important

i'm a little different than others.

as i was walking out of the office today, i was juggling 2 bottles of wine, 2 zombie movies, a bottle of water and a peanut butter cookie in my arms. i looked down and thought to myself:

"everything that's important in life is right here in my arms."

i haven't been ignoring you, i sware!

it's just hard to have clear coherent thoughts when you have to be on all the time or when you don't know when your quiet time is going brutally interrupted! it's no excuse, i know, but it's what i've got.

in lieu of silent time and coherent thoughts, i've been reading. a lot. and these are a few chunks of text that have really hit me, courtesy of henry miller. i love henry miller because i know that i only want to read him when i need to. and i love that he's a constant reminder that i'm not completely off my rocker in the way i feel and think about things.


"you will soon tire of being forever mysterious. it is like standing before the mirror all day. i see you from behind the mirror. the mystery is not in what you do but in what you are. when i take you out of this morbid life you will be naked as a statue. now your beauty is all furniture. it has been moved around too much. we must put it back where it belongs - on the rubbish pile. once upon a time, i thought that everything had to be expressed poetically or musically. i did not realize that there was a place and a reason for ugly things. for me the worst was vulgarity. but vulgarity can be honest, even pleasing, as i discovered. we do not need to raise everything to the level of the stars. everything has its foundation of clay. even helen of troy. no one, not even the most beautiful of women should hide behind her own beauty."

AND

"it there is anything which deserves to be called miraculous, is it not love? what other power, what other mysterious force is there which can invest life with such undeniable splendor?
the bible is full of miracles, and they have been accepted by thinking and unthinking individuals alike. but the miracle which everyone is permitted to experience sometime in his life, the miracle which demands no intervention, no intercessor, no supreme exertion of will, the miracle which is open to the fool and the coward as well as the hero and the saint, is love. born of an instant, it lives eternally. if energy is imperishable, how much more so is love! like energy, which is still a complete enigma, love is always there, always on tap. man has never created an ounce of energy, nor did he create love. love and energy have always been, will always be. perhaps in essence they are one in the same. why not? perhaps this mysterious energy which is identified with the life of the universe, which is god in action, as someone has said, perhaps this secret, all-invasive force is but the manifestation of love. what is even more awesome to consider is that, if there be nothing in our universe which is not informed with this unseizable force, then what of love? what happens when love (seemingly) disappears? for the one is no more indestructible than the other. we know that even the deadest particle of matter is capable of yielding explosive energy. and if a corpse has life, as we know it does, so has the spirit which once made it animate. if lazarus was raised from the dead, if jesus rose from his tomb, then whole universes which now cease to exist may be revived, and doubtless will be revived, when the time is ripe. when love, in other words, conquers over wisdom."

i love...

the MJCC. a lot. and i'm trying REALLY HARD to justify the $62/mo it is for me to go there when it's only $34/mo at the 24 hour fitness for all clubs. besides having a big, clean, happy pool with an early morning master swim that i can drop in on anytime, they have:

- hair dryers in the locker room
- towel service
- toiletries that you may have forgotten are provided
- a suit spinner
- saunas, steam rooms and spas IN EACH LOCKER ROOM
- a separate 'warm water' pool for aqua aerobics (so you don't have people walking up and down your lane when you're trying to swim). oh, and they have WATER YOGA?? i have to try that one.
- drop-in martial arts classes
- BATTING CAGES: what?!?! oh yes, batting cages.

everyone there is super duper nice and it's not a meat market (well, it's a kosher meat market *grin*) with girls with the fake boobalas wearing a thick patina of makeup to work out (i never understood that) and it's just a really chill environment.

i'm pretty sure that the batting cages are going to be what tips the scales in the MJCC's favor.

