of girls i know, but no one i know at the same time. we're chilling on the couch chatting - it's my birthday or some kind of celebration for me or something - and she gets me up and says "ok, we're ready".
we go out to the backyard where this pornstar that i've never really found attractive is shirtless and doing something in another part of the yard, kind of flooding it i think, and he comes up to my friend, acknowledges me, takes her over to his project and she starts helping him with it. it feels like they have a little flingy thing. rob is sitting in the corner with something or someone unlikely draped over him preparing to videotape the whole thing. i go to where they're setting up this thing and there's a whole group of people that i feel like i know on a base level, but no one that i know personally. there's a chair-ish thing, kind of like a massage chair meets the "burning man" man on a massage chair scale, in the middle of this puddle and there are 2 people standing at the far end of the yard where the flooding is going. the pornstar and my friend are trying to get them to move, but they are just looking back and not listening. my friend has a ball of red yarn that she's letting into the water and it's turning the water red. she and the pornstar do something, i can't remember what, it feels ritual-y and then she's standing next to me again.
the pornstar starts talking to the rest of the group and instructs all the girls to put on something from this selection of dresses and "fancy fun" clothes he has that have just magically appeared. i see the one i want and i'm instantly in it, not physical getting out of clothes and back into them, and all the other ladies are the same way. i'm in some kind of corset bustier thing with sassy pants on and some girl, i don't know if it's my friend or not, is OBSESSED with my nipples and every few minutes would turn around, scratch my corset top down to get to them and happily start chewing and going to town on them and i liked it, but would just look down at her chuckling.
then the pornstar had an old, dying dog that we were going to ceremonially put to sleep or let die naturally and so they brought it up to this dais that was right next to me, and rob came closer and started filming closer, and they started this little pre-wake, last rights-ish kind of thing for the dog. all i could remember is the pornstar telling rob to get the dog's eyes in the video so they could try and figure out what kind it was because he never knew. and then they started playing old school michael jackson ballads for the dog. everyone starts to disperse and my friend and i are still in the yard but at a further vantage point and i told her that i thought she got the pornstar here to ravage me. she just smiled, laughed and said "he will if you want him to" and i just shook my head and we headed back into the house.
the inside of the house was different now, with a huge great room with no furniture, but the pretty, shiny wood floor was lined against the walls with guitars and stringed instruments of all kinds and there was a line for everyone to grab whatever one they could play because EVERYONE could play something. as i was walking through the house, i see the backs of tan sister radio standing there holding their guitars and they're facing and watching the huge front yard where there's a stage set up. my friend and i RUN outside to see what's up. as we collapse on the perfect patch of grass we see patrick onstage warming up the truckees and hoffee is in the house grabbing this huge sheet that has "truckees" or "rock" or something simple, one-worded and awesome on it in lights and he's running it out to the stage to put it up. the truckees are about to start but they can't for some reason that i can't remember but patrick was explaining it and the reason has to do with hoffee needing to fuck a random chick in the audience with everyone watching. and it's on a table so everyone could purposefully watch. the woman started out being a little plain with glasses and curly hair and feeling like a girl i knew ABOUT but didn't know personally and turned into my friend mid-fuck. it was like a slow morph. and it was just fuck. it was passionless, rote and mechanical like they were required to do it for a school assignment. no kissing, no savoring, no feeling, no fun, just the old in-out. the last thing i remember was her legs up on his chest, feet crossed at the ankles, and he was trying to pry them apart, but it wasn't happening and he got frustrated. and then i woke up.

whoa. is it weird that i think the "friend" that is leading me through the whole dream is a future me?

what ISN'T in there for interpretation??

edited to add: i finally figured out who the pornstar dude is - alex sanders. he's SO gross and not at all my type. but he's the one who was in my dream.

age appropriateness?

why am i so judgy when it comes to "age appropriateness" and relationships? or even the potential for relationships?