things i miss

bed. you know, a mattress with boxsprings.
down comforters
more than one l pillow
bath tub
private toilet
gas money
comfy couches
stove
hot meals
refrigerator
face scrub
"real" face moisturizer
books
cds
my ipod
multiple pairs of pants
variety in clothing and shoes
netflix
TCM

there's more, i'm sure, but i can't think of them right now. and please note: people aren't things. *grin*

realization

i know what it is about josh ritter's new album that i'm lukewarm about: josh ritter made a paul simon record. it's cool yo, nothing wrong with a little paul simon, i like him as much as the next guy. but josh ritter is better than making someone else's album. that's all i'm saying.

dear josh ritter:

i'm listening to your new album. i'm not sure how to feel about it. it's pretty mellow compared to the last one and i'm curious to see how you bring the upbeaty-ness to a live show.

while i INSTANTLY fell in love with the historical conquests... - i don't think i can adequately stress how instantly i fell for this album - this one is going to take some time i think. it's ok though, the animal years took a few listens at the right time to really grow on me and now i LOVE it.

maybe it's that the only other music i've listened to in the past 3 weeks is one ep - 8 songs - of pure rock pop awesomeness (here's my shout out to wirepony's right hook of love) and was looking forward to something more rhythm section driven and obvious like historical conquests.... this is sounding really... swirly and perhaps a touch over-produced? i don't know - something about it just isn't hitting me the right way. i think i wanted something i could jump up and bounce around to - a song or two at minimum - but i haven't found that yet upon my initial two listens. i WANT to love this instantly, i really really do. i'm so excited about it. but it's not there yet. i guess i'm lukewarm.

oregonian shameful pleasure

here it is:



the QFC. hello throwback from the seattle days!

you might say to yourself, "gee shannon, it's just a grocery store, why is it so shameful that you shop there?" my answer to that is as follows: "i don't know, maybe you can ask all these portlanders are all up on sustainability and healthy eating and healthy living but they ALL smoke. i bet they'll have an awesome answer for you!"
i'm not sure if it's hipster angst or snobbery or the beards or what, but it is totally uncool to shop at the QFC. this is evidenced by the fact that there is NEVER anyone in that store when i go in, and i've been in every hour of the day. and when QFC is mentioned, i feel like there is someone who overheard it 14 feet away that spit at the mention of the name of that store.

why do i love the QFC?
1. coconut water for ONE DOLLAR. WHAT?!
being a hot yoga-ing fool, i like the coconut water because it gets me through the class at the new torture chamber that has RADIANT HEATING IN THE FLOORS. it's not enough that it vacillates between 105 and 109 degrees in the room throughout the class, but they had to go and put heating in the floor, my one salvation. A-HOLES. the coconut water keeps me hydrated in electrolytes enough to make it through the class. anyhoo, coconut water anywhere else is $2 for the smaller portions, up to $2.39 for the "normal" sizes and to $8 for the humongo ones. $1 is a deal that i don't think i'll ever be able to beat.
2. rice dream horchata for $1.99
yes, they have my rice dream horchata - aka: liquid crack - here. everywhere else it ranges from $3.29 to $4 for the box. here, my addiction is fueled for a mere $1.99.
3. i got a weeks worth of food including said coconut water, horchata, tons of yogurt, 3 packages of healthy-ish english muffins, peanut butter and more for $23. that's right bitches. TWENTY-THREE DOLLARS.
4. it's never crowded - see reasons mentioned above.
5. it's open 24 hours.

while QFC will not be my main store of choice once i plant baby roots here and start getting around to the trader joes and the new seasons and the fred meyer (even though the fred meyer is just one step away from being the dreaded QFC - they ARE owned by the same company) and all the different co-ops here and the farmers' markets, i will always have a special place in my heart for it and the secretly corporately low prices they give me on my otherwise, admittedly, over-priced purchases.

i love you QFC. i do.

safari II

observation log 10.04.14:

0710am: dmbc and i observed specimen from 10.04.05 again today after nine days of speculation. it came up behind us this morning and we were able to get a better and closer look at his conformation. contrary to previous estimates, subject seems to be merely 17 hands high rather than 18. subject in action is lithe, calm and self-assured.

unfortunately, subject drives a minivan. EPIC FAIL!

observation

two people are sitting at the coffee shop having a very civilized and almost dignified sounding conversation. one party asks why the cupcakes here are better than what they can make at home. the other party says something about consistency and texture.

now, when I answer that same question in my head, i have a completely dead-pan face and say, "drugs."

herein lies the reason i don't talk to a lot of new people.

safari

observation log 10.04.05

0645: dmbc and i gathered at the swimming hole where we beheld a rare and mysterious creature. a creature of a species that i have not lain eyes on in the more than 30 days i've been in this environment.
the subject was male. it's conformation was stunning - measuring an estimated 18 hands high, healthy muscle tone, average to generous and unaltered hair growth patterns on both the head and body, strikingly angular facial features and piercing eyes. the subject's paler complexion denotes non-nativeness to this area.
what makes this subject particularly rare is its age – over the age of a university student and under the age of the typical retired person – and its seeming lack of attachment to a mate. admittedly, the second observation is a grand assumption on the observer's part, to be confirmed upon verbal verification, due to the lack of a ring on the appointed finger. observer has learned its lesson in relying on this as a sign of bond – this has tricked me before.
the subject seemed aware of the scarcity of its kind, and seemed to revel in it slightly, trading brief glances with the observer.
will update log with further sightings and/or results of verbal communication.

seriously, this is the first (seemingly) single male i've seen in my “age range” in more than 40 days. where i'm at, the majority of the populous is retirees, couples and families mixed in with the occasional university student. it truly was a shock and surprise to see something like that. especially because he was pretty effin' hot.
the cherry on top? Not a speedo wearer. sweet.

be warned - the following is a long, steaming, heaping pile of...

awesome.

please note: this isn't my ideal means of reconnection or communication of this topic, but geography and money and all those general life circumstances keep me from having the face-to-face conversations on an individual basis that i would prefer to have regarding this situation. unfortunately, this is the most convenient means of communicating what i want and need to get out here.

here's the short version of what's been going down for those of you with tiny attention spans: the last 4 months of 2009 were – well - to be honest, using the phrase “absolute shit” to describe them would be a delightfully buoyant understatement. to be wholly truthful, the last half of 2008 through to the end of 2009 was pretty lame and stupid, but it had it's bright spots. But those last few months of '09 definitely sucked dirty monkey balls. it all got to a point where i just didn't want to deal with any of it anymore, and since i'm too lazy and curious about outcomes to concoct some lame and useless attempt on my life, i decided to do what i do best and run away from it all. i sold literally everything i own bar the few items that would fit into a backpack the size of a carry-on bag and bought a one-way ticket to europe. i wandered around northern europe for a few months during the coldest winter in the past decade – smart, i know - until my money got dangerously low; low enough for only a plane ticket back to the states where i knew i could get a job and earn money. So i came back and realized how crazy i really went (completely and totally batshit crazy to be exact) and now i'm in crazy rehab. details for the stout of span below.

let's start at the beginning, shall we? end of 2009 sucked. super duper bad. we don't need to go into those details. we're just going to leave it at “it sucked and then i cried” (hello dooce reference) and go into the things that i did at that time in the midst of the crazy i was in that i didn't know i was in. it has been established that i ran away from it all, but it was much more than that. in order to run away this time, i tried to completely erase all parts of my “former” self and start a new self to see what would happen. i changed my name. legally. i have whole new identification and passports and addresses and everything. i got rid of my phone and phone number. i no longer answer email at the address that everyone had for me. i sent 2 letters out at this time - one to my parents telling them that they sucked, why they sucked and that they should fuck off because i'm removing myself from their lives (admittedly, the sole smart thing I did throughout this whole process) and the other to someone who didn't deserve to bear the weight of what i sent to her and who had so many other, more important things going on in her life, essentially telling her and anyone that she or i knew, that i'm removing myself from her life, from everyone's lives because mine sucks. that one i'm truly and deeply sorry and regretful for. i SERIOUSLY lost my grip on reality, but it all seemed so sane at the time - i didn't want to know anyone because i didn't want anyone to know me and how much of a fuck up I felt like at the time. while i was in europe, i realized and – finally – truly understood what troy told me all those years ago as we were driving back from a hotel cafe show and what they tell you all the time in AA – wherever you go, there you are. and when i realized that, i said, “DAMMIT” in that whiny, “oh, crap” kind of way. so, say it while you can troy lee wells, you certainly did tell me so.