example: there is a woman in my office who is 54. she looks about 44 and she's very pretty, but she still is 54 and is in the middle of getting divorced from a man she was married to for 34 years. i could write pages and pages on this person. in a mixed light. but, were i to sum her up: she's frustrating to me because she's someone who always needs to be taken care of and she makes people feel sorry for her because she says she can't do things that are well within her capabilities so that someone else will do it for her. i can't STAND that.
right now, there is a fairly good-looking, well-kept guy in our office to discuss spurs season tickets and stuff with the 2 managers in our office. he's MAYBE 32. i think he's 29. the 54 year old lady came into my office and asked me if i thought he was cute. i said, "meh, he's lukewarm. besides, he's short." and then she asked, "what about for me?" and instantly i think "WHAT?!". actually, several thoughts come into my head, but that was the loudest. there are so many reasons that she shouldn't even CONSIDER him, but how do you say that? you can't.
i ended up stammering out, "i think he's pretty young." she said, "what? 30s?" and i said, "no, i think late 20s." and that ended the conversation.

why do all these negative things come into my head in that situation? am i being protective of my potential dating pool even though that's not something i'm interested in right now? am i just instantly seeing the process of her getting her heart broken and saying no to protect her (because i don't want to deal with her with a broken heart and i know i'd have to)?

i'm really a lot more interested in dudes that are older than me (by a good 8-12 years or so) and live life knowing that the powers that be have a REALLY BIG sense of humor. these kind of people RARELY exist in my "dating pool". why did i have such a strong reaction to her being interested in this young slip of a man?

i guess i'm ok with cougarism only if the woman is independent. and she's the opposite of independent.

what??

um. i think i have a date on monday. whatever it is, i know it's going to end in fucking. but... i think it might be a date. that ends in fucking.

the word "plan" was used. you don't use "plan" with only fucking, right? at least not when it's 5 days away.
when you use "plan" with fucking it's a "let me PLAN on how to get my roommate out of the house for a few hours this afternoon so we can screw like wild monkeys"
not: "monday?" "sounds good" "do you want to PLAN it or should i?" WHAT??? (can i make that WHAT with 3 questions marks a little bigger to express my lack of understanding?) "i'll let you take the drivers seat on this one" "deal"

i don't know how to feel about this. i'm much more comfortable with the fucking than the date.

i haven't done that in a long time. i hope i remember how. HA! i say that like i knew how at one point.

this will be an adventure.

thinking

i lost my sheets. then i looked in the dryer in the communal laundry room. they were in there. FOR A WEEK.

i'm such a dick. :D

it's 8:30am...

and already i've been asked the stupidest question ever: are you busy?

no, i just came in to work for 4 hours today to make an appearance and sit on my thumb and spin.

idiots.

i'm really over this listlessness

seriously. for the past 2 weeks, if not longer, i've been at about 60% in everyway and i'm tired of it. i don't know what to do with myself. i don't know what not to do with myself. it's like pulling teeth to keep even the littlest things in my routine. things that i love to do and that make me feel great after doing them. i've never been this way for this long (except when i went on that medication, but there were other factors involved). i just want to stay in bed all day and drink lattes and eat sandwiches that someone else makes me and cookies and crackers. my ears don't want to listen to anyone but josh ritter. now, josh ritter's not so bad, and i don't even get tired of him after the constant barrage i assault my ears with, but ITS TOO MUCH with his chipmunk face and slightly nasal-y vocals and rad lyrics. and it's my physical being that wants this, not my emotional. my brain is sitting here looking at me saying, "you're depressed", but i'm not! i could effectively argue that my body is depressed, but my mind and that tiny black thing others like to call a heart are peachy keen. i've got a lot of excitement coming up on my ass! starting tomorrow even!

i don't know what kind of a kick in the butt i need, but i need it soon. i refuse to be like this over sxsw - if i am, i'm guaranteed to get big sick which is never a good thing. and i want to be 100%, maybe even 110%, when i see all my folks, you know? it takes a lot of energy to be that excited and happy and i know i have the capacity, but i can't muster the wherewithal right now and that is NOT a good thing.

suggestions? a lady at work is convinced that my immune system is depressed due to cedar fever and that i need to strengthen my immune system. how do i do that, yo?