before we delve further into the crazy, I am going to take this moment to reflect on europe/travels:

ireland:
- the dudes there are everything that everyone says they are. AWESOME and the epitome of dudeness and they fully embrace and appreciate it and could give a fuck less about what anyone else thinks of it
- the food there sucks. totally sucks. it's no wonder they all drink so much
- bulmers is far too delicious and lovely to not be in the states
- i saw a little green and a little rolling under all the white snow and it was very pretty
- you have magical animals that i've not seen anywhere else
- cork is my favorite city of yours. galway might have been if it weren't so cold that it bit my face off
- i met more french people in ireland than i did in france. discuss

france:
- paris, -i liked you a whole hell of a lot more than i thought i would. A LOT
- parisians, you are not as asshole-y as the rest of the world makes you out to be. you just like things the way that they are and aren't too into change - there's nothing wrong with that
- shakespeare's: it took you to show me that i really am a romantic. maybe not in the traditional sense of romanticism, but i'll take any sense i can get
- the food here is perfection. the air smells like fresh baked bread and i wanted to take large gulping bites of it
- you had a lot more green than ireland did
- you like lady gaga. a lot. somehow, this doesn't surprise me. i managed to last the year and a half or so of her american blitz on media and radio without setting eye or ear on her, but i just couldn't avoid her there
- thank you for being the only country i went to where it didn't snow continuously

belguim:
- you're weirdly funny and sterile all at the same time. i'm not sure what to make of you
- when i was in brussels and ordered sprouts (only), brussels sprouts are the ones that came out
- please make a decision on what language you speak. do you speak french, dutch or flemish? it is very confusing for me
- your waffles aren't any better than the ones i've had elsewhere. and, contrary to popular demand, neither are your fries. Sorry

netherlands:
- you have very tall people. i finally found a place where i can wear heels and not feel like i'm towering over everyone
- your pot is STRONG and delicious
- most of your “bars” only have one or 2 types of beer and it's usually light. what's up with that??
- your people are VERY logical, almost robotic-ly so. it makes their art and their view on art kinda funny
- maastricht's carnival is awesome. maastricht's dialect is not so awesome because I don't speak it
- the girls i met there were very nice and i totally wore out my welcome
- you are the only country i went into a mcdonalds in. and it was only for the stropewaffel mcflurry – totally worth it
- one of your jealous girlfriends left me with a scar
- when an american sees jon dee graham in your country, he will make that american homesick. really really homesick

ireland (again):
- man, your dudes really are awesome. you should bottle whatever it is they have and sell it (i know now it's NOT jameson)

mexico:
- you have obscenely beautiful sunsets in juarez
- thank you for finally not making me feel like i'm prey whenever i walk into your country
- your food is AMAZINGLY DELICIOUS. i'm seriously wondering what the taco bell people were eating, or what crack they were on, when they got the idea for marketing gorditas because they are NOTHING like real gorditas
- i like your colorfulness
- i like your nonplussed-ness about the cops in riot gear in every corner
- you think i'm a funny gringa for not being scared about being there and not speaking a lick of spanish. ha!
- your coca-cola is significantly yummier than the stuff in the states. i won't ever have american coke again

back from europe and to the crazy:
i got back onto american soil and i thought i had a plan laid out. i was going to go to this town and start my life there and this is how my life was going to be, etc. etc. etc. and it most definitely did not work out that way. i ended up getting even further into the depression that i was already in and nothing seemed right or clear. at that time, i was offered a chance to go to crazy rehab, so i jumped on it.
the first thing i did when i got to crazy rehab was realize that when i went crazy (some people would soften it by calling it a "mid-life crisis" but i like to call a spade a spade), i did some things that were stupid and silly and drastic, but i don't and won't regret (all but one of) the things i did, because they were all the things i needed to do to get to crazy rehab, which is a pretty good place for me right now. and it is most definitely not the place i thought i would end up at this point.

in crazy rehab, i found that it's a rather evident pattern in my life for me to "go 'round my fist to get to my thumb" to use a cute, often under-appreciated southern expression. it means that i take the scenic route to the places in my life that i need to be - places that are usually right there in front of me. i kind of like that about me.
in crazy rehab, i have chores so i can develop self-discipline (of which I have none, but you all knew that): i go to yoga in the morning, i sweep the entire house everyday, i do the dishes after every meal and i read.
i'm VERY surprised about how quickly the days pass with the seemingly little i have to do. i'm also surprised that i haven't gotten bored yet. a few days after i got here, we discussed a 21-day plan to exorcise the crazy or at least get me to learn to live with and accept it and how to work with it in my everyday life. thus far, it's very interesting to see the progress - some days are wonderful and the crazy is controlled or satiated. some days, the crazy is back in full force. that's when i start to hyperventilate. those latter days are coming less and less, which is how i'm tracking my progress.
in crazy rehab, i've found that being crazy is similar to being an alcoholic – in AA they tell you that you're never “cured” of alcoholism, you'll always be an alcoholic learning to live each day without a drink because every day is different and will present you with different challenges. crazy is the same way. there is no cure for crazy, and i've learned that i will always be crazy, but here i'm getting the tools i need to embrace and appreciate and accept the crazy so that i can learn to live with it in my everyday life in a more constructive way than i have in the past. that's kind of comforting to tell you the truth - it's one less thing i have to worry about changing of fixing.

in crazy rehab, i realized the extent to which i went crazy and i also realized that i can, and need to, undo some of the things that i did, if possible. i'm changing my name back – it was weird for me to answer to that other name anyway. i need to do that to show that i'm willing to accept and love the crazy that i've had my whole life.
i'm not going back to austin right now. i knew in april of last year that my time in austin was coming to a close for now. i'm not saying i won't ever go back because i LOVE that place so freaking much, but it's not the place for me right now.
i want to bring the people back into my life that i left, if they'll have me. i know that i was an asshole for doing the things that i did and in the way that i did them and that i'll never know what that did to some people and i'm ready to accept if they aren't ready to let me back into their lives - those are the consequences to be paid. but i would be forever humbled and grateful for the forgiveness and understanding of those who would invite me back into their lives.

today, i turn 30. today, i've been at crazy rehab for 30 days (yeah... the crazy was re-evaluated and we realized that 21 days wasn't enough). on days like this - with this pattern - i would usually find a 30 oz. hamburger with 30 sauteed mushrooms and 30 squirts/dots of mustard and a bun with 30 sesame seeds on it and eat it with gusto and vomit most of it up 30 minutes later. but, of course, today is good friday and, being the intermittent and mediocre former catholic that i am, i don't eat meat today (thanks jesus), so i will instead have 30 nonpariels that have only 30 sprinkles on them and eat them all within 30 seconds so that i'm sick to my stomach for at least the following 30 minutes. or maybe i'll have 30 cupcakes. or 30 lattes. or 30 hot do... dangit jesus! definitely something with food and 30.

so, to sum up: i had a shit year and a half (it was in the coming, really), i ran away and went crazy crazy (and i have a scar on my face to prove it!), i am at crazy rehab and getting prepared to undo some of the weird things i did to prepare for my going crazy.

i feel like i should provide a coupon for a cupcake or an ice cream as a reward for making it to the end of this... whatever it is. instead i give you this laurel and hearty handshake.

questions? comments? concerns?

"actors/acting"

i know that i bash on the actors and actresses that i don't like mainly becuase they play the same person in every movie and that person is usually themselves. tom cruise is my favorite example. that dude plays an asshole in every movie he's in and something tells me he's probably an asshole in real life.

tonight, i saw "up in the air" with george clooney. george clooney is another one of those actors that plays the same guy in every movie - this film is no exception - so i was compelled to think of why it is that george has not incurred my actor wrath. i don't feel one way or another about him, i've seen some of his films, i still remember him fondly from "facts of life" and what not, but i don't have a strong yen for him in a positive or negative way.
in my comtemplation, i realized that i'm ok with george clooney playing the same dude in every movie - playing himself in every movie - because he's NOT an asshole. he's totally honest about who he is as a person and as an actor and in how he lives his life and he doesn't try to be anything else (seemingly). and something tells me that he's probably a pretty rad fella in real life. thus, he's ok in my book with playing the same role in every film he's in.

"up in the air" - very good movie. it just reiterates what we all already know anyway, but against an applicable to today's issues backdrop and in a nice way.

that's all i wanted to say about that.

ps - the shepherds pie at the alamo is GOOD. and they give you a lot of it.

seriously??

of all the assholes i work for, one of them, for christmas, brings me a gift that truly shows me that she don't know me at all:

a white leopard-print scarf

what? should i say that again to make sure you caught that?

a

WHITE

LEOPARD-PRINT

SCARF.

i don't think i need to expound any further on this.

finding the hilarity at work

because there's really nothing fun or funny about what i do.

so, i had to verify employment for a borrower who works for the texas beef council (because texas NEEDS a beef council) and their hold music is their radio commercials. as i'm waiting for someone to answer my call, i hear willie nelson pushing beef. or i hear kris kristofferson pushing beef. or, the funniest one of all, hearing george w. pushing beef, like it was your patriotic duty to eat beef.

ah, meat. it's what's for dinner.

question

should i be surprised that i made more cash selling my books and cds than i did selling every other saleable thing i own (bar my car)?

dear tall 'n' cute newish checker at the hipster mart:

i see you totally light up when i walk in for my nightly pomegranate sweet leaf green tea. you are REALLY good at flirting with me and have pretty twinkly blue eyes. i see you hastily ring through the 3 people in front of me in the checkout line so you can flirt with me some more and then continue to talk to me as i walk through the door to leave. it's all very sweet.

i wonder if your extreme height - seriously, how tall ARE you?? - makes you less... nonchalant? blase? dispassionate?... than the other hipsters at the hipster mart.

too bad you didn't start flirting with me before. we should make-out sometime.

sweet leaf and jose ole!

pixy

thinking

i don't think anyone will ever be able to give me an acceptable and satisfactory explanation as to why jon dee graham isn't one of the biggest things out there. that dude is SO FUCKING amazing at what he does.

people are idiots.

i found another "poop" product!!

chicken poop!!

i want to buy it all! AWESOME.

list musings

item completed: barbecue in lockhart, tx.
dealer of choice: black's barbecue

black's was a recommendation from a native born texan who got all kinds of excited that i wanted to go have barbecue in lockhart, the capital of barbecue in the state of barbecue - texas. and, let me just say, THEY WERE RIGHT.

lockhart is about 35 miles south and a teensy bit west of austin on state highways. lots of nothing exists between austin and lockhart. except billboards. about barbecue. just before you hit the lockhart "city" limit, there are about 14 billboards for black's barbecue ALONE which indicated to me that this is probably going to be some huge hall o' barbecue. i got into town, turned right at the yellow arrow and turned right again at the THREE other yellow arrows and on the corner stood this little storefront on the end of a row of town buildings.
you enter and walk inside a narrow corridor to another door which leads you to the food. before you walk in the 2nd door, there's a hand-written poster explaining how things work here at black's. because barbecue needs explaining. as you enter an even narrower aisle, you become surrounded by food. sides of green beans, potatoes 3 ways, macaroni salad, beans 2 ways, mac and cheese, rolls - you name the side, they've got it. you help yourself and then you're eventually pushed along to the meat. the delicious, loverly meat. you can get a meat sammich. you can get ribs, turkey, chicken, brisket... or brisket... or, how about some BRISKET? because what else do you go to barbecue for in texas? my mouth is watering as the super friendly meat cutter asks me what i've got a hankerin' for and i say "surprise me, but cut some of the fat off that brisket first." and they do. without giving the newbie a mean face. i pay, i get a drink and i sit down at the 1 long row of tables in the middle of the very small room. it's MAYBE 1000 sq. ft. total, including where you get in line with your food. i grab some sauce and i go to town.
this meat is the most tender, juicy, delicious meat i've ever put in my mouth. you read that right jim's cheesesteak! and that one kaw... uhm... yeah, better than all of you! and the sauce... the sauce is PERFECT. too many barbecue places make their sauces spicy for "kick" but i've only found that to be a deterrent from the taste of the whole meal. the spice overwhelms and you can't taste anything else - what's the point? not this sauce. this sauce is smoky with a hint of sweet. so. much. smoke. i want to eat that sauce on everything - meat, waffles, cereal, pickles, ANYTHING. and it compliments the meat so well. i can't even talk about it anymore.

so, to sum up: black's is the barbecue place to go in lockhart. small, extremely friendly staff, rad atmosphere and incredible barbecue. i smelled like smoky delicious barbecue for hours afterward. i wanted to eat me.

delicious and nutritious.

why?

on tuesday night, i didn't feel like cooking and had a hankering for cookies and hummus - not together. i went to the hipster mart, picked up some cookie dough and wheat thins and hummus and gorged myself.
man, did i feel like SHIT after that!
i went to sleep and woke up still feeling like crap and and the opposite of hungry. as a matter of fact, i would have been ok if i'd never eaten again... for that day at least. so,i decided to do a water-only fast. i did a SHIT TON of research on it yesterday and, apparently, gorging oneself on cookies and wheat thins and hummus and peanut m&ms and chai lattes the day before said fast is NOT the way to prepare for a water only fast. YOU COULD HAVE FOOLED ME.
i was fine with this venture - even thinking of doing it for an extended period of time - there are people out there who do 40 day water fasts! WHAT?! i tossed out all the rest of the cookies, the hummus, the remaining few wheat thins and anything in my fridge that could go bad. i was inspired and energized by this new challange. that was... until about 6pm. then my gums and teeth started aching like no body's business and that make my head want to explode. so, i watched "cabaret". because what else do you do when you want nothing more than to chop your own head off and throw it in the lake? at the end of "cabaret" my head and teeth did not feel any better. so i read for about 90 minutes and then went to sleep.
i woke up feeling EVEN SHITTIER (nausea - yick) but not hungry (surprisingly) so i had some water and went to the HEB to get some superfoods juice and food since i tossed out all my food the day before. it took all i had not to throw up in that grocery store. i got home, drank some of the juicy juice, threw up a little and still felt like crap. then i went and did what made me feel better, but no one likes to hear about, so i'll just let your imagination take you where you'd like with that one. but now i feel AWESOME!
my water-only fast lasted only 1 day. but i realized a few things along the way. 1: i've gotten lazy with my eating and food preparation. 2: i'm going to do a 1 day fast per week - i think it's going to motivate me to eat better during the week so i don't feel so shitty on that day that i do fast. 3: i will eventually do a 30 or 40 day water only fast, just to see what's up, you know?
so, i went without food for 36 hours and that's that.

why did i do it? because i felt like shit one day because of eating and i didn't want to feel like shit anymore. it'll stay in my mind as something to try just so i know that i'm able to do it. :)